Can Desi Women Embrace their Sexuality without Judgement?

The matter of whether South Asian women can embrace their sexuality is complex and multifaceted, influenced by cultural, social, and religious factors.

However, the fact remains that for women from Pakistani, Indian, Bengali and Sri Lankan backgrounds, their behaviours and bodies continue to be policed at different levels.

The tendency towards sexual conservatism across South Asian cultures is another factor that shapes the lived realities of Desi women.

Sexuality is an integral part of human development and includes sexual desire. Yet for Desi women and within South Asian communities, conversations and issues around sexuality can be pushed into the shadows.

Moreover, women face specific socio-cultural expectations and judgements regarding their conduct and what it symbolises.

Accordingly, DESIblitz delves into whether Desi women can embrace their sexuality without judgement.

The Colonial Legacy Matters

India, before British colonisation and imperialism, was not a sexually rigid space. While it was not a utopia of sexual expression and freedom, things were more fluid.

Female sexual expression and exploration were more liberated. However, this drastically changed under British rule, and the consequences of this are still felt today.

The British Empire powerfully curtailed Indian women’s rights, freedoms and access to power. The Empire also penalised and punished those who transgressed.

Indeed, one avenue through which this can be seen is the Empire’s engagement with issues around sex and sexuality within British India and how Indian women were policed.

For the purist Victorian mind, Indian society was a space of deep sexual vice and sin.

Indian women were especially positioned as a source of deep concern.

Not only did some unmarried women pursue professions that centred on their sexuality, but married women were not all strictly monogamous.

Accordingly, Indian women were overtly sexualised and exoticised, their bodies and conduct corrupting Puritan Victorians.

Moreover, some men dressed as women, some women dressed as men, and some didn’t fit into any normative Western boxes.

One of many laws introduced to restrict sexual relations in India was the 1860 Indian Penal Code. It banned homosexuality in India and demonised queer identities, and made heterosexuality the norm.

The Empire saw it as its moral duty to police Indian bodies and conduct, resulting in the restructuring of how sexuality was understood and thus enacted within India.

The colonial legacy remains entrenched, weaved through socio-cultural ideals, norms and expectations. How it manifests and is embodied may shift and slide, but it matters.

It matters both when looking at whether Desi women can embrace their sexuality and what barriers they face when it comes to sexual expression and exploration.

Cultural and Family Expectations

South Asian cultures often emphasise familial honour and reputation, with women’s behaviour and chastity seen as key markers of izzat (honour). Such a stance restricts women’s autonomy over their bodies and choices.

Traditionally, good girls and good women, especially outside marriage, are positioned as asexual, with no sexual identity or needs. Natural needs and questions that develop as they grow are suppressed.

Mariam*, a 27-year-old Indian in Canada, asserted:

“Women, especially unmarried, if you’re good, you keep your sexuality on lockdown; it’s not shown to the world.

“If you’re in a relationship, it can be expressed with your partner, but everyone else should be oblivious. But that’s if you come from a family where dating is allowed.

“Generally good girls are daughters, sisters, friends but not sexual beings.”

“For some, it’s worse; I have Asian female friends whose family would freak if they even said sex.”

Fifty-two-year-old British Pakistani Aliyah* stated:

“Mothers, daughters, and sisters shouldn’t have desires and needs. That’s how family and community see it. It’s why I’m only now exploring and asking questions.

“But it’s exploring that family and community cannot know about. Otherwise, the whispers and name-calling would hurt my family.

“There would be name calling and whispers, and my younger female relatives would be marked.”

Women are pressured to conform to traditional roles as daughters, wives, and mothers.

It can also lead to judgement and condemnation when women attempt to assert their sexual freedom and explore their sexuality.

Thus, the autonomy women have over what they do, how they embrace their sexuality and how this is expressed is restrained.

Different Expectations for Desi Men and Women

Patriarchal cultural patterns suppress female sexuality and sexual desire more so than for men. Such suppression restricts and limits how women can engage and express their sexuality.

There is an assumption that men are more sexual than women and consequently have more rights to sexual urges than women.

Thus, there is a sexual double standard, which allows men sexual exploration whilst confining women. Good women are positioned as engaging in sexual activities and exploring sexuality within the framework of a committed relationship.

For traditional Desi cultures and families, good women are positioned as asexual. Accordingly, anything to do with sexuality and sex manifests after marriage.

Moreover, Desi women’s sexual behaviour can be positioned as duty-based rather than desire-based, unlike men.

Consequently, for Desi women, there can be an acute feeling that they have to play by a different rule book than their male counterparts.

Mariam stated:

“Women are judged in a way men aren’t, and that’s why boys and men have more freedom to explore.”

“In some Asian communities and families, dating isn’t frowned on like it once was. So you have that space to explore and express yourself, but it’s behind closed doors.

“And it’s not the same way some of the men in my family explored; if I did what they’d done, I’d be called a slut.”

For some Desi women, exploration without judgement and women understanding their needs can occur when one is in a monogamous relationship.

Sumera, a 33-year-old British Pakistani, maintained:

“Like if you are with a boyfriend and marry him, chances are he already knows some, if not all, that makes you tick.

“I guess if it’s a boyfriend, I can definitely be more open in general.”

Going Outside the Heterosexual Norm

For Desi women who identify as LGBTQ+, navigating and embracing their sexuality becomes even more challenging.

Many South Asian LGBTQ+ individuals experience dual marginalisation. Facing cultural expectations, prejudice from within their communities, and broader societal discrimination.

Depending on where one is looking, things are changing, and families and communities are becoming more open. Yet Desi women can still struggle to embrace their sexuality and sexual identity.

Shaila*, a 34-year-old British Pakistani, revealed: “I was raised in the UK and family where being heterosexual is positioned as the norm.

“Even when my ammi said if one of her kids turned out gay or something, it wouldn’t be an issue. That she would accept, the norm is the norm.

“I knew even if my mum accepted, most of my family wouldn’t. I tried not to think about the fact I found women attractive, too.

“It wasn’t until I was 29 that I openly acknowledged to myself that I was bisexual.

“It took me forever to tell any trusted friends; they didn’t blink.

“Ammi didn’t process it when I first told her, then when I said it again for a bit, she stared at me blankly.

“She said it was fine, but if I ever fell in love with a woman and wanted to marry one, I don’t know if she’d be so zen.

“Ammi is awesome, but she also cares a bit about what people would say. She also worries about how I would be treated.

“And I get it because no one really knows I’m bi; I’ve heard things that show prejudice is still there in certain circles.

“My female friends who know and are Asian have been brilliant; they didn’t blink. But one place I worked at, yeah, I would never have told any of them.

“All of this has meant I’m a duck out of water; I don’t know how to explore this side of myself.”

A growing number of organisations are working to support South Asian individuals who identify as LGBTQ+. But for some, like Shaila, the wider socio-cultural judgement remains an issue.

Shaila said, “I personally don’t care; those who badmouth me aren’t worth my time.

“But I do care about how it would impact my ammi if people said things.

“It’s that that stops me from being open about who I am. It stops me from exploring and understanding that one component of my identity more.

“But there are spaces where I could explore; I just don’t feel comfortable doing that yet.”

It is clear that patriarchal and socio-cultural norms place different expectations on Desi women’s conduct when it comes to their sexuality compared to their male counterparts.

Creating safe spaces for South Asian women to discuss and explore their sexuality is vital.

Community organisations, support groups, and digital platforms can play a crucial role in providing these spaces.

Fostering dialogue and education within families and communities can also help dismantle harmful norms and support a more inclusive understanding of sexuality for women.