What Challenges Do Working Desi Single Parents Face?

Desi single parents face several challenges as they navigate work and single parenthood.

Challenges can be linked to cultural expectations, social stigma, feelings of guilt, financial strain, mental health and economic barriers.

The idea of a Desi home with two heterosexual parents is still idealised within South Asian cultures.

However, single-parent homes are becoming increasingly common, including in South Asian communities.

Data from the Office of National Statistics (ONS) showed that in 2022 there were 2.9 million single-parent families in the UK.

Single mothers headed 84% of families (2.5 million) while single fathers accounted for 16% (457,000) of lone-parent families.

The charity Gingerbread, which supports single parents, highlighted that 66% of single parents are employed. That is two out of three single parents.

Parents from Bengali, Pakistani, Indian, and Sri Lankan backgrounds are increasingly becoming single parents. This is either through choice, separation, divorce or widowhood.

DESIblitz delves into the specific challenges that working British Desi single parents face.

The Challenges of Dealing with Cultural & Family Expectations

Cultural and family expectations can lead to challenges for Desi single parents. Traditional gender roles remain deeply ingrained in many South Asian cultures.

The expectation is that women, especially, will prioritise family and household responsibilities over their career ambitions.

For Desi single mothers, this expectation can create significant pressures and tensions.

Maya*, a 38-year-old British Bengali, became a single mother in 2004 when her son was two.

Maya said: “When I first became a single mum, it was scary. My family was determined to be there for me, but there were expectations.

“They expected me to do one of two things. Move back in with them so they could help.

“Or give up work entirely for a few years as I raised my son and took care of the home. They said they’d support me financially.

“But I loved the job I had and didn’t want to be dependent on anyone. I also have never been the personality type just to be home.

“I felt painfully guilty first until I realised the expectations of family and community mattered less than my son. And my son was happy.

“I knew I would have to change my plans when it came to work goals, but I refused to give them up. It wasn’t the example I wanted to set for my son.

“At the start, it was hard, balancing everything and staying firm with my parents, but it worked out.

“Once they realised I was determined, they became my strongest supporters.

“They told anyone who said ‘get your daughter married again’ that I didn’t need a man, and if I wanted to, I would.”

Single fathers can also face challenges due to socio-cultural gender ideals held by the family.

Sam, a 45-year-old British Indian single father of three, said:

“My mum and aunts helped with childcare but I quickly realised I needed to scale back how much I worked. And change how I worked.

“My mum and aunts are from a generation where women do certain things and children need a mother. They did not understand why I did not just remarry.

“For them, that was the best course of action, rather than me changing my work life drastically. The conversation would have been very different had I been a woman.

“Led to many tense words.”

The entrenchment of traditional gender roles means Desi single fathers and mothers can face different expectations and pressures from the family.

Childcare Challenges

Childcare is one of the most pressing challenges for working single parents.

In traditional South Asian families, extended family members often play a significant role in providing childcare support.

Aliyah*, a 30-year-old British Bengali and mother of two, revealed:

“Without my family being there to help look after the boys, I couldn’t have stayed in my job.”

“The boss lets me work home one day a week. That’s been a massive help.

“But I still need someone there for the boys when it’s holidays.

“Working from home with young kids isn’t smooth sailing; need help keeping them happily occupied.”

However, family support is not always available. Desi single parents may live too far from their family or not have such family support.

In turn, some Desi single parents may prefer more formal childcare arrangements.

The high cost of quality childcare in the UK makes it difficult for single parents to afford adequate care for their children.

As a result, some Desi single parents may have to work fewer hours or take on extra jobs to afford childcare.

Anisa*, a 41-year-old British Pakistani with twin daughters aged eight, said:

“When I married, I moved to Manchester. That was over 12 years ago. None of my family lives here, and moving back to where the family is didn’t make sense.

“I know where everything is here and the local council system. But it meant that I had to pay for childcare.

“And childcare in a good place is pricey. I took on extra work from home.

“Every month we break even, no money for extra days out unless I budget and save for a while.”

Navigating the expensive world of childcare services adds another layer of complexity to the already challenging task of balancing work and parental responsibilities.

