The Challenges Married Desi Women Face with their Sexuality

For many married Desi women, navigating and engaging with their sexuality is fraught with challenges.

These challenges are often rooted in deep-seated socio-cultural norms, familial expectations, societal pressures and ideals.

In South Asian communities, marriage is frequently seen as a pivotal life milestone and sex is for procreation.

The idea of sexual expression outside of reproductive purposes can be considered a taboo subject for some.

Moreover, even where this has and continues to change, the idea of women having sexual needs and desires is often suppressed. It is an issue that does not involve open conversations for all.

This creates a difficult dynamic, as women are often expected to conform to traditional ideals, leading to a suppression of their sexual desires and needs.

Married Desi women from, for example, Pakistani, Indian, and Bengali backgrounds can therefore face significant personal discomfort, pain and unease.

The impact of this suppression extends beyond the individual woman, affecting marital satisfaction, emotional intimacy, and overall mental health.

DESIblitz looks at some of the challenges married Desi women face regarding their sexuality.

Dealing with the Impact of Socio-Cultural Norms & Ideas

Cultural expectations play a significant role in shaping married Desi women’s experiences with their sexuality.

In many South Asian communities, traditional gender roles prioritise the needs and desires of men.

Women are often expected to undertake their duties as wives and mothers with little emphasis on their sexual satisfaction.

Accordingly, married Desi women can neglect their own sexual needs.

This dynamic creates a barrier to sexual exploration, as women feel pressure to conform to cultural ideals of modesty and being a ‘good woman’.

The pressure to conform to traditional expectations can lead to a lack of sexual autonomy for married Desi women.

Fifty-year-old British Kashmiri Nasima* stressed:

“Getting married and babies we heard about growing up and when it was time.

“No one spoke about the bedroom and what happens there.”

“Then, after marriage, barely anyone said anything and only in quiet spaces for some.

“Women, people and families talked about me being a sister, daughter, wife, and mother. We all do it, but that’s all for ‘good women’.

“This idea of me having needs no, even saying it now, makes me uncomfortable, and I know that uncomfortable feeling is wrong.”

Similarly, Anika*, a 35-year-old Bengali woman, stated:

“Culture-wise, we are done over big time when it comes to this side of our identity and needs. If you’ve dated or been in a long-term relationship, it’s easier to unpack and unlearn.

“But even then, it’s hard. I married my boyfriend, not a stranger or someone I barely knew. But before and after, it took time to open up to him about what I wanted, especially when that changed.”

There can be a deeply internalised sense of judgement and shame for Desi women when it comes to their bodies and sexual needs.

Unlearning Bodily & Sexual Shame

Desi women’s bodies and sexuality are policed and judged in ways men’s bodies and sex lives are not. Patriarchal society and colonialism’s legacy ensure that women’s bodies and sexuality remain problematised.

Accordingly, there can be a great deal of bodily shame and shame over sexual desires that married women need to unpack and unlearn.

Thirty-five-year-old British Bengali Ruby* has been married for six years. She told DESIblitz:

“From a religious and cultural angle, sex was a no-go for me before marriage. I don’t regret not having sex, but I regret there was no one to have proper talks with, to ask questions.

“Born and raised in the West, but still there is this feeling of shame and silence we grow up with when it comes to sex and having needs.

“No one talked to me about orgasms, self-pleasure or that after marriage, a husband is meant to take care of your needs.

“I was embarrassed and scared for ages about it all.

“When I married, my husband didn’t pressure me but took forever to get comfortable, even taking clothes off in front of him with lights on.”

In turn, 36-year-old Indian Canadian Alina* stressed:

“The shame has got to go. More talking is needed, but we also need to crush the body shame. What’s wrong with women masturbating and liking sex? If guys can, why not women?

“The BS has got to stop.

“I was lucky that my mum raised me differently; we had open talks, and I knew it wasn’t wrong to explore and want.”

Desi women can grow up with an uncomfortable silence around women’s sexuality and, thus, sexual needs. Silence weighs heavily, implying that sexuality and desires are dirty, dangerous, and must be suppressed to be considered ‘good’.

Maintaining Intimacy as a Couple

Maintaining sexual and emotional intimacy as time goes by and life gets busy can also be a challenge.

Thirty-year-old Hazera, a British Bengali, declared:

“After two kids and being married just over ten years, sex doesn’t really excite me like it did.

“What matters is that me and my husband are close. We talk, share and are honest with each other.”

For many married Desi women, motherhood adds another layer of complexity to their sexual identity.

The demands of raising children and taking care of a home, along with a possible job, often take precedence over sexual fulfilment, leading to a decrease in intimacy between partners.

The cultural expectation that women should prioritise their role as mothers can lead to feelings of guilt when they attempt to focus on their own needs.

