Are Desi Men Held to Different Sexual Standards than Women?

Gender norms and ideals influence sexual expectations in South Asian communities, often holding men and women to different (hetero)sexual standards.

But what does that mean for Desi men from, for example, Pakistani, Indian and Bangladeshi backgrounds?

Do they have more freedom to explore?

Are there instances where sexual standards and expectations can cause discomfort and issues for men?

Across cultures and societies, the gendered lens shapes norms, expectations and judgements around sexual conduct and issues.

Gendered disparities and differences impact experiences, relationships, mental health, and personal agency.

DESIblitz looks at whether Desi men are still held to different sexual standards than women.

Socio-Cultural Expectations and Ideals

Sex plays an important role in human lives across cultures. Yet, it often remains a taboo issue pushed into the shadows.

In contemporary Desi cultures, socio-culturally, sex is predominately seen as a means of procreation, especially for women.

Sex as a recreational activity is shrouded in the shadows. This is in part due to the legacy of British colonisation and attempts to police female sexuality.

When it comes to their sexuality, Desi women face significant scrutiny, judgement and monitoring.

In contrast, men can be expected to conform to traditional and hyper-masculine ideals that position them as highly sexual and prioritise sexual prowess, dominance and experience.

Sahay and Seth from the International Centre for Research on Women (ICRW Asia), looking at the issue in the context of India, asserted:

“On one hand, masculine expectations accord men superior status; on the other, that status pressures men to fulfil a range of expectations.

“Masculinity is embodied through four key roles: provider, protector, procreator and pleasure giver.”

“All spheres of men’s lives, including the dynamic they share with their partners, are guided by these roles.”

Expectations can impact men’s understanding of sexual relationships and their own sexual needs and contribute to mental health struggles and insecurities.

Male Perspectives on Differing Expectations & Standards

Differing standards and expectations continue impacting men and women in multifaceted ways.

US-born Jas*, who is currently working in the UK, stated:

“We are not judged like women for being active, but we are judged if we can’t perform or don’t want to.

“There’s an assumption I felt as I grew and dated that I should be wanting to be sexually active quickly.

“When friends started to become active, I did not correct assumptions I was. I wanted to wait until I was in my mid-twenties, at least.

“But that felt too feminine a thing to say. I didn’t want to be laughed at.”

Jas highlights the privileged position men hold. However, he also shows the challenges they face when they do not conform to traditional expectations.

Imran, a British Pakistani and Bangladeshi in his late twenties, stated:

“Guys are meant to know what to do, but where are we meant to learn? Porn ain’t reliable, and no one talks properly.

“You have to go research and pray no one catches you or that you’ll be thought of as a perv.”

“The rule book for men and women has always been different.

“Yes, there are different sexual standards and expectations.

“Girls, women when married who don’t know something ain’t judged by randoms and men, in the same way we are if it gets out.

“But yeah, women are judged way more easily in a bad way if it’s known they sleep around. With us, it’s seen differently.

“I had to learn and break it down all myself. We need spaces where guys can talk and learn without being thought of as perverts, f**k boys.

“Otherwise, men and women will carry on dealing with the issues from all the expectations and gender biases.”

Imran’s words show that, despite being seen as sexually dominant, men can lack reliable sex education and barriers to open discussions.

The differing expectations placed on Desi men in sexual relationships reflect broader societal contradictions. While granted more freedom, they can feel pressure to perform and “know” what to do without guidance.

This silence perpetuates a cycle of misinformation. Where men often rely on unreliable sources like pornography or peer assumptions to navigate their sexual experiences.

Some men feel they are expected to be sexually knowledgeable, yet they lack space to learn and discuss matters. This can contribute to anxiety, insecurity, and unhealthy attitudes to sex and sexual intimacy.

Do Desi Men Face Pressure to Perform?

A 2021 study surveying 140 men aged 16-35 in India found that performance anxiety and being labelled a creep were concerns:

“On the clinical front, most men claimed that ‘performance anxiety’, ‘lasting long’ and the traumas of a ‘whiskey d**k’ is what haunts them the most.

“Though for many, the struggles begin long before entering the bedroom.”

Many will have heard the phrase “men think about sex every seven seconds” or “men always want sex”.

Can such stereotyping pigeonhole men and be problematic?

For Junaid*, it can be: “Not all men want just physical; some, like me, want emotional connections.

“We don’t just think with our lower half. We’re not always ready for it or thinking about it.”

Junaid acknowledged that “some men just want sex”, but he stressed that this label should not apply to all men.

Research has debunked assumptions like men thinking about sex every seven seconds.

For example, a 2011 American study found men think about sex around 19 times a day, while women think about sex 10 times a day.

According to researchers, the data suggests two theories about men versus women when it comes to sexual thoughts.

Men may think about all of their biological needs more often than women (not just sex), or they find it easier to identify these thoughts.

Researchers also found that men and women who were comfortable with their sexuality were more likely to think about sex frequently.

For Junaid, there can be a disregard for men’s emotional needs and wants when it comes to sexual intimacy.

Desi men are held to different sexual standards than women, reinforcing inequality and tensions.

Overarchingly, men do not face the same judgement or stigmatisation for being sexually active. However, ideals and stereotypes can expect them to embody traditional ideas of masculinity, dominance, and experience.

This can lead to insecurities, performance anxiety, and internalised pressures.

Sex education must be integrated within Desi communities and families. Imran’s words emphasised the negative impact of its absence.

Though conversations and attitudes around sexuality are evolving, rigid gender norms and ideals around sexuality persist.

The words of Jas and Imran illustrate that men, like women, can struggle with silence, misinformation, and anxiety around sexual expectations and sexuality.

The lack of comprehensive sex education, emotional literacy, and open discourse reinforces a cycle where men and women navigate sexual identities with confusion and pressure.

Open discussions about sexual desire and sexuality for Desi individuals are essential. It will help foster healthier attitudes and relationships and reduce anxiety, discomfort, and misinformation.