"If a girl truly loves her guy, it won't matter her if he's a virgin or not."
Virginity for Desi people today is not the end and be all of what it once was when it comes to marriage. As modern values progress the acceptance of having a non-virgin partner with a sexual past is slowly changing.
We know that there are still many Desi men who would prefer a virgin bride. But how easy is it for a Desi woman to accept a guy with a sexual past?
The guess is that there are most likely more Desi men who are not virgins before they marry compared to women. Thus, indicating that the Desi woman has to face the acceptance more than the man.
Besides, how easy would be in an arranged marriage? How could you tell that the man is a virgin or not? Unless you ask. And asking a question about sexual past in an arranged marriage meeting would really be a bold move, albeit an interesting one.
In the days of real arranged marriages, two people were guaranteed a partner through family relations and relatives. Most matches were made when the partners were children. Therefore, aiming to ensure both parties were virgins when they married.
Today, as western lifestyles are being adopted in countries like India, apart from the rural and tribal areas, being a virgin in the metros and cities is perhaps a personal choice now rather than once a mandatory one, governed by family.
So, it is hard or easy to accept a guy with a sexual history?
On an online discussion, Indian women had very interesting views and opinions on the question.
Those accepting tended to be either cautious or completely care-free about the matter.
20-year-old Simran Gupta, says:
“If a girl truly loves her guy, it won’t matter her if he’s a virgin or not. The only that will matter her is he should not repeat it again, at any cost. And he should now, stay loyal to the one he married.”
Another woman, who herself is a virgin says:
“Every girl will have a different opinion on this. But I would prefer a non-virgin guy. I would, in fact, prefer a well-experienced guy. I am a virgin by the way.”
A woman who accepted finding a guy without sexual past would not be easy says:
“I accepted the fact during my school years that very rarely will there be guys or girls who would be virgins by the time they get married.”
Someone who feels Desi women are stronger and not judgemental like Indian men, says:
“Indian women are generous enough and are not narrow-minded as Indian males are. Because Indian males may find it offensive to marry a woman, who is not a virgin.”
But then there are some who are not happy and find it hard to accept that the guy with a sexual past.
A woman who had a modern arranged marriage began to find out through their pre-marriage meetings that he was not a virgin.
“On pestering a lot, he told me about his past affair and he had sex many times with his ex but she is married now. They both did it just for enjoyment (friends with benefits). I was shattered to the core and couldn’t accept why this happened to me. I had already fallen in love with him. I stopped talking to him but he came to me and cried saying he also loves me a lot and can’t afford to lose me.”
“Somehow I tried to convince myself that it’s a matter of past and he has been honest. Still the fact that I deserve someone better who should be a virgin haunted me.”
“After some time I couldn’t take it anymore and called off my wedding”.
Demonstrating that not every Desi woman is as accepting as it seems.
Because it does matter and makes a huge difference to those who feel perhaps cheated because they themselves are still a virgin.
Zara Shah aged 22 says:
“Being a virgin myself, I feel it is important to find someone on the same level. Sex plays an important part of married life and to share it with someone who is a virgin too, I feel can lead to a stronger and more fulfilling relationship overall. At least your mind will not wander about his past.”
Salina Kumari, who is supportive of marrying a virgin guy says:
“I respect virgin men more than virgin women because they are not doing it to submit to societal pressures and in fact, they are fighting unrealistic male norms (like men should have plenty of sex and do anything to experience it with a girl). Most virgin men I know have healthy attitudes toward sex and they themselves are sexy. “
In countries like the UK, where arranged marriages still take place and the trend towards love marriages grows, finding a non-virgin guy is probably going to be far more difficult.
Many British Asian men will have had previous relationships (and today, women too) and to make the choice over virginity may be sound very old-fashioned and orthodox.
But to those who still hold onto their values and beliefs, it is only fair they do have the choice. However, the prospects are gradually diminishing.
Tina Kullar, a 19 year-old-student, says:
“I would love to marry a virgin guy like myself. But I know most guys from my generation will have had relationships. So, the journey is going to be an interesting one for me.”
Seema Ahuja, aged 22, says:
“I know that my grandparent’s generation valued virginity highly. But today in the UK it will only be valuable if I happen to meet a guy who has strong views and values on it too.”
Jasmin Choudhary, aged 23, says:
“I know finding a non-virgin is going to be almost impossible. So, I will need to make sure that I do not pry into his past. Because if I do, it will be my insecurities that will let me down. Not his loss of virginity, which is a sexual past that I was not part of.”
For most Desi women accepting a non-virgin guy is going to be acceptance of his past. And therefore, if you live in the here and now, and future, him being a virgin or not will not matter.
But there will be those women who will find it hard marry and be with a guy who has had many sexual relationships because their mind will wander and be curious. Therefore, implying that it may be better to not ask and delve too much into a guy’s past.
Either way, the virginity debate will continue amongst South Asian communities because of its own relevance from the past but it may well change due to more and more Desi women deciding not to be virgins anymore before marriage, and themselves also having a sexual past.