"I was already feeling awkward about it."
A Punjabi journalist opened up about her experience of sex during her past arranged marriage.
Minreet Kaur, who is now divorced, tied the knot at 27 in a “semi-arranged” marriage.
The marriage was more than 15 years ago and the couple were introduced through a Gurdwara matrimonial service at a Sikh temple in west London. They barely knew each other before the wedding and had limited opportunities to meet.
Minreet said: “It was fairly strict that we couldn’t meet up a lot, so we didn’t.
“I was a virgin as I always wanted to share that special moment with my husband.
“I thought I would have time to get to know him first and have the physical relationship that love marriages do.”
Minreet felt cultural pressure and people would always ask if she had met anyone – if not – why not?
“A lot of my friends were married, so I felt I better get a move on.
“Looking back now, I think I rushed it, I actually didn’t really know my ex, and before you know it we were married.”
On her wedding night, Minreet remembered feeling nervous about getting intimate with someone she barely knew.
Usually, couples in arranged marriages would stay a night out after getting married.
However, Minreet and her then-husband remained in the family home along with seven of his relatives.
She said: “How can you actually relax? I was already feeling awkward about it.”
Apart from having sex on the first night of marriage, there wasn’t really a physical relationship. The couple may have had sex a few times after but Minreet “can’t really remember it. I never think about it”.
Minreet admitted: “The sex was non-existent as I had a lot of issues in my marriage.
“What bothers me more now is I lost my virginity to someone who was a stranger.
“Really and there was nothing between us and I never loved him.”
Minreet realised that many people look forward to having an intimate relationship with their partner and feeling a connection, something she never had.
She added: “It was just something you do when you’re married, in fact I felt sick inside because the person I married wasn’t someone I felt close to.”
Satinder Panesar, psychotherapist and clinical consultant from Glasgow works with a lot of clients who are women in arranged marriages from the South Asian community.
He said: “These women often face significant challenges in their relationship with sex and intimacy.
“One of the most common issues is the lack of emotional connection with their spouse.
“Many enter marriage with little or no prior relationship, making physical intimacy feel more like an obligation than a mutual expression of love or desire.
“Without emotional closeness, sex can become transactional, leaving women feeling detached or even resentful.
“A major concern is the absence of informed consent.”
“In some cases, women may not have had a real choice in accepting the marriage, leading to situations where sex feels forced rather than voluntary.
“Cultural and familial expectations often reinforce the idea that fulfilling a husband’s sexual needs is a wife’s duty, making it difficult for women to voice discomfort or set boundaries.
“This is compounded by the fact that marital rape is rarely acknowledged within many South Asian communities, and in some countries, it is not even legally recognised as a crime.
“Even in places where it is, cultural and religious beliefs discourage women from speaking out, leaving them without protection or recourse.”
Expecting to conform to traditional gender roles also plays a role in shaping women’s experiences within marriage.
Many women are taught that their role is to be a good wife and mother, which includes being sexually available to their husbands.
This pressure can lead them to engage in sex against their will, fearing they’ll be seen as a “bad wife” or bring shame to their family.
Saying no can have serious consequences—emotional abuse, physical violence, or abandonment. In extreme cases, women risk being disowned if they seek divorce.
Loading ...