“women have a right to understand their needs and gain pleasure."
Conversations around sex for unmarried Desi women from Pakistani, Indian and Bengali backgrounds can be highly taboo.
A part of this taboo stems from the traditional idea of women having sex only after marriage.
Thus, the assumption can be that unmarried Desi women are chaste, and sex is a topic of no concern to them.
There is still a potent degree of sociocultural stigma attached to women’s bodies and sexuality.
Such stigma comes in part from the positioning of Desi women’s bodies as other, exotic, problematic, and to be policed during colonialism.
Such positioning left an indelible mark on how women’s bodies and sexuality are viewed today.
Moral and respectable women are desexualised in stark contrast to Desi men. Respectable unmarried Desi women are meant to be sexually innocent and naïve.
Moreover, in everyday life, there can be a denial of unmarried Desi women’s sexual desires, curiosity and questions. Iram*, a 25-year-old unmarried Canadian Pakistani, stated:
“How it’s talked about makes it feel like sex is dirty, made me uncomfortable to ask anything even when people said ask.
“Women aren’t meant to have needs, especially if you’re not hitched like me. You shove it down.”
Yet sex and sexuality are natural parts of human life; as people grow, see and hear things, questions manifest.
We look at who unmarried women can talk to about sex and for sexual advice and why these conversations matter.
Conversations on Sex Lacking for Unmarried Desi Women?
Prevailingly, South Asian women are either overly sexualised or expected to be asexual until marriage. This misrepresentation of women’s bodies and sexuality often means that they are discouraged from exploring their sexuality and sexual health.
This cultural norm is not just limited to South Asia. Unmarried South Asian women living in the West also face similar challenges.
Malikha*, a British Bengali who did not have sex until she married at the age of 34, told DESIblitz:
“When I was single, there was no one I could talk to about sex education, sex, which is what screws us Asian women over so badly.
“In some societies, cultures like in the African subcontinent, it’s different. The mother, the aunties, the people in the community support the young girl to understand her body and sex education.
“They ensure sex education is something the young girls and boys are taught in a way that isn’t vulgar and disgusting. They don’t do it too young.
“It’s about her pleasure as well, not just pleasing the guy. And they teach them moves that would stimulate them and stimulate the guy.
“That kind of education is very important: knowing your body, your partner’s body, and how it all works.”
“We are taught a lot about shame and guilt from a very young age, and as a consequence, we become alienated from our bodies. That became clear to me on my wedding night; that night was awkward, and the nights after, I struggled.
“One of the things we’re not taught to ask when we’re considering each other for marriage is what each of us is expecting from our sex life.
“That’s something we don’t cover at all. It’s taboo but crucial to discuss, so you know whether you’re compatible on that level.”
For Malikha, open conversations facilitating body confidence rather than shame and discomfort are vital.
Understanding Personal Desires and Needs
Desi women have sexual needs and desires, but understanding these in an environment that silences women’s needs can be challenging.
Due to their own experiences, some Desi women are determined to facilitate open conversations.
They want to change the tide and create a space where Desi girls and women can learn to understand their needs and desires.
Sonia*, a 44-year-old British Pakistani, revealed:
“Growing up and before marriage, sex did not exist for me in the eyes of my family and community.
“It’s absolute crap; I isolated myself from my body and what to expect from sex. I was told, ‘Just do what your husband says.’
“Having sex isn’t just for men; women have a right to understand their needs and gain pleasure.
“It made me determined that matters would be different for my daughter. I’ve spoken to her in age-appropriate conversations as she’s grown, so she doesn’t think sex and needs for women are nasty.
“It’s up to her if she has sex before marriage or not, but I’ve told her I think it’s important to know what you want and to explore sexual needs.
“Told her when she was 17 that if she needs to get a vibrator, get one; packaging is discreet. No one will know.”
“She started asking questions about orgasms and if women are allowed to masturbate. I’ve had similar talks with my nieces since they can’t go to their mums.”
Family, especially women, can be important in transforming conversations and creating safe spaces for unmarried Desi women to talk and ask questions.
Paromita Vohra, the founder of Agents of Ishq, a digital project focused on giving sex “a good name”, looking at South Asia, emphasised:
“It’s a reality here that people are highly dependent on family and cannot cut those deep emotional ties, and we cannot stigmatise them.
