Sexuality & Ageing: The Experiences of Older Desi Women

DESIblitz looks at the experiences of older Desi women when it comes to issues around sexuality, which often remain in the shadows.


“With age, things change, but I am not dead."

There can be an acute lack of socio-cultural recognition of issues surrounding sexuality – desire, health and identity for older Desi women.

But as women become older, do they not have sexual desires, challenges and questions?

Research indicates that female sexual activity can decline significantly with age, but that does not mean issues around sexuality are non-existent. Or that it is the same for all women.

Ageing brings transitions that can reshape how older Desi women experience and feel about intimacy and connection.

For some, ageing presents an opportunity to redefine what sexuality means, while others may prioritise emotional closeness over physical intimacy.

Some may seek both; others may choose neither.

In South Asian cultures, female sexuality is still primarily framed in the shadows.

Traditionally, sex remains closely tied to procreation and children, and issues of sexuality are focused on within the framework of the young.

Indeed, this is the case traditionally across South Asian cultures, such as Pakistani, Indian, and Bangladeshi.

Thus, there can be a disregard in Desi and other cultures of how ageing can impact issues and experiences around sexuality.

DESIblitz gains insights into the experiences of older Desi women and why they cannot be forgotten.

Older Desi Women and Sexuality

Sexuality & Ageing The Experiences of Older Desi Women

Conversely, sexual intimacy is accepted and promoted among young heterosexual couples in most societies, including Desi communities. From a traditional perspective, this is often within the framework of marriage.

The opposite can be true when thinking about sexuality and issues encompassing it for older people, specifically those in their late 40s and onwards.

Over a decade ago, researchers Kalra, Subramanyam and Pinto (2011) asserted:

“Sexual function and activity in old age have been inadequately studied [the] world over.”

The lack of focus remains to varying degrees today, as societies at large disregard links between sexuality and older people.

Societal misconceptions often portray older adults as asexual, leading to stigma and silence. This can discourage open discussions about sexual needs and sexual health among, for example, older women.

Fifty-year-old British Bangladeshi Rizwana* revealed:

“After the children got older, my husband and I got closer. I today have more confidence in my body and what I want in the bedroom.

“People do not like to think about old people ‘getting it on’ as my daughter says.”

“When I was younger, it was all in the dark, and I was scared to ask things. It’s very strange to think about.

“With age, things change, but I am not dead. My husband is not dead. We enjoy the closeness we have now.

“Health and our bodies mean things are different, but that is all.”

A lack of research and open dialogue continues to marginalise the experiences of older women, reinforcing outdated stereotypes of ageing and sexuality.

Yet, as Rizwana’s experience highlights, intimacy and sexual confidence can deepen with age, offering newfound self-assurance and emotional closeness.

Challenging societal misconceptions requires acknowledging that sexual needs and well-being are not limited to youth but remain vital throughout life.

The Impact of the Menopause

Sexuality & Ageing The Experiences of Older Desi Women

Ageing brings physical changes that can affect a person’s body, sexual health and desires.

Men may experience, for example, erectile dysfunction, while women face menopause-related issues.

Menopause typically occurs between the ages of 45 to 55 but can happen earlier or later.

When the ovaries stop making oestrogen, the vaginal lining becomes thinner, there’s less vaginal elasticity, muscle tone, and lubrication, and arousal takes longer.

Consequently, some women may experience:

  • Decreased libido (a lack of interest in sex)
  • Vaginal dryness (difficulty with lubrication)
  • Pain during penetration
  • Difficulty or inability to climax

For older Desi women, there can be a need to recognise and change how things are done to ensure sexual pleasure.

Fifty-four-year-old British Pakistani Ray (nickname) had a very active sex life and found that entering perimenopause 10 years ago brought unexpected changes:

“From an individual who got married at 17, I had a very high sex drive. The ex was making up excuses like, ‘I got a headache, and I’m tired’.

