Under no circumstances should you as the bride feel compelled to have sex
South Asian Weddings are a stressful period and the first night for the Desi bride is no exception, especially if she has not had relationships in the past.
The ceremonies, traditions and cultural customs, the wedding day, the guests, family, relatives and of course leaving your parental home makes many mental and physical demands on you as a Desi bride.
Once the day is over, the bride and her husband are ready to start their life, officially as a married couple . The first night is the time when they really have ‘alone time’ to discover each other sexually.
For some, it will be an exciting time, if both are already acquainted with each other sexually. The night will be a joyful occasion where the bride will sexually celebrate her marriage with her husband, instead of her once partner or lover.
However, for the Desi bride that has not experienced a sexual relationship, for example, in an arranged marriage scenario, the first night can be a very anxious and nervous time. It may even be the case for the bride that has dated her husband briefly.
The pressure to have a wonderful sexual experience on your first night is natural and comes with the package of a marriage. This may be on your honeymoon in a different country, a hotel or at your residence.
To help, here are some valuable tips for the Desi bride for how to prepare for her first night and what to do or expect.
It’s natural that the expectations for both newly wed husband and wife are going to be high. However, tiredness, nerves, shyness and lack of experience can hinder the mood.
In an arranged marriage, the bride may feel she has to meet the sexual expectations of her husband.
Your first night as a Desi bride most likely will not reflect on what you see in Bollywood films or glossy photos. In most cases, expectations and reality end up being very different.
So as a bride, if you are uncomfortable with sex, try and be yourself and don’t feel forced. Talk and communicate your feelings to him. Comfort him intimately. Cuddling and being close without having sex on the first night is completely acceptable.
The reality of being with each other as a married couple can take time and adjustment. So, if sex does not happen on the first night, there are still many nights of intimacy to follow for you and your husband.
If you find it difficult to talk to your husband, ask another member of the family or mentor to help discreetly.
Under no circumstances should you as the bride feel compelled to have sex just because you are now married and a wife.
You must feel completely comfortable and willing to do it, giving your complete consent to do so.
If during any point on the first night or after, you are forced, blackmailed or made to have sex for some other reason, this can be classed as non-consensual sex. It can also be viewed as rape.
Countries like the UK have laws to protect women who suffer rape within marriage.
Contraception is extremely important if you are definitely not looking at starting a family.
Therefore, as the bride, you must make sure you are protected from getting pregnant using appropriate contraception such as the pill, femidom etc.
Alternatively, insist your husband wears a condom and do not take chances if it slips off or rips. Use another immediately.
Seek medical advice before your marriage to see what contraception is available and suitable for you.
Most Desi brides will wear a lot of traditional clothes such as heavy lehengas with pins, flowers, jewellery and pinned hair styles. All of this can be awkward when trying to get close to your husband.
Dressing down prior to being alone is definitely worthwhile. Changing outfit into something more accessible for him can add to the intimacy and excitement.
Sexy lingerie and underwear for your special time together will enhance the occasion. The touch and feeling of sensual material and seeing you dressed up can make it very sexy.
If you have had an arranged marriage, being with your husband on the first night is most likely going to feel awkward.
You as the Desi bride may feel apprehensive about what is going to happen to you. You may feel scared and unsure, being with literally, a man who is a stranger in the bedroom with you.
The best way to deal with this will be to talk to your husband. Explain your fears and help him understand your anguish. He may too be nervous.
Foreplay works best. Get close, touch, cuddle, feel, kiss and caress. Learn how his body feels against yours and what makes you feel sensual.
Maybe look at images or watch an adult movie to help you appreciate what is possible when it comes to sex.
Developing a better understanding of each other’s feelings is more important than awkwardly trying to have sex.
Being Shy or Not
If you are genuinely shy about being intimate with your husband, then he will want to help you relax and feel comfortable with him. If you still feel very shy, talk to him and tell him you are not avoiding his advances but need time to open up.
If you are not shy, there is no reason to ‘act’ shy. Use your confidence to be intimate and openly sexual with him.
A Desi wedding can really take its toll. Not every first night results in sex.
You should take your time and if it means not having sex on the first night, few days or even week. There is nothing wrong with this as long as you both understand and are comfortable with the reasons.
Be prepared to learn from each other. As the bride, there is no embarrassment in you learning about what he likes sexually. Explore and practice on him.
Take your time. It is not a race or some odd test of your sexuality.
However, if sex is being avoided by him and does not happen after a few weeks. Then, you as the wife has every right to find out what is wrong. Talk to him.
Your beauty regime for your wedding night matters as much as the day. This is the time when you will be completely alone with your man.
As a woman during your preparations for your wedding day, removing unwanted hairs on your body and harnessing good skin-care is important. So, get those waxes, manicures and pedicures done. Feel and look your best. There is nothing like giving him the thrill of feeling you nice and smooth all over.
Your henna will radiate and if you have some hidden patterns only for your man, now is the time for him to see them.
Be aware that your wedding night may be messy and not so clean. Bodily fluids and the exchange of sexual pleasure can lead to a mess and smells never experienced before.
If you are a virgin, you may find that you may bleed, so make sure you have appropriate bedding and wipes to dispose of easily.
There are many brides who fear the stories of pain on the first night.
When it comes to sex for the first time, if you are a virgin, you will lose your virginity which incurs some pain.
Technically, it is when your hymen tears allowing entry. This can result in some loss of blood and may hurt but is not dangerous to your health. Because it is something your body has never experienced before and the start of your sex life with your partner.
Do not worry, this pain does ease off as your sex life grows and frequency increases with time.
If you do have pain that is long term when having sex. You are advised to see your doctor.
As a Desi bride, your wedding is a very wonderful time of your life, and so, should be your first night with your husband.
You should experience an intimate night sprinkled with sexual pleasure which amicably results in a pleasurable union.
Learn to balance your own desires and needs with his. Don’t let your relationship get one-sided e.g. as the woman, just going along with everything he wants. Experiment, try new things etc.
You are embarking on a life with your husband which can be fruitful with healthy sex, intimacy and love.
Communication between the both of you will lead to better sex and learning to be with each other as your married life flourishes will certainly aid the harmony of your sexual relationship.