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  • Sex Help: As a Woman, how do I ‘Dirty Talk’ in the Bedroom

    Talking dirty in a relationship can enhance sexual pleasure. But how does a woman do dirty talk? Our Sexpert Rima Hawkins provides some useful tips.

    Sex Help: As a Woman, how do I 'Dirty Talk' in the Bedroom

    As a Woman, how do I ‘Dirty Talk’ in the Bedroom?

    Most people don’t like having quiet or even silent sex. It’s a complete turn-off and a recipe for a very dull sex life. So, adding some dirty talk to your sex life can add excitement, especially, if it comes from the woman.

    Some partners like to be dominated by words. A strong vocal girl can be very hot and a huge turn-on!

    But you need to go on a journey of discovery with your partner to find out what works and what does not.

    If you suddenly start talking dirty to your partner and are being extremely explicit, then there is a chance that they are going to get a little freaked out, especially if it’s the last thing that they would normally expect from you.

    It’s a much better idea to slowly introduce dirty talk that is not too extreme or explicit. Start slowly and build up to the more intense and erotic talk.

    Where do you start?

    Begin in the bedroom. You will find that it’s easiest and most natural to introduce dirty talk in the bedroom or when you are both alone. This way there is far less pressure.

    Once you get comfortable talking dirty to your partner in private, then start experimenting elsewhere. There’s nothing more exciting than seeing your partner’s reaction when you lean in and whisper something filthy in their ear while you’re both out and about!

    Quite often we forget to consciously use all our senses when we have sex.

    Talking dirty helps arousal or maintaining sexual intensity before or during sex, using our hearing and imagination. It is not so different from using our other senses such as when reading something sexy or seeing a sexually arousing picture.

    Some lovers like noises of satisfaction from the other partner during sex. Hearing and talking can be very arousing but clearly, the contents need to be sexually appealing.

    Build sexual tension, which is by far the most powerful benefit of talking dirty to your partner increasing the sexual tension between you and them.

    Sexual tension is the core building block of having a passionate, enjoyable relationship with a partner you’re deeply attracted to. It is the key. It’s that magical feeling that keeps the desire for each other alive, wanting to be physically close and being completely aroused.

    Talk dirty to your partner and you will be introducing an absolute way to build sexual tension. 

    To build the tension you can say what you’d like them to do or you would like to do to them, but say it in detail and be descriptive.

    Is it a special skill?

    Talking dirty is a skill, which most men are comfortable doing to turn on their partner or spice things up in the bedroom. Women in most cultures and through generations are taught that talking dirty or using slang or swearing is undignified.

    So how does a woman suddenly throw away their core values and beliefs and start talking dirty to their sexual partners? Many lesbian woman would say it is a natural and part of sexual intimacy.

    Even men don’t find it easy it seems. Why? Because there’s a fine line between dirty talk and disgusting talk, and it’s hard to find a balance. Women have associations with certain sexual words that men don’t understand. 

    Sometimes men may get turned on by saying things which are degrading and humiliating, which some women may find unnerving. There’s no right or wrong way to do it because every relationship is different and every person likes different things.

    What do you say?

    Women prefer to have their name called. Maybe men would like their names called too. It is trial and error. Some men may associate this with their mother calling which can be off putting but it can also be a turn on! So, you will need to experiment.

    Women can try finding out what their partner calls their genital parts. Do they have a name for it which may be sensual rather than hardcore words you may hear and see in porn.

    Words that may have derogatory meanings may need to be thought through before using them.

    Telling your partner they are sexy can be a real turn on. It strokes their ego and immediately makes the partner want to do something to make the partner feel the same way.

    Most people have pride in how they look and their body shape. Some people are particularly sensitive about their body shape. If you are aware of this don’t comment on their body or look but that they are sexy and turn you on.

    If your partner is talking to arouse you and themselves and you are finding it unromantic or unsexy, don’t tell them ‘to be quiet’ or ‘shut up’. That will make them retract or even feel annoyed and may not show it. Instead, ask them to use their senses to feel the closeness and enjoy the experience.

    If you are enjoying it, tell them to carry on doing it to you. Tell your partner in detail, describing the fantasy and the reality of the sexual actions you are feeling. Be expressive. Nothing makes a partner feel better than hearing you want them to keep doing it. It means you are feeling satisfied and turned on by it.

    Responding to your partner with dirty talk can heighten the pleasure for both of you. If you stay quiet, they may think you are not enjoying what they are doing to you.

    Whispering, moaning and saying words or phrases will be sexually appealing and arousing. They can even be in a Desi language if English is not the only language you speak.

    Don’t tell your partner what they are doing wrong, just show them what to do whilst talking dirty. Use words and phrases you are comfortable with to build up the sexual tension, talk dirty to make sex intense and tell them how good they were after, to keep them enchanted.

    Example phrases for a woman may include:

    • What do you feel like doing to me?
    • You can have me any way you want me baby
    • I can’t wait to taste you on my lips
    • Mmm… you taste so good baby
    • That feels amazing baby
    • Oh yes! Take me! Don’t stop!
    • I totally love what you’re doing to me right now
    • Tell me how much you love it when I …
    • You have such a perfect …..
    • I’m getting close.. Keep going..

    If you are looking for specific phrases you can get lots of ideas by searching the Internet. 

    Rima Hawkins is a professionally trained Sex and Relationship therapist for individuals and couples working privately in London. Rima has worked in the NHS for 24 years and is a Relate Therapist. Information about her services is available on her website.

    Do you have a Sex Help question for our Sex expert? Please use the form below and send it to us.

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    Rima Hawkins is a practising London-based British-Asian bilingual Sex and Relationship Therapist with a special interest in intercultural relationships and female sexual issues. Her motto: 'Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love.' ~ Woody Allen

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