The Challenges British Asian Adults face when Living with Parents

In South Asian communities, it is common for children to live with their parents in adulthood.

Indeed, this has been an entrenched social norm within Desi families across Asia and the diaspora.

The financial challenges and realities people face in countries like Britain have further solidified such a norm.

The soaring price of food and bills, rental prices and the cost of mortgages mean more adults live with their parents in the UK.

The 2021 Census revealed that about 620,000 more grown-up children are now living with their parents compared to a decade ago.

Office of National Statistics data showed that in 2021, 22.4% had an adult child living at home, up from 21.2% in 2011.

While living with parents offers numerous benefits, it also presents challenges, affecting personal freedom and relationship dynamics.

DESIblitz explores the challenges of living with parents for British Asian adults from Pakistani, Bangladeshi and Indian backgrounds.

Cultural Expectations & Family Obligations

British Asian families often emphasise close-knit relationships and collective well-being.

This cultural framework means many adults continue living with their parents until marriage.

There is also a heavily gendered aspect to this – traditional South Asian households expect daughters to only move out once married.

It is deemed more acceptable for sons to fly the nest and explore. However, this has and continues to change.

The tradition of remaining in the parental home ensures familial support and care.

It is also valuable because it means parents have help in taking care of younger children in the household.

However, parental expectations within the home can lead to tension and unwanted responsibilities.

Kasim*, a 26-year-old British Bangladeshi, the oldest of five siblings, stated:

“Living with the family is great, but not so great sometimes. During Covid, it was a blessing. I wasn’t trapped alone in four walls.

“And I’m saving tons of cash. It’s a blessing, given the world we’re living in; I know people who don’t have the safety net I do.

“But I’m the oldest, so the parents expect me to be a parental figure to the younger ones.”

“If one of the younger ones mess up, dad’s like, ‘What have you been teaching them?’ or he says, ‘Where were you? Why didn’t you stop it?’

“Usually, I’m at work. What am I meant to do? Plus, I’m their brother. I don’t want to be their dad.

“I don’t mind looking after them when I’m home and doing things with them. Teaching them right from wrong as a brother, not a third parent.”

Reduction in Loneliness but Blurred Boundaries

Kasim’s words highlight that during Covid-19 and the lockdown, living within the parental home was invaluable for some in staving off loneliness.

Indeed, Reba*, a 34-year-old British Bangladeshi, told DESIblitz:

“Covid was a nice reminder, especially for Asian families. Reminded us of the blessing of having a large family and our type of family framework.

“One of the blessings of being in the parental home is having each other when you can’t go out. There was no such thing as loneliness.

“And during Covid, I remember seeing so many Asians living with their parents and siblings posting nonstop.

“Posting about ‘finally I got to this. Finally, I got to spend more time with my family and have fun’. That’s a tremendous blessing when thinking of the Covid lockdown, and generally.”

However, Shamima stressed that issues of privacy and independence can be a challenge when living with parents:

“The downside is the lack of privacy. Sometimes, it’s hard to establish boundaries and what boundaries are.

“It’s hard for them to see you as independent, compared to when children have moved out for years.”

“When you have daily contact, when you’re in each other’s every day, they don’t see you as an adult.

“Your mundane activities are constantly influenced, and your parents constantly want to input something. They don’t see you as truly grownup, and that can be quite crippling.

“It almost chains your wings, so you’re unable to fly. You can’t spread your wings as wide as you would want to spread them.”

For some, such as Reba, living at home with parents can stifle growth and independence as parents struggle to see their children as adults, therefore, creating tensions and challenges for both.

Tensions between being an Adult and Treated as a Child

For some British Asian adults, living with parents can lead to tensions due to parents not being able to view their children as grownups.

Aliyah*, a 32-year-old British Pakistani, recalled:

“The transition was hard. It took years for my Mum to see me as a proper adult. I’m the oldest, so I paved the way for my sister.

“Mum wanted me to be an adult, clean up and help financially where I could, which I was ok with.

“Yet, she wouldn’t give me any bills so I could learn to pay at the pay point or change a lightbulb because ‘I might do something wrong’.

“And things got tense when I went out and about. She didn’t get I shouldn’t need to ask permission.

“Yes, I knew to be thoughtful and ask if she and the family needed me for anything. But telling her exactly where I was going, why, and when I’d be home annoyed me.”