The Reddit comment below highlights a perspective on the challenges some married Desi women can face, which can lead to a “sexless” marriage and relationship tension.

Comment
byu/Pink_inthenightcream from discussion
inAskIndia

Some people find it easier to pinpoint moments when sex slowed down or when sexual intimacy decreased or stopped.

Obstetrician-gynecologist Dr Rukhsana Hashim said:

“For women, it’s usually after childbirth. People refer to this as being in ‘mother mode’, where the flush of hormones makes your child your prime focus. Everything else is secondary.”

Maria, a 49-year-old British Kashmiri, shared her experience:

“No one talks about how you can get bogged down and so tired and the impact on sex life. My first marriage, my husband barely helped after the baby was born.

“I was tired, nervous being a mum and couldn’t really talk to my husband

“My priorities also changed, and sex wasn’t my focus for a while. He couldn’t understand, wouldn’t talk and decided to cheat.

“Second husband, it’s a different ball game. We are connected in ways that were missing in the first.”

The Challenge of Taking Sexual Desires out of the Shadows

Desi women can feel uncomfortable discussing their sexual desires with their partners due to fear of judgment or rejection.

Maria stated: “With the first husband, I was scared to tell him what I wanted and how I felt.

“Turned out I was right to be; he felt his pleasure and needs were more important than mine. That thing about ‘men have needs’.

“Before I remarried, I made sure my husband and I spoke; he is more considerate and open.”

Moreover, married Desi women can also feel uncomfortable and nervous about speaking to other women. They can be worried about being judged negatively.

People often use culture and religion as tools to police, regulate, and control women, making them feel unable to ask questions.

Shabnam*, a 35-year-old Bengali, asserted:

“If you study and research, you’ll see Islam gives answers about women’s needs within marriage, but all that is suppressed by cultures.

“People can conflate the two, but once I started searching, I realised the difference. Some also misuse religion to control.

“Then I gained the confidence to speak to other women and be honest with those women who wanted to ask me questions.

“The cultural shame marking our bodies and natural needs has to be eradicated. It’s toxic.”

“Women being satisfied and happy with their husbands is a good thing.

“In some cultures, mothers and older women talk to unmarried women about sex and pleasure. That way, when they marry, they aren’t unaware; they are more confident.

“It should be the same in all cultures and families. We damage so much by the shame and suppression that continues.”

For Shabnam, communication and knowledge sharing between women is invaluable and a vital tool to foster confidence and destigmatise female sexuality.

Are Times Changing for Desi Married Women?

Despite growing global conversations around women’s sexual autonomy, many married Desi women continue to face struggles and challenges.

The pressure to conform to traditional expectations and ideals can lead to a lack of sexual autonomy for married Desi women.

The challenges married Desi women face regarding their sexuality are rooted in a complex web of socio-cultural ideals, expectations, beliefs, and norms.

Consequently, married Desi women can find themselves having the painful and emotional experience of having to unlearn the shame and stigma attached to their bodies, sex and ideas of pleasure.

There is also the fact that the daily duties involved with work and home can lead to exhaustion that has women intentionally or unintentionally suppressing these needs.

Moreover, a lack of communication within marriages or assumptions of male pleasure being more important can cause difficulties and stress for women.

Nevertheless, change has and continues to take place in different spaces.

Desi women, in various ways, are increasingly embracing more of who they are. Thus removing the shackles that can restrain and silence their sexual needs.

Although community and family silence and discomfort remain profound when it comes to female sexuality.

Married Desi women can often grapple with the pressure to conform to traditional roles, leaving little room for sexual exploration or completion.

For some Desi women, knowing their spouse before marriage helps them navigate more comfortable conversations around sexual intimacy and its realities.

Thirty-three-year-old Shamima has been married for several years and said:

“We talked for nearly a year before we got married. So we were comfy with each other.”

Both married and unmarried Desi women are working to change the script for themselves and other women.

Sangeeta Pillai, a South Asian feminist activist, founder of Soul Sutras and the creator of Masala Podcast, revealed:

“Here’s what I was taught. A good Indian woman is obedient and lives the life her parents and society tell her to live.

“A good Indian woman gets ‘married off’ early and becomes a mother quickly because that is her primary purpose.

“A good Indian woman doesn’t reveal any part of her body or her sexual desires.”

“A good Indian woman ignores her own needs and lives her life serving others. My mother, my grandmother and many women before them had lived exactly this life.”

After “a series of moments and days and years”, Pillai found herself “giving up” on meeting the image of a “good Indian woman”. In doing so, she found freedom and thus inspired others to dare to step outside normative expectations.

Moreover, with increasing access to sexual education and support systems, many are starting to reclaim their sexual identities.

By addressing these issues openly, there is hope for married Desi women to experience healthier, more fulfilling sexual relationships and experiences.