"Stuff around sex is definitely seen as dirty and to be hushed up."
Sex education remains a sensitive topic in many South Asian homes across Asia and the diaspora.
Indeed, for those from Pakistani, Bengali, Indian and Sri Lankan backgrounds, conversations around sexual intimacy and sex overarchingly remain taboo.
There can especially be unease between generations, stifling open dialogue and knowledge sharing.
Moreover, ongoing ideas of purity and honour, especially for girls and women, can cultivate a cycle of intergenerational shame and discomfort around sex and sexuality.
This cultural taboo, unease and silence has significant repercussions and dangers.
DESIblitz explores the dangers of sex education remaining taboo within Desi homes.
Socio-Cultural Norms and Parental Unease
Sex education is recognised as an essential matter but continues to be met with contention within Desi communities.
Parents and children can find conversations around sex uncomfortable and awkward, as is the case across the globe and cultures.
Such awkwardness is further compounded within Desi homes and families by the fact that sex can be viewed as something to be left in the shadows.
The assumption of sex before marriage being taboo within some cultures and families adds to the silence and discomfort around sex education.
Sabrina*, a 25-year-old British Bangladeshi, told DESIblitz:
“We got to learn about periods young. Mum wanted periods to be expected, and that wouldn’t scare us. No one told her; she thought she was dying when hers came.
“Sex and health stuff related to it that’s kinda been a no-go. We’re not engaged or married; Mum doesn’t see the need.
“I can’t imagine the conversation; it would be so cringe.”
Nevertheless, this is not the case for everyone. Gulnar*, a 41-year-old Indian currently residing in Britain, revealed:
“My mum knew inevitably a relationship would occur, and at some point, sex would come into a relationship.
“For her, parents in denial about it all was and is dangerous.
“She didn’t want me to be lost like her, and for that reason, she made sure I knew about contraception, not being pressured, and it should be enjoyable for both.
“My dad spoke to my brother, and she to me. They have always tried to be honest and ensure we feel we can ask them questions.”
Parents play an important role in normalising sex and sexuality or situating both as something to be secretly whispered about.
Sex coach Pallavi Barnwal, speaking to the BBC, reflected on the role of parents and noted:
“Talking about sex and sexuality can safeguard your kids from a bunch of problems later in life.
“Low self-esteem, anxiety about body image, sexual abuse, unhealthy relationships and sex consumerism are just a handful of the long-term problems that many young adults face.”
Health & Safety Risks When Sex Education Remains Taboo
The lack of sex education in Desi homes can leave young people uninformed and vulnerable to misinformation.
Thus leaving them ill-prepared for safety and sexual and reproductive health.
Imran, a 25-year-old British Pakistani and Bangladeshi told DESIblitz:
“Dad said, ‘glove up; if you get anyone pregnant, you’re marrying her’. That was it.”
“School and my big brother gave actual information. Brother said, ‘The girl I’m with counts’. He’s the one who got me thinking it’s not just about me.
“When a mate got an STD, he and the others learnt lessons. The stuff they didn’t know… they didn’t have someone like my brother.
“He took forever to go to doctors because he was scared the family would find out. He told us because he panicked and needed advice.
“And he faked being sick for a bit, so his family thought that’s why he went. Doctor’s building was in his local area, down the road.”
Open conversations and the ability to ask questions are vital for fostering good sexual health awareness and knowledge.
In Desi homes, parents and others, like older siblings, can play important roles in sharing correct information.
Indeed, UNESCO has stated: “Parents and family members are a primary source of information, values formation, care and support for children.
“Sexuality education has the most impact when school-based programmes are complemented with the involvement of parents and teachers, training institutes and youth-friendly services.”
Discussing sexual health and taboos can also be an important and preventative tool for child sexual abuse.
Indeed, it can arm children with the knowledge and language to communicate and set boundaries.
Toxic Perceptions & Expectations Around Sex
A lack of sex education can lead to toxic perceptions and expectations around sex.
When individuals are not provided with accurate and comprehensive information, they often rely on unreliable sources.
These sources can include pornography, peers, the internet or social media, which can perpetuate harmful stereotypes and unrealistic expectations about sex.
For example, they may believe that aggressive or coercive behaviour is normal or acceptable in sexual relationships.
