"it's important for us parents not to enable dependency"
In Desi families, multigenerational households are normal and culturally valued. It is common for adult children to live at home with their parents.
Indeed, this is the case for many British Asians from Pakistani, Indian and Bengali backgrounds.
Multiple factors shape this reality, such as socio-cultural factors, financial issues and familial obligations.
The 2021 Census highlighted that approximately 620,000 more grown-up children now live with their parents compared to a decade ago.
Having adult children live at home can be valuable; it can help maintain interpersonal and emotional relationships, for example.
Rozina, a 49-year-old British Pakistani with four adult children and a daughter-in-law living with her and her husband, stressed:
“It has good points as in the whole family living together, the hustle and bustle; it’s a lively household.
“We laugh, and there’s always someone to spend time with. And it’s easy to go have alone time in our rooms.
“Someone is always on hand.
“It’s cost-efficient, too, as everyone helps financially, so burdens are shared. Cooking, shopping, and bills are more manageable.”
However, this arrangement can also present challenges for adult children and parents.
For example, balancing different needs, desires, and traditional expectations with modern lifestyles is not easy.
Desi parents may face difficulties managing their needs while supporting adult children, creating complex family dynamics and tensions.
DESIblitz delves into the challenges British Desi parents can face when adult children live at home.
Financial Responsibility and Support
Living at home can be invaluable for adult children, helping them save money. However, it can be a double-edged sword for parents.
Supporting adult children in South Asian households often extends beyond one of support and can involve daily expenses.
Parents may fund higher education, contribute to weddings, support entrepreneurial ventures and more.
These commitments can significantly impact their financial stability, including their ability to retire or reduce their paid labour.
Moreover, it can be difficult to change dynamics when a child becomes an adult and when they are working.
Financial strain can lead to stress, and in some cases, parents may struggle to voice these challenges due to cultural expectations of parental sacrifice.
Anisa*, a 52-year-old British Pakistani, shared:
“When my son started to earn enough to help, it was a struggle.
“Unlike my daughters, he didn’t automatically help. Even getting his part of the council tax was a struggle.
“Every month, it would stress me out. Luckily, I had the girls and savings. He’d give it to me but late.
“Once he moved out and married, becoming financially responsible, he realised how hard it must have been for me.”
“Before, despite all I said, he was oblivious. In one ear and straight out the other.”
Anisa enjoys having her adult children live with her. Her daughters are still at home. However, she does caution:
“It can be hard to move from doing everything or a lot for your kids to treating them like adults.
“We do it out of love, but it’s important for us parents not to enable dependency. It shoots you in the foot and can cause headaches.
“Still, otherwise, I love it; there’s always company and someone to help.”
Changing Dynamics and Differing Lifestyles
Even after Desi children marry, it is common for them to reside within the parental home, but this can come with challenges. This further changes the relationships and living dynamics for all.
British Bengali Aisha* stated:
“When my son married, and daughter-in-law moved in, dynamics changed. We are all settled now, but it took time.
“We had to adapt a bit, and she did, too. What I do for my kids, I do for her.
“When she’s off work, she helps with cooking and housework, and so do my kids. There are no double standards.
“They are the younger generation; my values are slightly different.
“I can say something about wearing a scarf on the head, but that’s it. What she chooses to do outside the house is up to her and my son.”
It is important to note that not all Desi parents want to be living with adult children.
Fifty-four-year-old British Kashmiri Selina* has two sons, both of whom are married. She is a carer for her elderly mother and works:
“I was always under the impression that my sons would marry and may live with me for a short time but eventually move out, and I would live alone.
“My older son moved out the day he got married.
“When I’ve told other women of these plans, they have always said, ‘You shouldn’t live alone, that’s why you have children’, some said.
“Unfortunately, as times are very difficult, my [younger] son and his family are still living with me.”
“For our generation, we have the burden of elderly parents/in-laws to care for also. Most who still live old school.
“Our generation seems to accept change easier than our parents.
“My daughter-in-law is not expected to cook and clean for everyone as we were expected to, even though some of us had to work.
“Personally, I found it difficult to live with my son and his family as our lifestyles are very different.
“I prefer a slower-paced life, but a young family live with me.”
Dependency Issues and Fear of Not Growing Up
Some Desi parents are concerned that their adult children will not learn to stand on their own feet. Moreover, parents can be uncertain about how to change the status quo.
Faisal*, a 49-year-old father of six, has a high-earning job. All his children are adults and live with him, including his two married children, their spouses and four grandchildren:
“I’m proud that financially, I am able to support my family and have everyone under one roof.
“Me and the wife get to see our kids be parents, we get to see our grandchildren grow in front of us.
“The older I get, I do worry that some of my lot have no understanding of money and work.
“I’ve worked since I was 16. I wanted the kids to have it easier, but now I worry I went too far.”
“They don’t stay in jobs long, if at all. I easily support them, and there is plenty after I die. But if things went belly-up, I’m not sure if they could step up.
“Family would help, my brothers and sisters. But don’t want it to come to that, but not sure what to do. Wife thinks all will work out.”
Selina, in contrast to Faisal, always assumed and hoped her children would move out once married. She feels the risk of toxic dependency is high:
“The question is, are we making a more dependent adult by letting them live with us? I think we are.
“Of course, personal choice is important. Some live three generations in one home happily.
“Some sadly, due to not being able to buy a home or afford a rental property, have no choice.
“Key challenges are getting them to pay their way fairly money wise and household tasks.”
Selina ended with the statement: “I may be biased as my situation is not going well.”
Parents Expected to Put Personal Desires on Hold?
When adult children live with parents, children can take on caring for parents and other responsibilities.
However, it is also true that such living arrangements mean some Desi parents feel they have to continue to put their wants and needs to the side – or they feel they are expected to.
Indian Gujarati Maya*, aged 55, lives with her two adult sons, their wives and her husband:
“I like our home and having everyone together. We do things together but also separately.
“Once my children were grown, it meant it was time for my husband and I to enjoy life more.
“Explore and go on the holidays and trips we didn’t before. Some with our family, some just us two.
“We did have some older Asian people going to us, ‘Oh, you can’t leave your children and daughters-in-law alone for months. What if they need you?’
“They’re grown adults, and we’d be on the other end of a phone call or plane trip.
“Parenting also means knowing when to let go. Lead by example and ignore other’s judgements.”
For Selina, the lifestyle and things she wishes to do are prevented due to the responsibilities she faces.
Selina is still positioned as the primary caregiver and the adult who provides emotional and financial support to everyone.
Consequently, her life and choices are restricted by the support she has to give her son and his family as they live with her.
In her words: “With all of our responsibilities, we are unable to do what we would like with our lives.”
Desi parents are not just parents but humans with desires, aspirations, and needs that cannot be forgotten in multigenerational homes.
Some Desi parents’ inability to pursue their goals can lead to frustration and a sense of lost opportunity, impacting their quality of life and well-being.
There can be great value and richness found in the relationships and lives of a multigenerational household.
Such households can help reduce financial strain for all and ensure a strong support framework for each family member.
Moreover, being in such a home could help maintain strong relationships and aid with overall mental health and well-being. Yet the opposite can also be true.
Adult children living with their parents can present challenges for parents and children. Furthermore, such living arrangements are not always desired.
Socio-cultural norms, ideals and expectations should not trap Desi adult children or parents into feeling they must be obligated to follow such a living arrangement.
Nevertheless, the UK housing crisis, the cost of living, and rental prices mean that parents having adult children live with them can be a necessity.
It can be a choice shaped by wider socio-economic realities and not just a desire to live with family.
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