Do South Asians Ever Face Pressure to Remarry?

Often, conversations are on the taboo nature of Desi women remarrying in contrast to men. However, what about the pressure to remarry?

South Asian cultures position marriage as a societal expectation and norm.

It is assumed that marriage and the children from the union are milestones everyone wants.

But remarriage, especially for Desi women, can be shrouded in tension, societal judgment and unease.

Divorce, while more common, is still frowned upon, particularly for women.

Desi men face far less sociocultural stigma, and remarriage for men has traditionally been seen as the norm.

When divorce or widowhood occurs for Desi women from backgrounds like Pakistani, Indian and Bengali, there has traditionally been a taboo around remarrying.

Yet, is this always the case? Can women face pressure to remarry, and what about Desi men?

DESIblitz explores whether South Asians ever face pressure to remarry and the dynamics involved.

Pressure to Remarry for Social Standing and Family Approval

Even as taboos exist, specifically for women, remarriage is becoming more common among some Desi communities and families.

Yet what is often not considered is whether pressure to remarry can manifest for South Asian individuals.

The family plays a pivotal role in the pressures of marriage and remarriage faced by South Asians.

Families are often deeply involved in Desi men’s and women’s decisions.

The judgement can be profound when a person makes marital decisions that go against family or community expectations.

If the marriage does not work out, a person can face pressure to remarry the family’s choice.

British Bengali Aliyah* revealed:

“It’s like a double-edged sword. Women, if they have kids or it’s their third marriage, or they’re older, will face loud whispers for remarrying.

“But if you marry outside your culture without approval like me, the pressure to remarry is almost instant.”

“My son was nine months old when my husband and I separated permanently. No official English divorce, and still, my parents and even younger sister were at me to think about remarrying.

“They disapproved of the first marriage and think my son and I need a man. Son is now two.

“I moved out of their house because they wouldn’t stop. They don’t hear me and keep sending me [marriage] CVs.

“All prospective husbands are Bengalis, of course.

“For them, remarrying will wipe off some of the shame.

“At least for them, it will wipe off some of the shame they feel over my choice and its failure.

“I’d have my parent’s approval, and they’d be happy, but what about me and my son? We wouldn’t be.”

Aliyah expressed hurt and frustration as the pressure she feels from her family remains acute.

The pressure led to her leaving the family home when she needed their daily support. Aliyah left as she felt she “would go mad and say something harsh” if she stayed.

Pressure to Remarry to Have Children?

Desi women can face pressure to remarry due to societal expectations and ideals of motherhood.

Traditionally, society links marriage to having children, and women without children may face scrutiny and judgement.

Families may view remarriage as a solution for women to fulfil the “natural” role of motherhood, regardless of personal desires.

Consider the words of British Indian Gujarati Meeta*:

“My family think children are vital, especially my mother.

“Two years I’ve been divorced, and she’s been pushing for me to remarry before I’m ‘too old to have children’.”

“I’m 31, and not even sure if I want any. I have plenty of nieces and nephews, but there’s no hole in not having my own.

“I didn’t expect to be divorced; we were raised to think that marriage and children are what we want.

“But now I’m here. Financially stable myself, travelling and doing what I want, I’m happy.”

Meeta’s story underscores the deep cultural ties between marriage, motherhood, and societal expectations in South Asian communities.

Her family’s, primarily her mother’s, focus on her remarrying to have children highlights how traditional ideals can try to overshadow women’s autonomy.

The pressure to remarry can disregard individual aspirations and desires.

Challenging these norms requires fostering conversations prioritising personal agency and redefining fulfilment beyond conventional expectations.

Is Remarriage Seen as a Way to Move Forward?

South Asian families can view remarriage as a way to move on and begin again. However, it is not a solution to problems, remarrying does not erase the past.

Pressure can manifest and, for some, highlights the obsession Desi communities can have with the idea of marriage.

A recently divorced friend is being pressured to get married again. Previous marriage was abusive. At least wait for her to overcome the trauma, but nope. Family wants a medal for being progressive and “allowing” her to marry again. ? Our society is obsessed with marriage.?

