The South Asian Cultural Silence on Female Sexual Pleasure

DESIblitz delves into the South Asian cultural silence and discomfort that exists around female sexual pleasure.

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Female sexual pleasure and the issue of women’s natural desires remain pushed into the darkest shadows in South Asian cultures.

Why does the idea of women enjoying sex and having and wanting orgasms lead to discomfort and unease?

Ancient texts like the Kama Sutra celebrate sexuality and sexual pleasure for men and women.

Moreover, religions like Islam assert that female sexual desires are not problematic. Instead, a husband must fulfil his wife’s needs.

Yet today, the policing and repression of female sexuality remain prominent. Women’s sexual pleasure can be viewed as dangerous, problematic and dishonourable.

Indeed, when it comes to sex and feelings of pleasure, as writer Seema Anand asserted:

“At every age, this has so been fed into our brain that it’s bad, it’s a dirty thing.”

Thus, for Desi girls and women from, for example, Indian, Pakistani, and Bengali backgrounds, thinking about, understanding and asking questions about sexual pleasure remain taboo.

The cultural silence around female sexual pleasure and its naturalness is infused with acute discomfort.

This silence has far-reaching consequences for women’s autonomy, sensuality, confidence, health, and well-being.

DESIblitz delves into the cultural silence and discomfort around female sexual pleasure.

Issues of Honour and Morality

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In South Asian societies, female sexuality and chastity are linked with ideas of family honour and morality.

In many cases, this has led to a suppression of women’s sexual agency. It has also meant the positioning of ‘good’ women as asexual.

Both married and unmarried women face cultural silence and a lack of recognition of their desires.

The cultural silence has also led to a general lack of knowledge about the body and pleasure, which can lead to deep frustration.

Pre-colonial South Asia offered a more nuanced view of sexuality and sexual pleasure.

Ancient texts like the Kama Sutra and ancient Indian temple art depict female pleasure as normal and sexual relations integral to a fulfilling life.

However, these norms and ideals were gradually replaced.

Replaced by patriarchal and conservative ideals and expectations, shifting focus to female submission.

The British colonial period introduced Victorian ideals of modesty and morality, which vilified open conversations about sexuality.

Colonisers labelled South Asian sexual openness and expression as immoral and deviant. Therefore, they sought to replace it with their restrictive norms.

The language surrounding female sexuality became laden with negative connotations, which reinforced the idea that women’s desires should be hidden or suppressed.

All this led to cultural suppression of indigenous ideals and norms around sex, sexuality and female sexual pleasure.

Openness and joy were replaced with feelings of disgust, shame and guilt.

The policing of women’s bodies and desires further silenced women’s voices on pleasure. The consequences of this are still felt today.

Gendered Double Standards

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Both within Desi societies and more broadly, there is a gendered double standard when it comes to sex and sexual pleasure.

Gendered double standards normalise and prioritise male sexual needs and enjoyment while marginalising and silencing female desires.

The idealisation of motherhood and domesticity also frames ‘good’ women as not being sexual beings.

British Pakistani Toslima* said: “We all grow up hearing how it’s normal for guys to think about sex and masturbate.

“Dead silence when it comes to us women. No one talks about the needs that build.

“No one says that desire is equally normal for us.

“Men need to enjoy for sperm to release, not the same thing with women. But we’re still made to be able to orgasm, just not tied to procreation.

“For so long, I thought religiously and morally sexual satisfaction and wanting things was a no as a woman.

“Then I started reading and realised religion is more freeing; culture and society cage.

“The silence… it cages us, makes our desires and bodies feel alien and gross.”

Toslima’s words highlight that the lack of open dialogue about female desire silences women and stifles their autonomy over their own bodies and sexual identities.

The cultural silence contributes to the broader societal narrative that women’s sexual pleasure is secondary or non-existent.

Women are frequently expected to adhere to strict codes of modesty, which leaves little room for them to express their sexual agency or explore their own pleasure.

This perpetuates feelings of shame and guilt around female sexuality and reinforces gender inequality.

It maintains the idea that women’s bodies and desires exist solely for the satisfaction of others rather than for their own fulfilment.

Impact of Silence and the Taboo on Women

The cultural silence and taboo around female sexual pleasure create barriers to intimacy and enjoyment of sex. It can thus impact relationships.

Shame and a lack of information prevent many women from understanding their bodies and leave them feeling psychologically distressed.

The taboo can contribute to relationship and marital dissatisfaction and mental health struggles.

Zeenath*, an Indian currently in the US, asserted:

“For so long, I was faking orgasms while intimate because I thought there was something wrong with me.

“It caused me stress in ways I can’t describe.”

“It wasn’t until my current partner I realised that me and my ex knew nothing about my needs, women’s bodies.

“We had no idea about what my body needed to reach orgasm, which can be easy for men.

“Part of the reason men can have it easy is because everyone grows up thinking it’s normal for men. They don’t have the mental block we women can have.

“We had no clue about how women get off. Even alone, I couldn’t until the age of 30.

“My partner opened my eyes and encouraged me to explore and not be embarrassed.”

Breaking the cultural silence and stigma is essential for empowering women to understand and enjoy their sexuality and intimacy. It is also key for fostering healthier relationships.

The need to Break the Cultural Silence and Taboo

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There is resistance and negotiation taking place as women attempt to achieve a degree of sexual agency. However, cultural silences and taboos persist.

British Bengali Shamima said: “I know there have been plays, websites and articles, but women’s needs are still a red zone.

“People get freaked out about sex and orgasms when it’s women enjoying. The cultural taboo is deep.

“My mum had no clue and wouldn’t speak to me. She was massively uncomfortable.

“When I mentioned in passing women liking sex, she looked at me like I was an alien. That zipped me up for ages.

“I had to force myself to ask my husband questions. It made me feel sick at first.

“We women need to speak to each other and partners to each other. And we need to create a world where men and women see women’s needs and orgasms as good.

“I had to unlearn the idea that me having and wanting satisfaction and telling my husband was bad.”

Combating the taboo and cultural silence surrounding female sexual pleasure and sexuality that is so pervasive in Desi cultures will take time.

Such silence carries a potent message that women’s bodies and desires are problematic, creating feelings of unease, shame and guilt.

It also means women can find themselves feeling alienated from their own bodies and natural desires.

Efforts to reclaim female sexual pleasure are emerging through education and activism.

Platforms like Brown Girl Magazine and Soul Sutras, along with South Asian sexual health organisations, are fostering dialogue.

There is a need to reclaim cultural narratives, foster education, and challenge ideals and norms that demonise female sexuality and sexual pleasure.

Breaking cultural silences will help empower South Asian women and help dismantle the shame and taboo around women’s bodies and sensuality.

Do South Asian cultures stigmatise female sexual desires?

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Somia is our content editor and writer who has a focus on lifestyle and social stigmas. She enjoys exploring controversial topics. Her motto is: "It's better to regret what you have done than what you haven't."

*Names have been changed for anonymity





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