It can be a very nervous time for a couple who have never ever been intimate
After the wedding, sex in an arranged marriage on the first night is something in the South Asian culture that produces very different experiences for couples with different knowledge levels of sexual intimacy.
Despite changes and progress in the culture, an arranged wedding is still a common way of getting married. This type of marriage can often lead to Desi first night anxiety and worry for both partners.
In fact, having a marriage arranged is still a means of finding a husband or wife in the UK too, for many British Asians.
It can be a very nervous time for a couple who have never ever been intimate with each other prior to their marriage.
Especially, in India, Pakistan, Sri Lanka or Bangladesh, where couples may not be allowed to date or even meet before their wedding.
In India, arranged marriage is totally different for the upper middle class to high class and the lower middle class to poor people.
Lower classes tend to depend on traditional society norms, where for example, a girl who has turned 18, is seen as the perfect age to be married.
In rural areas, some rishtas are done even at a younger age where the children are betrothed by families.
This increases the prospect of sexual naivety and inexperience to be a major issue for a newly married couple on their first night after arranged marriage.
Arranged marriage sex can be very challenging for those who have never had any kind of sexual relations in the past.
Therefore, the first night experience in arranged marriage needs both people to focus on each other to avoid disappointment due to expectations.
From being single to being married and sharing a bed for sex with a man or woman you have never met can be a very strange, weird, scary and anxious time for both parties, especially if they are virgins.
So, is it right to have sex on the first night of your arranged marriage and if so what is expected of you?
There are a number of points related to the first night that can have an effect on sex and expectations.
- The environment may make you feel uncomfortable due it to being a parent’s or relative’s home and knowing people are still around in the house from the wedding.
- A long wedding day and constant rituals leave both very exhausted.
- Both agree that time is needed to get to know each other before they have sex, so they will wait.
- The bride is emotional, upset and sad due to leaving her parental home.
- If both are virgins then it may be a very awkward and difficult for them to know what to do or expect.
- The bride may be afraid that sex will be painful.
- The groom may think the bride does not want sex but actually, she is very excited to finally be physical with her husband.
- The groom feels he has the right to have sex and assumes having forceful sex with the bride is acceptable – which can lead to marital rape.
- The groom does not have experience of buying or using condoms.
- The bride has not used any contraception or knows much about it.
- The bride is very inexperienced sexually whereas the groom is very experienced or vice-versa. Leading to questions and thoughts related to the partner’s past and future sexual satisfaction.
- Out of duty, the bride has sex after being told by her relatives or mother that she must do as required of her.
- The bride feels sex is dirty and disgusting and is not comfortable with having sex at all – leading to a difficult sexual relationship in the future.
All of or some of these are likely to ring true for many who have had their marriage arranged. Whilst there will be some who have not had any such experiences because they have both grown into their relationship in a loving and sexual way.
It is also common for couples to delay their first sexual encounter until a honeymoon or time-out away from families and relatives.
For every couple, things will be different depending on where they are from and their background.
When it comes to first time sex in an arranged marriage, here are some special tips that can help you.
- Sex on the first night is not compulsory unless you both feel comfortable to do so
- Expectancy of one partner may lead to disappointment – so keep an open mind.
- Talking and communication about sex is the most important way to understand each other’s needs.
- Do not forget foreplay – touching, hugging and kissing each other.
- Learn from each other if you are completely new to sex – give it time and do not rush it.
- The first night of sex may not always be the best experience – especially if you do not know what you’re doing.
- Be enthusiastic and excited about sex, not scared or reluctant.
- Don’t expect to do, see or feel what you may see in porn or films.
- Learn about sex without feeling apprehensive and share it with your partner.
- As a man do not force or expect it – get her in the mood.
As you can see arranged marriage and sex is not a straightforward affair.
It can be very complicated for those who have no idea about sex. But it can also be difficult for those who expect something from marital sex but do not get it.
Sex in Arranged Marriage
The first sex in marriage can have an impact on both people.
If it is not enjoyable for the woman, it can leave her anxious and fearful for the next time. For the man, if he feels he did not perform as he should, it can leave him worried too.
Therefore, if you are about to have an arranged marriage or are in one already, try and make sex an enjoyable part of your relationship, not a difficult one.
Here are some tips to help you with sex in your arranged marriage.
- If your wife is not ready or afraid, do not force her to have sex. Long term your relationship will suffer.
- If your husband is not in the mood, do not judge him. Men can feel apprehensive too or just tired from work.
- Make an effort with your partner don’t let it be one-sided.
- Do not use sex as a barrier or to control the relationship.
- Learn to include sex as an important aspect of your married life and always have time for each other.
- Sex in any marriage is always at peak early on in the relationship. The same can be for an arranged marriage.
- Discuss your feelings about sex. Don’t leave it to guesswork for your partner.
- Sex is individual to everyone. It does not have to be like what you see in films or TV.
- Practice makes perfect and sex is no different!
If you have sexual health issues, go see a doctor for help. Do not just ignore it. Men can suffer from erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation and women can have issues like not being able to orgasm (anorgasmia) and finding intercourse painful.
Treatments are available along with counselling support for couples too. Don’t let such issues affect your sex life in your marriage. Build a good bond with support and trust.
The most important thing is to talk and communicate your inner desires and differences with your other half. Your partner can’t read your mind!
Your first experience of sex in an arranged marriage should be the start of intimacy in your marital union, which after all, is still unique to you and your partner.
For further help, here are some frequently asked questions and answers related to the first night.
This should not make a difference to you. The sexual past of your partner should not impact your married life together. Being a virgin or not should not inhibit you. Your sexual intimacy on the first night is unique and special to you and your partner.
It is usually given to the man to increase his energy and vigour for the night of passion. It can help to maintain a steady sexual drive and delay the man’s ejaculation. Especially, if it contains aphrodisiacs like crushed pepper and almonds. Vitamin A in the milk helps to boost sex hormones both testosterone.
It’s not a problem. You should spend the time getting to know each other and feel comfortable. Even if you do try and it does not happen, take your time. Do not see sex as just the end goal of your first night together.
Shyness, being weary or afraid can be natural for someone who has not had a sexual encounter. It is your job to help relax your partner and allow them time to feel comfortable. Talk and communicate. Do not force your partner in any way.