This belief can contribute to the development of toxic masculinity and unhealthy gender dynamics.
Imran highlighted that in their teens and early twenties, many of his friends went online to find information, and some looked at porn:
“For some mates, they looked online; information there can be messed up. And the things they assumed girls should do…nah.
“I know one guy, not a mate, who tried to pressure his girl into doing bondage and stuff. Fine if she was into it, I guess.
“But she wasn’t and he went to us and her that ‘it’s what she should do, it’s online’. He said some nasty stuff about her.”
“His girl dropped him fast but made me think about the girls who are pressured to do what they don’t want to. I never want to be that guy.”
Studies have shown that exposure to pornography without the context of education can shape skewed perceptions of sex and consent.
A literature review produced for the UK Government Equalities Office stressed there is an association between the use of pornography and harmful sexual attitudes and behaviours towards women.
In the absence of proper guidance, individuals may also develop unrealistic expectations about sexual performance and relationships.
A lack of sex education fosters toxic perceptions and expectations around sex, perpetuating harmful myths and increasing risks to sexual and mental health.
Psychological Impact of Sex Education Remaining Taboo
The taboo nature of conversations around sex, intimacy, and sexuality has a psychological impact.
Ruby*, a 35-year-old Indian Gujarati born in the USA, shared:
“Intimacy and sex, especially for women in our home and family, was positioned as dirty. That is, if it was mentioned in passing or something came on telly.
“When I married, it was so hard. I’d not been intimate with anyone.
“My husband was so patient. He helped me deal with the unrealised feelings of shame I had when it came to my body, needs and desires.
“He helped me see there was no shame.”
“Process was not easy. Initially, he had no idea what was going on; we hadn’t spoken about it before marrying.”
By being open and responsive to conversations around sex, bodies and sexuality, parents can help teach children about their bodies and consent.
Parents and others in Desi homes can also ensure that feelings about sex are not shrouded in fear and shame.
If sex education remains taboo in some Desi homes, it will continue to facilitate feelings of discomfort, fear and shame.
A lack of conversation on intimacy, sex and sexuality in Desi homes does not necessarily mean a lack of communication.
South Asian parents still make their viewpoints on sex abundantly clear without saying anything.
For example, some Desi parents may fast–forward through kissing or sex scenes in movies.
Hasina*, a 24-year-old British Pakistani, revealed to DESIblitz:
“Ammi still forwards through kissing scenes, and we’re all adults.
“If Aba is home, or my uncles, we can’t watch our dramas or new Bollywood if we know any kissing scenes are in there or likely.
“It’s not like it’s sex scenes; who wants to see that with parents in the room? But even the kissing and a couple being in bed, sofa making out, is a big deal for her.”
Fast-forwarding through such scenes can inadvertently mark intimacy, such as kissing and sexual acts, with stigma.
Ruby added: “Stuff around sex is definitely seen as dirty and to be hushed up. Not like that for all Asians, but lots, especially in the UK, at least I think.”
The Need for Open Conversations and Removing the Taboo
The home can be an invaluable, safe space. We need to extend such safety and comfort to include conversations about sex education in all Desi homes.
If the taboo nature of sex education in Desi homes remains, there is an ongoing danger of some holding misinformation.
There will also be risks to sexual health and the sustainment of feelings of shame and fear, which could impact relationships.
Ruby, reflecting on her experiences and those of friends, said:
“I know friends that have struggled because they feel uncomfortable with expressing their desires to their husbands.
“It’s led to undercurrents that aren’t good. No matter how uncomfortable, sex education matters. Parents and families not making sex and desire dirty, even unintentionally, matters.
“Knowledge is power, right? Helps mistakes not be made, that needs to be recognised here in this context.”
The discomfort that may come from conversations around sex education may never entirely vanish. Indeed, this is likely true of such conversations between parents and children.
Nevertheless, such conversations and a safe, open space where questions can be asked are vital.
It is also essential to recognise how actions, however unintentional, can also shape ideas and feelings around sex and intimacy.
Sex and sex education need to be removed from being a taboo.
If this does not occur, some will continue to have poor sexual health knowledge and suffer psychological harm due to feelings of, for example, shame.
In addition, there will be those who have distorted and ill-informed perceptions of sex and intimacy due to reliance on sources like the internet and porn.
Loading ...