With British Asian women becoming more independent and sexually confident, is revealing her sexual past to a date or husband a problem? DESIblitz explores.
“Why can’t Asian men accept women do have sex before marriage too?”
A group of British Asian friends were discussing marriage and expectations, when the question of sexual past of Asian women crept into the conversation.
Sameena, a business student, said:
“I think British Asian men find it hard to accept a woman who’s had past sexual relationships.”
“So, if you want to marry within your community it’s best not reveal your wild side.”
“I have to say I did not agree or believe this until I got married. I then realised it was best not tell him about my sexual past,” said Anita, a city banker.
“Why can’t Asian men accept women do have sex before marriage too?”
Sunny, a male lawyer said:
“As a guy I would say that it all depends on how many relationships she’s had.”
Reena, a student, said:
“See that’s exactly it! Why does it matter? If a man can have as many relationships as they want why can’t a woman? Why is the number a judgmental point?”
Manish, a young dentist, said:
“Women who reveal their sexual relationships like this can introduce doubt into the man’s mind about her fidelity. So, trust is tampered with even if she is just being up-front.”
Manoj, revealed his thoughts:
“I wouldn’t tell my future wife about my sexual past. I’d rather start fresh and not want to know her past.”
Sameena then highlighted a key point:
“The problem is an Asian guy can sleep around and do what he wants but he still wants the so called ‘virgin’ bride. He can’t cope with a woman who is sexually confident and independant.”
Reena, laughingly added:
“Imagine saying to him you want a threesome!”
They all laughed and conversation continued to debate the point.
This conversation triggers the question about the implications of an Asian woman revealing her sexual history.
Here are some Asian society and relationship challenges that could be affected by such a revelation.
In a culture, where women who are divorced still find it hard to re-marry how does revealing a sexual past affect the chances of having a new trusting and happy relationship?
Most British Asian men and women would agree that dating does not necessarily mean it is going to lead to marriage. But if the during the date, she reveals her sexual past, does that impair her chances of marriage?
Asian men are often accused of having double standards. Because it’s okay for the guy to have had sex as he wants but not the woman.
If an Asian woman has had sexual relationships, the chances are she will be seen as ‘easy’ and not a contender for a serious relationship. Although she might have had less partners than the man!
She is perceived as the girl you would just date, have sexual fun with but definitely not introduce to the family for marriage.
The common trait of British Asian men having many sexual relationships with women but then finding a marriage partner from the homeland still happens.
But sex and porn are not as taboo as once upon a time in India, as our article on Porn and Indian Women unveils.
So, how does the Asian man cope with the homeland ‘bride’ who is sexually confident?
Although, this does not apply to all but for an Asian women looking at revealing her sexual history with marriage in mind, it is important to weigh up how it will be reflected upon on her and the future of a relationship.
If after knowing, the man decides to share the information with others, like family members, there is the huge danger of a tarnished reputation and family rejection.
Conditioning of Asian Men
Is it that the British Asian women who are educated, financially independent, strong-willed and also sexually confident, seen as ‘scary’ for the Asian man?
According to the website badassyoungmen.com:
‘Men have been conditioned to believe that sex is a test of their skill in pleasing a woman but not of a woman’s skill in pleasing a man.’
This ‘conditioning’ most likely multiplied hundreds of times for Asian men and is automatically programmed into them culturally.
Asian Men are usually brought up to be ‘men’ culture wise and tend to follow family roots. Mostly in home environments where women play a very supportive but not lead role.
Therefore, an Asian woman revealing her sexual past can really challenge this ‘conditioning’.
Insecurities are a major reason why a relationship can be imbalanced.
For British Asians, insecurities can even be triggered from a text message in a relationship.
Insecurity is dominated by fear in relationships. The fear of loss, not being good enough, being dumped for someone better and living in the ‘uncertain’.
Asian men can have insecurities which are mostly of a masculinity and status nature from not being physically strong enough to not having a big salary job to sexual competency.
So, if an Asian women reveals her sexual past then it’s possible that it could instigate insecurity issues in an Asian man.
Leading to secret sexual comparisons such as being better at sex than her ex(es), having a good body, being better endowed, giving better orgasms and so on.
So, if she is not bothered or compares herself, it’s better she tells him before revealing her sexual history. Reassuring him that he is unique to her.
Jealousy also plays a huge role in Asian relationships. It can easily damage relationships through doubt.
From Innocent flirting to often talking about another guy at work or college can lead to huge rages of jealousy in Asian men. Even leading to suspicion and mistrust.
This happens vice-versa too but for Asian women to be doing it, it seems to be a bigger social issue.
Many Asian women would argue that they are doing nothing wrong and he has to accept that she can freely talk and be in the company of other men.
Completely acceptable in today’s society but not so easy to accept in the traditional Asian communities.
An Asian woman revealing her sexual past to a jealous partner will definitely lead to problems in the relationship, if not immediately, but later on, during arguments or misunderstandings.
One way to view it is, if as an Asian woman you are also the jealous type, then he surely will not be open to knowing about your sexual past.
Sexual Past Details
If an Asian woman reveals her sexual past then the amount of details she shares need attention.
As with any sexual information about a relationship, once you tell, it is likely you will get further questions from your partner. Because by nature, he will want to know as much as possible – so that he can weigh up what the past meant to you and if he is better.
This is where the decision to tell more or less can impact a relationship.
One rule is never to reveal intimacy in huge details. Especially, if an ex is around in some capacity. Otherwise, it will develop into huge suspicion that there is still something between you.
If the Asian woman tells lots about past sexual relationships, chances are whenever something goes wrong in the current relationship, he will begin to think you are cheating, that you are looking elsewhere or he is not good enough for you.
So, it is important to know what can be handled. Less is always more unless you are sure.
Overall, if you are in a respectful and balanced relationship where sex is easily discussed. Then, revealing your sexual past as an Asian woman should not hinder or affect the understanding and love you have as a couple and individuals.
Trust, respect, appreciation, understanding and not comparing the past to the present, are all attributes for a strong forward moving relationship. Sex plays an associative role in all of these. So, revealing any kind of sexual information must be fully assured by these.
However, if this is not the case, then it is important for the sake of the relationship you are are in or about to start like a marriage, that as an Asian woman you need to fully understand the implications of revealing your sexual past – for better or for worse.
Indian cricketer Yuvraj Singh and actress Hazel Keech are set to marry in late November after announcing their engagement in November 2015.