“Since going through menopause, my sex drive has hit rock bottom, as in I don’t have that sexual desire any more.

“From experience and listening to others, the menopause doesn’t really kick in until you stop feeling the desire for sex.

“Which for me has been recently, maybe one month now. I don’t care if I find a halal company or not.

“The desire is gone. It’s liberation, liberating not to be controlled by your desires anymore.”

For Ray, menopause has given her liberation from her sexual desires. However, for others, it can cause issues just when they are gaining confidence in their bodies, sensuality and needs.

Indian Gujarati Mehreen*, who is 55, said:

“We had very busy lives raising a family and businesses. When all the children left home, that’s when my husband became my friend, and we became closer in all ways.

“But then perimenopause came; it has been over five years. I didn’t realise how much it changes life.

“My body was not the one I knew. Things I liked, I didn’t. It was difficult for me and my husband.”

For Mehreen, there is a need for structured health and informational support for women of South Asian origin:

“If my friend hadn’t told me a community organisation was running events on menopause, I would have been lost. My doctor was not the place to get much outside basic information.

“The women’s events were safe, and I could ask without feeling a fool.

“And that meant I didn’t lose physical closeness with my husband. We had to learn to change how we expressed ourselves and that my body had different needs and triggers.”

The experiences of Ray and Mehreen reveal the varied impact of ageing on sexual desire for Desi women and how women can feel about the changes.

It is important to note that menopause does not necessarily mean an end to a good sex life or a loss of interest in sex.

Menopause can be liberating; this is a reference to when periods wholly stop, and there is no longer a risk of accidental pregnancies.

However, consideration of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) remains.

Older Desi Women After Widowhood and Divorce

Sexuality & Ageing The Experiences of Older Desi Women

Divorce and widowhood can drastically reshape the intimate lives of many South Asian women, placing them in sexual limbo.

While men may be encouraged to remarry or seek companionship, women can face cultural stigma, expectations of celibacy, and a lack of recognition of their needs.

Fifty-eight-year-old British Pakistani Anisa stated:

“Some huffed when I said I wanted to remarry at 50; it had been a few years since my divorce.

“I had a home, all children fully grown and married. I wanted a companion, and Islamically, that is encouraged.

“It was the emotional and physical intimacy; I missed both.

“Some in the family and community huffed; they did not see the need. For them, my sons were there to take care of me.

“But I did not care. Many women cheered me when they spoke to me.

“Why can men marry at any age, but women it leads to huffing and frowns. It is silly.”

For some women, the lack of acknowledgement of Desi women’s needs after divorce or widowhood can lead to isolation and unfulfilled emotional and physical needs.

This lack of acknowledgement can reinforce the misconception that older women should suppress desire, further marginalising those who seek companionship.

However, as Anisa’s experience and words suggest, attitudes have changed and continue to shift.

Banerjee and Rao (2022) undertook research looking at perceptions of sex and sexuality in older Indian adults aged above 60 and concluded:

“Sexual wellbeing is connected with ‘ageing well’.”

“Our findings suggest that older people retain sexual desires and fantasies through changed patterns and expectations.

“Healthcare services, policymakers and academia need to be informed about older people’s sexual needs and rights.”

There is a need for targeted sexual health education, culturally sensitive medical care, and spaces for open discussions to ensure women can navigate changes as they age.

The experiences of older Desi women regarding sexuality are influenced by cultural, social, and health-related factors.

Some find new confidence in their desires and relationships. Yet others face silence, judgment, or health challenges that alter their intimate lives and the prominence of their sexual identities.

The prevailing narrative that sexuality belongs solely to the young dismisses the realities of ageing, where intimacy can take different but equally meaningful forms.

As Desi women, like men, age, issues encompassing sexuality do not simply vanish.

Somia is our content editor and writer who has a focus on lifestyle and social stigmas. She enjoys exploring controversial topics. Her motto is: "It's better to regret what you have done than what you haven't."

*Names have been changed for anonymity





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