“We need to develop ways of care rooted in our context.”
Vohra’s words can also be applied to the South Asian diaspora and what needs to be done.
Conversations to Facilitate Good Sexual Health
Discussing sexual needs and desires can foster intimacy and trust, which are key components of a healthy relationship.
Without these conversations, women might rely on inaccurate sources or remain silent about their concerns, leading to potential health risks.
Sameera Qureshi, an occupational therapist, sexual health educator and founder of Sexual Health For Muslims, stated:
“With the media and South Asian women, there’s a lot of misrepresentation of women’s bodies and self-worth.
“Women are either overly sexualised or seen as being asexual and not having sexual health and sexuality.”
For Qureshi, cultural and religious spaces use these ideals and norms as barriers to limit understanding of women’s sexuality to marriage. Yet she stresses sexual health is something that is an intrinsic part of women.
She also asserted: “A single South Asian woman seeing a healthcare professional will be questioned because gynaecologist visits are limited to married women.”
Qureshi also highlighted that healthcare professionals in South Asia “often come with their own biases.” This is also something that needs to be considered within the diaspora.
For example, British Kashmiri Anisa* revealed:
“I’m 32 now, so the letters for a smear test come regularly.
“I haven’t had sex as unmarried, and it’s against my faith, and when I asked an Asian female doctor if I should. She ‘unofficially’ said I didn’t need to due to lack of sex.
“It’s something I need to look into, but it’s so awkward to ask. As far as the friend I asked and my mum know, it’s what you do only when you’re active.
“But my auntie, who had a scare a few years ago after her test, said I should.
“I don’t know. What do I do if I get the smear test and if I get married and they think I did something? But all I did was have the test.”
Sociocultural mores have created an atmosphere of discomfort for some Desi women that can prevent them from seeking advice on sexual and bodily health.
Nevertheless, this is not the case for everyone. Alina*, a 28-year-old British Indian, stated:
“My mum knew I dated from 16, and although she hoped I would wait until marriage, she knew sex before was possible.
“And I have had sex, still not married, but I wanted to explore, and I don’t see anything wrong with it.
“Despite how uncomfortable she must have been, Mum made sure I knew about safe sex and that it wasn’t just left up to school.
“She encouraged me to ask questions and speak to my doctor. I told Mum things she never knew about sex and health.”
Seeking Safe Spaces to Ask Questions and Discuss
Some unmarried Desi women like Maya*, a 25-year-old British Indian, turn to online spaces for information and to ask questions:
“No one in my family hides that we date, but no one talks about sex, safe sex and health outside saying ‘make sure you’re safe.’
“School and then later going online when I was 16 gave me the information I needed. I didn’t feel comfortable asking in school, ‘How do I make myself orgasm?’ and other questions.
“Online articles and forums helped me massively. I’m not stupid. I checked stuff with my doctor when it came to health issues and questions.
“But no way could I have asked family or friends; I didn’t want them thinking I was a slut or desperate.”
“It doesn’t make sense, but it’s different for Asian girls and guys. Guys can be more open and easily explore sex and needs.”
Unmarried Desi women can find solace in online communities, where they can anonymously discuss issues around sex and sexual health.
These platforms can offer valuable information and a sense of community.
Nevertheless, the reliability of information should always be verified, and users should be cautious of misinformation.
Sexual health advocates like Sameera Qureshi are creating programs that cater to South Asian women. Offering culturally sensitive advice on sexual health.
Cultural expectations, religious beliefs, and family pressures often discourage open discussions about sex and sexuality.
The lack of dialogue leaves unmarried women without safe spaces to seek information about sexual health. This absence of conversations has serious implications for mental, emotional, and physical health.
Conversations are needed to facilitate understanding of sexual health, self-awareness, bodily confidence and a safe space to explore sexual identity.
Socio-cultural expectations frequently discourage open conversations about sex, leading to misinformation and feelings of isolation.
Sexphobia in conversations within South Asian communities, families and networks needs to be unravelled and removed.
Addressing the barriers and challenges single Desi women face is crucial. Open conversations about sex and sexual health can improve mental well-being, foster healthy relationships, and enhance personal sexual satisfaction.
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