Marrying a Desi Divorced Woman with Children

Let’s say Raj an outgoing single Desi guy, meets Sunita at a party.

Raj really like Sunita, they exchange numbers and get to know each other.

Subsequently, Sunita tells Raj she is a divorced woman and has two children, a son and daughter.

Raj still likes Sunita and they enjoy each others company and have loads in common.

Their relationship flourishes into love and both of them look at the prospect of marrying.

But Raj does not know what to expect when it comes to Sunita’s kids.

Sunita feels it is time to introduce Raj to her children. He meets her son aged 11, and daughter aged 14.

Raj now knows this marriage will not be just about Sunita anymore. Also, he has not yet told his family about his plans either.

So, what will happen next?

At this point many questions arise and challenges present themselves for the man choosing a relationship which is not just about two people but actually about being part of an existing family.

It is also a relationship which has to fight the stigma in Desi culture about marrying a divorced woman, especially with children.

For a single Desi man, this can manifest into concerns and emotions which need to be dealt with before committing into such a relationship.

These include:

• One or both sides of the family may or may not accept the marriage.
• If she is of a different background, the acceptance may become even harder.
• Realising that family and relatives may accept the marriage on the surface but there still will be the ‘why did he not find a single girl’ question lurking somewhere.
• Knowing someone in the family will never accept your decision, be heartbroken and may lose contact with you.
• Remembering your partner is a mother first and then everything else.
• Taking on another man’s children and living with the difference.
• If the children still see their real dad, understanding that they will never see you as a real father.
• Accepting the role of the male figure in the household but without full authority.
• Being part of your partner’s happiness means building a positive relationship with the children.
• Acknowledging your love for her and her love for you is strong enough to meet the demands of married life with her children.
• Her children may get to like you, like you or hate you, depending on their age and emotions.
• Realising that any major decisions will always involve the welfare of the children.
• Accepting that in Desi society, you will be tarnished as the man who went for ‘second best’ by not marrying a single woman.
• Some of your single friends may react differently towards you after the marriage.
• You will be providing for the ‘family’ not just a partner.
• You may not be experienced as she is in life, because she was in a past relationship in which she had kids.
• If you decide to have children of your own with your partner, dealing with with the insecurities of the existing children.
• If your marriage has problems, you might be reminded it was your choice by family, rather than get support.
• You may find complete happiness but the relationship will require work, but you know it’s worth it.

These points including many more are typical of what a single Desi man could face when looking at marrying a Desi divorced woman with children.

As a single man you need to really know as much about her and vice-versa, before you to take on this role; not just as a partner but also as a responsible man in a family.

Safeguarding emotional risk is important for both partners and communication is key.

Addressing any issues no matter how minor should be communicated and discussed openly.

Compromises and sacrifices will play a big role in a relationship of this kind.

As a single Desi man, these concerns are going to be much more of a challenge compared to those of say a Desi man who is divorced with children.

Because a Desi divorced man with children faces some different challenges, if he wishes to marry a Desi divorced woman with children, including:

• The families of one or both sides may or may not accept the marriage, especially if she is of a different background.
• You may be reminded by family, that you could’ve done better as a Desi man.
• You may be providing for ‘two’ families.
• Your partner may not be as accepting of your children as you are of hers and vice versa.
• Jealousy or selfishness may play a role amongst ex-partners.
• The children may not react to each other very well, they might not get on.
• Her children may not like you, depending how old they are, especially, if they still see their real dad.
• Playing the male role model in the household but restricted by the environment.
• You may have to share your affection with both sets of children.
• Finding time for just you and your partner may not be simple and require planning.
• Friends may see you differently, especially if you do not have time for them any more.
• Taking sides in disagreements may cause further issues.
• Comparisons may be used in arguments or disagreements between now and the past.
• Your partner will expect you to see her and her children as your ‘real’ family.
• Desi society may see you as a male who struggled to find a single woman.
• Demands on your time will increase as you will be spending time with ‘two’ families.
• Having children with your new partner could pose insecurity problems with all previous children in the relationship.

Therefore, marriage with a Desi divorced woman with children, if you have been married before can result in different things to consider before making the commitment.

However, either way, when marrying a Desi divorced woman who has children, your responsibilities as a man and being a male role model are always going to be challenged much more than in a so called ‘normal’ marriage.

Lots of learning, giving and understanding is required to give yourself assurance for what you need in such a relationship, as the male partner.

With children involved, it is important to take into full consideration their feelings towards such a union, as it will impact the relationship later.

Making a hurried decision is not advised and giving the relationship time before you marry can make a huge difference. This applies to both partners.

This will help you realise that this is what you definitely want in a marriage versus what you think you want.