Can Pakistani Women Talk to their Mothers about Sex & Sexuality?

In many Pakistani families, in Pakistan and the diaspora, conversations about sex and sexuality remain taboo, wrapped in conservative cultural and religious constraints.

For women, navigating questions about sex, sexual health, and sexual identity often means confronting socio-cultural norms and intergenerational silence.

There can be hesitation in undertaking such a conversation. Such hesitation stems from patriarchy and deep-rooted norms that frame sex and sexuality as a subject of shame and dishonour for women.

Some British Pakistani women, past and present, question the status quo and socio-cultural norms, thus challenging long-held norms and silences.

Nevertheless, cultural expectations around modesty, honour and religious interpretations can make open dialogue difficult.

Accordingly, DESIblitz looks at whether British Pakistani women can talk to their mothers about sex and sexuality and why this matters.

Socio-Cultural and Religious Factors Impact Conversations

In Pakistani families, both culture and religion play significant roles in shaping attitudes toward sex and sexuality.

The cultural value of honour (izzat) often creates a restrictive environment in which discussing sex and sexuality is viewed as taboo.

In Pakistani communities, as in other South Asian communities, women’s sexuality is often not openly acknowledged.

Codes of morality heavily police women’s bodies, behaviours, and conduct. Therefore, ‘good’ women, especially unmarried women, are positioned as not needing or wanting to know anything.

British Pakistani women may hence feel unable to approach their mothers about intimate topics due to fear of judgment or misunderstanding.

The dominant religion followed by British Pakistanis is Islam. Conservative socio-cultural interpretations of Islam often push sexuality and sex entirely to the shadows as topics of shame and sin.

Habiba, a 54-year-old woman whose parents immigrated to Britain from Mirpur, said:

“Sex was just put as dirty; good unmarried Pakistani Muslim girls didn’t need to know anything.”

“Ammi would say girls who did anything were ‘losing their culture and becoming too Gori [White]’ in nature.

“That was what my ammi learnt, and she taught me that. I went into marriage as naïve as a child. I made sure I did different with my girls.”

Socio-culturally, religion can be used as a tool to police women, silence questions, and prevent the acknowledgement of female sexual desire and needs.

Yet, some experts argue that Islamic teachings themselves do not prohibit sexual education but rather stress the importance of knowledge within marriage and health contexts.

Despite this, cultural norms, ideals and expectations reinforce silence and stigma.

British Pakistani Women Asking Questions

British Pakistani women are asking questions despite the status quo and how deeply embedded it is.

For some women, the ability to do so confidently comes from learning more about their religion.

Twenty-nine-year-old London-based Rahila* told DESIblitz:

“My research showed me that Islam welcomes questions and recognises female sexuality. Sex between a married couple is not a sin or disgusting.

“Our cultures and people twist things, and over time, culture and people have warped what people think our faith says.”

“When I first told my mum that Islamic teachings say a husband must make sure his wife reaches fulfilment in the marriage bed, no lies, her jaw dropped.

“My mum only had the basic conversations on periods, STDs and birth control with me. She thought it was important I wasn’t oblivious.

“She’d been oblivious due to her mum being silent on all of it; it just wasn’t talked about. But my mum didn’t know much; she’s smart but can’t read.

“Unmarried, I started exploring Islam more, which helped open up us speaking about women’s needs, rights and marital relations. It was strange, but we kept it abstract.

“I was blessed my mum saw it as an opportunity to learn and for her and me to speak. My auntie went on lockdown and told us not to mention anything to her daughters.”

Rahila concluded: “The sad fact is that the truth is hidden and replaced by distortions for many.

“The distortions are there to try and restrict our knowledge, freedom and power. We women privately have to speak and share.

“I have many friends who think like me and are doing the same.”

The intergenerational transmission of silence and lack of knowledge can hinder daughters from having meaningful conversations with their mothers.

Nevertheless, Rahila’s experiences and Habiba’s determination to do things differently demonstrate that change is possible and ongoing.

Generational Gaps and Miscommunication

A significant barrier to open conversations about sex and sexuality in British Pakistani families can be the generational divide.

Older generations of mothers who were raised with a limited understanding of sexuality and sexual health may lack the vocabulary or confidence to engage in discussions about it.

Moreover, mothers raised in conservative environments may hold traditional views while their daughters navigate a more liberal British Asian society.

For younger women, particularly those exposed to different ideas through education, the internet, or social media, there is often a desire to break these taboos.

However, when their mothers are reluctant to engage, these daughters may feel frustrated or ashamed.

Third-generation Brit-Asian Iqra revealed:

“Basically, anything to do with sex and sexuality is a no-go zone with my mum.”

“I asked her questions about contraceptives once at 16, and she thought dodgy stuff.

“It seriously stressed me out, and I felt I had done something wrong. She looked at me odd for ages, like I was going to do something to shame the family.

“After that, I decided never to ask again, answers from anywhere but her.”

In contrast, 30-year-old Saira asserted:

“Sexual health, my mum has always been upfront and willing to talk. Whenever I came back from school sex education, I’d discuss it with her.

“Sexuality and stuff freak her out; that’s where the Asian mentality kinda comes in, that stuff I wouldn’t discuss with her.

“It did mean I kinda struggled to look at my sexuality for a long time. Mums and what they say and don’t matter.”

The Toll of Silence and Lack of Conversations

The silence surrounding sex and sexuality has profound emotional and psychological consequences.

Silence and a lack of guidance from mothers can compound the sense that sex and sexuality are taboo. Consequently, British Pakistani women, like others, can feel isolated, confused, or ashamed about their bodies and sexuality.

This emotional isolation is not just about feelings of shame—it can also have an impact on women’s sexual health and intimate relationships.

Saira revealed: “My mum was the one who talked to me about consent, protection, and our right to say no.

“She’s the one who got me understanding contraception, the different types and side effects.

“I had friends who didn’t have those talks with their mum, and they had misinformation and gaps in what they knew.

“One even thought there was no such thing as saying no when married. Another thought the pill was her only option.

“I was giving them sex education before they married when all I had was knowledge and no practical experience.”

Moreover, Rahila stressed:

“The shame that shrouds Asian women’s bodies and issues of sex needs to go.”

“One step is us women speaking to each other. For me, that starts with mums and daughters.”

Women, such as mothers and daughters, can play an invaluable role in opening up meaningful conversations around sex and sexuality for British Pakistani women.

Engaging in these discussions can heighten awareness about sexual health and the concept of consent, as well as alleviate the discomfort associated with discussions on sex and sexuality.

British Pakistani women are often exposed to more liberal views on sexuality, making it easier for them to discuss these topics to a degree.

Despite this, the perception of sex and sexuality as taboo topics remains. This is evident in the emergence of tension and discomfort when women like Iqra attempt to discuss these matters with their mothers.

Dismantling taboos around sex and sexuality for British Pakistani women requires empathy, education, and open dialogue.

Generational gaps and cultural constraints create barriers, but voices like Rahila’s and Saira’s show that conversations and, thus, change are occurring.