Aliyah felt there was a stark difference in the rules for her and her younger brother:

“My brother, younger by three years, would always just say going out with friends, that’s it. Me, she wanted an itinerary.

“He’d come home after midnight; she wouldn’t say anything.

“If I were late, even though I’d messaged, she’d say, ‘What will the neighbours think?’ or ‘Girls shouldn’t be out so late’. I get the safety concerns, but I’m as safe as possible.

“The news, rise in racism, and things don’t help. Whenever Mum sees a story, for days, it has her worrying more.

“She’ll lecture about safety more. I get it, but it’s also frustrating; I’m not dumb.”

The increase in racial tensions and concerns about gender-based violence and assaults can cause parents to become more protective.

Moreover, traditional gender ideals and expectations can result in parents treating adult sons and daughters differently.

Consequently, daughters can feel suffocated or restricted.

Aliyah continued: “We had some bad arguments, and I had to put my foot down, too.

“I let her know where I am so she doesn’t freak out. Thankfully, no more lectures when I’m out late, but she waits up.

“But not everyone is like that. Some of my Asian female friends have asked me why I update my Mum so much. They don’t. But it is what it is.”

For Aliyah, remaining at home meant actively disrupting and reshaping relationships with her mother. She had to do this to avoid being treated as a dependent child and gain independence.

Gender Differences in Attitudes & Expectations

Gendered differences in attitudes and expectations do not just relate to going out but also to household work.

Such differences can lead to challenges and tensions in relationships between parents, adult children, and siblings.

Reba is the oldest of six siblings. Within her home, her parents divided chores along gendered lines:

“The problem I had with my Mum was that she didn’t let the boys be too involved with the chores; they were to do outside stuff.

“We, the girls, had to do both, have jobs and work at home.”

“There are some families with no gender division; everyone has to contribute fairly and equally, and I think that’s the best way to do it.

“My parents certainly expect more from me and my sister.”

Reba went on to say: “Two of the brothers who now help around the house are more self-sufficient and can take care of themselves. They could go live alone, and they would be fine.

“The other two, who have never done it, would not survive independently. They’d be okay in every other way.

“But when it comes to cooking and shopping, they’d be in trouble – they can’t even crack an egg.

“I don’t think there’s a problem with children living with parents in adulthood.

“It’s just a matter of whether you can create space to be fair with each family member. There’s a need for fair rules and respect for boundaries.”

Where parents and families continue to divide work and duties along gendered lines, tensions can manifest.

There is a need for some Desi parents to reshape their thinking and actions.

Continuing to view adult children’s responsibilities along gendered lines is highly problematic; it sustains ideologies and practices of gender inequality.

Moreover, it hinders a person’s independence and self-reliance, as is the case for two of Reba’s brothers.

Having Friends & Partners Visit

Living with parents can present challenges when having friends and partners over for visits.

Alishba*, a 25-year-old British Indian, told DESIblitz:

“My parents know I’m dating; I’ve been with my boyfriend for three years. But they think of us as very ‘close friends’ until we’re married.

“They’ve spoken to him and met my male and female friends, but I can’t have my male friends or boyfriend over for dinner or a movie.

“The generation my parents are from, it’s not done. It means movie nights and stuff like that are done at my boyfriend’s flat or friends.”

Maya added: “Even when my girlfriends come over, we usually go to my room or the backroom for privacy.

“But usually, me and my friends who still live with parents go over to friends who have their own places. That way, my Mum doesn’t feel the need to cook and play host.

“Sometimes, we don’t want my parents or brothers to hear what’s being discussed. Or be involved in the conversations.”

Similarly, 24-year-old Maz* stressed:

“Nah, one or two mates have been over, but I’d never have the whole lot home. House isn’t massive.

“I got sisters, too. They’d be stuck in their rooms when they wanted solo or quiet time. And my Mum’s proper Asian; she’d want to clean and cook.

“We hang outside or go to the mates who have their own places.”

A lack of privacy in parental homes and not wanting parents to feel the need to “play host” can concern some Desi adults.

Moreover, living at home can force British Asian adult children to navigate the logistics of intimate relationships while not ruffling traditional parental ideals and views.

Living within the parental home as an adult can have immense emotional, social, and financial benefits. It can also be invaluable in helping maintain and strengthen family bonds.

However, it is also clear it can bring challenges and tensions.

Negotiating and reshaping relationships and expectations can facilitate independence, respectable boundaries, and healthy relationships between parents and adult children.