Challenges of having Career Goals

Single parents can bear the sole responsibility for childcare, which limits the time available for work, professional development, or networking.

They may struggle to work long hours, take on additional projects, or pursue further education – all of which are crucial for career advancement.

The need for flexible working hours or part-time employment to accommodate childcare responsibilities can limit career progression.

Even with strong co-parenting, the need to spend time with their child can challenge single parents’ career goals. They can often be forced to make hard choices.

Sharon is a 43-year-old British Pakistani who loves her job as a police officer.

However, as a single parent, she had to adjust her career aspirations due to her child and parental responsibilities:

“Careerwise, something has to give somewhere. I had to choose career over family or family over career.”

“Even in this job I’m doing, I can’t do what I actually want to do.

“I can’t follow the career path I want to follow fully because the hours, the shifts and what I was doing was too time-consuming. It didn’t work with having Ava.

“I’m still doing a role I enjoy, but not to the full potential I want it to be.”

Similarly, Aisha, a 38-year-old British Bengali, re-evaluated her career as a lawyer and the way she worked:

“With three kids and an ex who decided to disappear, I had to change my focus.

“After a year of trying, I left the law firm I loved to a smaller one. It allowed me to have a more flexible timetable and work from home.”

Like all parents, single parents make sacrifices. However, they often face further challenges as lone parents.

Even where co-parenting exists, hard decisions are often needed to facilitate and maintain a relationship with their child.

Spending Quality Time with Children

Desi single parents struggle to ensure they spend quality time with their children. This can be difficult due to responsibilities and the daily schedules of children and adults.

Regular parental involvement is essential for children to gain important life lessons, guidance, and support.

In ensuring quality time, parent-child bonds and emotional connections are fostered and sustained.

Thus, while working, Desi single parents must also consider ways to ensure they spend quality time with their child/children.

Aisha explained: “Life is busy for us all.

“Between the kids’ activities and clubs, my chores, and work, we’re all busy and tired by the end of the day. Forget the week.

“I make sure I take time just to be with the kids; it’s not always easy.”

“I do get tired, and sometimes, the oldest wants to be a hermit in his room or with friends.

“We have a routine, and they know I’m there for them, even when working.

“It’s easy to be with the kids every day and still not be there.

“That’s what it was like for me when I was a kid, and I had two parents in the house. Just being present doesn’t mean kids get what they need.

“It’s being present, caring and communicating with them. Me and the kids are close in a way I never was with my parents.

“I gain fulfilment from my work even when it’s been hard. I think it’s important for the kids to see that.

“A working single parent isn’t a deprivation for children and the home like I’ve heard some older Asians say.

“I know other single parents, men and women who are working, and their kids are doing well like mine.”

For Aisha, negative stereotypes of single-parent families need to be dismantled and do not reflect her reality.

Economic Pressures and Financial Instability

British South Asian single parents often experience significant economic pressures due to their single-income status.

The financial strain is further exacerbated by the need to provide for children’s educational and extracurricular activities.

In 2021, the Child Poverty Action Group (CAPG) ran a report to find the average cost of having children in the UK.

CAPG found that up to 18, the cost of raising a child in a single-parent family is a staggering £193,801.

In contrast, for couples, the cost is £160,692.

Sam revealed: “The fact that I had built up heavy savings and had investments meant the children and I never lived paycheque to paycheque.

“I have friends who are single parents and married parents who struggle. The strain on their mental health is acute at times.

“The cost of food and bills today and lack of statutory support is a nightmare for many.”

“Single parents get hit badly by taxes and bills; salaries do not go far.

“Younger family members have mentioned how they feel they could only have one child, because of the cost and pressures of modern life.”

Financial instability can lead to a cycle of poverty, where single parents struggle to make ends meet, leading to stress and anxiety.

British Desi single parents face many challenges as they navigate work and family life demands.

Cultural expectations, economic pressures and more contribute to the difficulties they encounter.

Nevertheless, it is also clear that single parents take joy and pride in their role as parents and the bond they have with their children.

Working single parents can overcome and successfully navigate challenges with the right support and resources.

Society must recognise and address the unique needs of this group to ensure that they have the opportunity to thrive at work and at home.