— Sheetal Sakpal (@sheetal_bsakpal) November 13, 2021

Moreover, Khalid* told DESIblitz:

“My parents and grandparents kept saying that getting remarried would help me move on; this was only a few months after the divorce.

“I still hadn’t got my head sorted, was secretly dealing with depression and trying to get visitation with my son.

“They didn’t get it; they thought I needed a woman to take care of the house and to wipe the first marriage from my memory.

“The subtle comments about remarrying got not-so-subtle and added pressure I didn’t need.”

“I didn’t cave, but I have mates who did. Some were ok; they were emotionally ready. Others remarried too soon and it didn’t help them move on; they’re in another mess.”

Sheetal and Khalid’s words show that a family’s encouragement to remarry can blur the line between support and unwelcome pressure.

While often caring in intent, such pressure may disregard individual circumstances, emotional readiness, and the complexities of dealing with loss and trauma.

Gender Dynamics in the Matter of Remarriage

Patriarchal ideals and gender dynamics also frame how remarriage is seen.

Desi women and men can face pressure to remarry. Yet the rules around remarriage for men and women can be seen as different.

Women can face judgement if they remarry too much if they remarry when they already have children, or if they are deemed too old to remarry.

British Indian Adam* asserted:

“Asian guys more than women are expected to remarry. If they do it more than twice, they have way less judgment than women, although some might gossip.

“Seen it in my own family; guys have it easier. No one blinks at the idea of guys remarrying.”

“Women face different rules; it depends on their situation. I have female cousins praised for not remarrying and focusing on caring for their kids.

“But then other female cousins divorced with no kids, and one with a kid told they should remarry; it’s a weird one.”

Adam’s words highlight the double standards in remarriage expectations, where gender can heavily influence societal judgment and family pressure.

Men are encouraged to remarry for stability, while women face conflicting expectations tied to honour, motherhood, and societal approval.

Addressing these disparities requires dismantling patriarchal norms and fostering equality in how remarriage is perceived.

Moreover, 52-year-old Pakistani Nazia* said:

“When I divorced at 46 with three children, two of who were adults, my family didn’t mention remarriage.

“Yet they kept speaking about ‘when my ex would remarry’. It was assumed he would. Me, no, because I had kids and was not a young girl.

“When I said I wanted to remarry at 49, many were shocked. Culturally, it made them uncomfortable, but Islamically, remarriage is encouraged.

“I am a woman. Like a man, I wanted companionship. That made them squirm.

“Remarried, and there are still whispers, but I do not care. But not everyone is like me.”

Nazia’s experience highlights the gendered double standards surrounding remarriage, where older women are judged for seeking companionship.

The discomfort with women remarrying reflects deep-rooted cultural biases that minimise and conceal women’s needs and desires.

Progressive Attitudes or Ongoing Idealisation of Marriage?

Attitudes and ideas about remarriage in South Asian communities reveal contradictions.

Some Desi women receive encouragement and pressure, while others face significant resistance and disapproval.

Society typically encourages men to remarry after divorce or widowhood, emphasising their need for familial stability, care and support.

Conversely, Desi societies often discourage women, especially older women and those with children, from remarrying.

Yet families may encourage remarriage for younger women, citing the need for children and a male protector.

Desi communities and families can see remarriage as practical for men, restoring domestic balance.

For women, society and the family can judge remarriage through the lens of morality and honour.

These contradictions reflect a tension between evolving cultural values and deeply entrenched patriarchal expectations.

This duality creates an uneven landscape, where some celebrate remarriage while others discourage it, particularly for women.

It is also apparent that while remarriage for women can be frowned upon, Desi men and women can face pressure to remarry.

The pressure to remarry among some South Asians reflects the deep idealisation of marriage and the entrenchment of sociocultural expectations.

Some frame remarriage as a way to move on and regain stability, social standing, and familial respect.

There is a need to reframe how marriage is perceived within South Asian communities. It is not the solution to problems or essential for happiness.

South Asians who choose not to marry or remarry can also lead fulfilling lives.

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