Talking about sex is very awkward for us. What can we do about this?
The subject of sex can be daunting to approach with your partner. Especially for British Asian women. The thought and fear of being labelled as being ‘too forward’ or ‘sexually promiscuous’ can be a genuine concern. However, if either of you don’t learn to communicate honestly about your sex life, both of you risk feeling unsatisfied which will inevitably put an added strain on your relationship.
Remember, sex is universal. Where ever you are from in the world and no matter your age, gender or religious/cultural background, sex and communication is something we all have to tackle to achieve happy and healthy relationships.
Talking to your closest friends about your sex life does help to a certain extent, but if you never get to speak to your partner directly about any issues you may have, ultimately, nothing will get resolved.
First, think about what it is you want to say. Be clear about this in your mind. This will help you start the conversation, even if it is a brief one at first. Try not to assume how your partner is going to respond because that can generate more anxiety.
Think about your timing. When is your partner most relaxed and comfortable? When are you relaxed and comfortable? Trying to talk about sex when either one of you are busy or have things to do may give your partner an easy way of avoiding the topic.
Obviously, choose a private time and space where you know you won’t be disturbed by family or extended family. This will help both of you to feel settled and at ease.
Try your best to speak your point confidently. A nervous mumble will no doubt make your partner feel awkward and could encourage a similar nervous, awkward or even an annoyed response.
Always use positive language.
For example, instead of saying “I’m not happy with how rarely/frequently we have sex” try saying “Can we talk about how rarely/frequently we have sex? I want us both to be happy” or, instead of “I don’t like it when you……” you could say “I really like it when you ……. But not so much when you……”
If you have had an arranged marriage, then getting to know your partner is a journey and on that journey communication related to sex can be a challenge but it is needed. Sex can really help you to connect with your partner so starting to broach the situation sooner rather than later will benefit you both in the long run.
Whether you are in an arranged marriage or love marriage or relationship, becoming intimate (and confident) with your partner is a learning curve for both of you. Guessing what your partner wants or needs isn’t going to bring you closer. Neither will be suppressing your true feelings for years on end.
Communicating about your sex life will strengthen your relationship and help both of you become more satisfied in the bedroom. This will, in turn, have a very positive effect on your union as a couple.
Rachael McCoy is an award-winning sex and relationship coach with a friendly, approachable, candid style of teaching which makes her clients feel relaxed and completely able to trust her. She provides 1:1 coaching for singles, couples and group master classes to inspire better sex and relationships. She can be reached on Twitter as @Rachael_ISxpert.
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