Do British Asian Men Feel Pressure to be ‘Providers’ during Sex?

Within some British Asian households, a man’s worth and masculinity are subtly linked to his ability to provide, not just financially but also sexually.

This means that men are expected to initiate sex and take the lead, and this “burden of performance” is a difficult one to bear as shared intimacy turns into a high-stakes test solely on his shoulders.

The consequences of this expectation are significant, fostering a silent environment of performance anxiety, fear of failure, and emotional distance.

While this burden weighs heavily on men, it also impacts women, creating a dynamic where open communication about mutual desire is often replaced by a set of unhelpful and unspoken assumptions.

For both partners, a genuine connection can be lost in the pursuit of a one-sided performance.

We explore this pressure to be the provider, the experiences of some British Asian men and how it affects both partners.

‘The Cultural Script’

The roots of the male provider role in South Asian culture are deep and historically entrenched, typically linked to patriarchal structures that have long positioned men as the heads of households.

This role was not merely about financial provision; it was a cornerstone of a man’s identity, a symbol of his honour, strength, and responsibility to his family and community.

It dictates the expected behaviours for men and women, and it extends powerfully into sexual relationships.

When considering this traditional framework, a man’s performance in the bedroom is often seen as a direct reflection of his virility and, by extension, his power and ability to lead.

This perspective is not necessarily born of a conscious desire to dominate, but rather from a deeply ingrained cultural understanding of masculinity.

Historically, in many South Asian societies, the man’s role was to be the active force, the initiator, the one in control.

This was not just a social expectation but often a source of personal and familial honour.

Aishwarya Sahay and Kuhika Seth, of the International Centre for Research on Women (ICRW Asia), say:

“Masculinity is embodied through four key roles: provider, protector, procreator and pleasure giver. All spheres of men’s lives, including the dynamic they share with their partners, are guided by these roles.”

As a result, the ability to sexually satisfy a partner became another facet of a man’s duty, another way to demonstrate his worthiness.

Studies have highlighted how these traditional gender roles, while evolving, continue to influence the attitudes and behaviours of subsequent generations, even in places like the UK.

The pressures to uphold these expectations can be immense, leading to a situation where sex is perceived less as a shared experience and more as a performance with the man as the lead actor.

Pressure vs Pride

For many British South Asian men, these deep-rooted traditions are less a source of pride and more a wellspring of anxiety.

The pressure to “perform” in the bedroom can be immense, leading to a fear of not being “man enough”.

This anxiety can manifest in various ways, from erectile dysfunction to premature ejaculation, issues that are often shrouded in shame and silence.

The cultural taboo surrounding open conversations about sex means that many men suffer in silence, unable to voice their fears or seek help.

As Vivaan* admitted: “I do always feel that when it comes to sex, I’m the one who has to take the lead and that’s something I’ve always felt was what I had to do as a provider.

“I only realised how trapped I was in that ‘provider-first’ mentality when my girlfriend pointed out I’d never said ‘I’m sad’. That shook me.”

This illustrates how the pressure to be a stoic provider bleeds into all aspects of life, making emotional vulnerability, which is key to true intimacy, feel like a failure.

Meanwhile, 31-year-old Rohan* explained how performance anxiety impacted his relationship, stating:

“Instead of enjoying the moment with my partner, my mind is racing. ‘Am I doing this right? Is she enjoying it?’

“It’s a constant performance review in my own head. It kills the spontaneity and the connection.”

However, for some men, the provider role is a source of pride and fulfilment.

They may derive a genuine sense of accomplishment from being able to satisfy their partner in the bedroom, viewing it as a testament to their love and care.

This perspective is not necessarily about ego or control, but about a desire to give pleasure and to be a good partner.

Speaking about his relationship with his wife, Jay* told DESIblitz:

“I just like to see her happy. To provide her with the things she wants and needs. It’s a good feeling for a man to be able to do that for his wife. It’s my way of showing I love her.”

For men like Jay, being the initiator in a sexual encounter can be a source of confidence and a way to feel connected to their partner.

This viewpoint highlights the complex and often contradictory nature of these cultural expectations, where a sense of duty can be both a burden and a badge of honour.

Shared Communication

The pressure to be the “provider” in the bedroom can create a barrier to communication.

Men who feel they are expected to have all the answers are often reluctant to admit their own vulnerabilities or to express their own desires.

London-based psychologist Dr Umesh Joshi believes some of the struggles South Asian men face is around the lack of “emotional language”.

He said: “There can be shame around feeling sad, low or crying.

“There isn’t always a framework in households for dealing with stress, anxiety, depression or anger.

“Then, when those feelings come out in unhelpful ways, it continues because no known alternative feels safe or appropriate.”

This can lead to a silent and isolated sexual experience, where the man is so focused on his partner’s pleasure that he neglects his own.

He may be hesitant to ask for what he wants or to admit that he is unsure or anxious, for fear of being seen as less of a man.

This silence can create a vicious cycle, where a lack of communication leads to further anxiety and a greater sense of disconnect.

On the other hand, this pressure also shapes the expectations of women.

Due to their own upbringing and a lack of conversations about sex, some feel that the onus is on the man to initiate and take the lead during sex.

This conditioning can lead to a more passive role in intimacy.

As Yasmin* explained: “I think our culture has taught us to be shy and not really have a voice when it comes to sex.

“It’s almost as if we let the man take control and we just follow.”

This sentiment highlights a dynamic where the expectation for male leadership is met with a learned female deference.

But for some, this expectation translates into a preference for a more confident partner.

Twenty-nine-year-old Meena* shares this perspective:

“I was brought up with the idea that the man should take the lead. It’s what feels normal, and to be honest, I find it attractive when a man takes charge in the bedroom.”

This creates a cycle where both partners are operating under a set of unspoken and often unhelpful assumptions, preventing the open communication necessary for a truly mutual intimate relationship.

A New Model of Intimacy

Fortunately, more British South Asian couples are navigating intimacy that is based on equality, communication, and mutual satisfaction.

This moves away from the idea that it is up to the man to be the pleasure provider and towards more collaborative intimacy.

This shift in perspective can be transformative, as it allows both partners to redefine their roles.

Couples can achieve this by having open conversations outside of the bedroom about what they enjoy and what they would like to explore.

They can experiment with taking turns initiating sex and with different roles during lovemaking, as 32-year-old Priya* explained:

“For a while, I just expected my husband to know what I wanted, and he felt this huge pressure to get it right.

“It was only when we started talking, really talking, about what we both enjoy, that things changed.”

“It felt awkward at first, but now it feels like we’re on the same team. It’s not just his responsibility or mine; it’s ours, together.”

The key is to create a safe and non-judgmental space where both partners feel comfortable expressing themselves, leading to more fulfilling relationships for everyone involved.

The expectation that men must be the sole providers of sexual pleasure is a complex and deeply ingrained cultural dynamic that affects both men and women in the British South Asian community.

It is a product of historical and cultural forces that have shaped our understanding of masculinity and femininity for generations.

The pressure to be a ‘provider’ in all aspects of life, combined with a cultural reluctance to discuss emotions, has created a silent burden of performance anxiety.

By understanding the historical context of the provider role, the dual nature of its pressure, and its impact on modern relationships, we can begin to have more open and honest conversations about sex and intimacy.

It is a journey that requires courage, vulnerability, and a willingness to challenge the scripts that we have been given. But it is a journey that is well worth taking.