Desi Sex Educators discuss Sexual Confidence & Body Awareness

Sex, deemed natural in the context of marriage and procreation, is shunned only to take up a sinful form in South Asian communities as soon as it is attached to pleasure.

The incessant shushes are an attempt by South Asians to protect their tradition and children from Western views.

Although, ironically enough, these expressions are nothing but echoes of the Victorian mentality.

The English mentality in the 19th century introduced the concept of shame to its colonial subjects back in the British Raj Era.

Centuries of subjugation turned the inheritors of rich culture, heritage and Kama Sutra into mere subjects.

Subjects shunned the idea of coupling sex with desire and equated sex education with immorality.

Today, the present generation has access to technology and sex educators.

They are bringing fresh perspectives and knowledge to burst the myths, stigma and age-old stereotypes.

DESIblitz had the honour of interviewing Artika Singh, a sexual and menstrual health educator, and Pallavi Barnwal, an intimacy coach and pleasure specialist.

With the power of social media, both of them empower Desi individuals by giving them back their fundamental right to understand their bodies and own their sexuality.

Did you face difficulties seeking sexual guidance as a young adult?

Artika: No sexual guidance existed for me – the struggle was to find any source, any legit source to understand even the most basic of things.

One particular instance – that was my first run-in with bad advice, I visited a gynaecologist near my college because I thought I had an infection – without doing any tests, physical examination or even having a full conversation about what I was experiencing they put me on a bunch of medicines for various things.

Googling the medication at home freaked me out further.

Later I found out I had experienced my first ever yeast infection, which now I know is extremely common amongst folks with a vagina-vulva and usually not a cause of much worry.

But that experience really made me so scared to realise that there was literally no one I knew at the time who I could trust for help.

Pallavi: Truthfully, I struggled at all times. I was unaware of it due to the sheer lack of knowledge of what was happening to me.

I was so ignorant about my body that I couldn’t tell when something was wrong.

My experience is quite similar to most South Asian women out there, who have had to figure things out about their bodies, all on their own.

I remember that when I got my period at the age of nine, my mother gave me a white cloth and told me to put it between my legs.

She never explained why I had started bleeding suddenly and only told me to wash the cloth regularly.

Like most women, I hated having to clean it as the fluid felt disgusting, and even without knowing it, I had started to resent my body.

I would carry around white paint with me during the days of my period, to apply over the red stains on my skirts because I was paranoid that people would see.

I can see now just how distressing it was. But then, I had no idea that I was going through something borderline traumatic.

What are the consequences of avoiding or feeling ashamed to discuss sex?

Artika: At an individual level it creates shame and body image issues, and even one’s mental health is affected because you are constantly asked to avoid talking about sex, experiencing pleasure or expressing your sexuality; even though that is a very fundamental process for a lot of people.

Lack of conversations about sex, sexuality, and gender also inhibits you from understanding yourself better as a person.

Conversations on sex can actually help people have safer sexual experiences by allowing people to make more informed decisions about pleasure, consent, contraception, STIs and so much more.

I also believe that sex education plays a huge role in the reduction of gender-based violence, sexual abuse, and intimate partner abuse because knowledge is one of the ways to empower people.

Sex education also helps people understand empathy; we are all different people in our identities and experiences and no one should be penalised for being who they are or expressing themselves freely.

Sex education or information about our bodies allows us to understand those differences.

Pallavi: A whole lot can go wrong when sex is not discussed.

From a very young age, we learn what is considered socially acceptable or unacceptable by observing our parents.

What they do or don’t do, what they say or don’t say, all have an influence on us, even if we do not realise it then.

When we see our parents skirting around the topic of sex, or actively reprimanding us for our curiosity towards it, it creates an association between sex and shame in our minds.

This association is something that we carry on in our adult lives.

Many individuals had parents who would scold them for touching their genitals at a young age, which caused them to feel disconnected from that part of themselves, even as an adult.

When one is ashamed of something this much, one tends to suppress it and negate their sexuality.

I see so many couples with sexless marriages, where one partner has become sexless.

During my assessment sessions, I ask the sexless spouse two questions: What do you think love is and what do you think sex is?

Not surprisingly, the associations to love come as platonic, togetherness, and parental affection, and associations to sex come as dirty, forceful, and shameful.

This is the honest answer, I received from one of my clients:

“The words ‘sex’ and ‘lovemaking’ bring very different pictures and vibes within me.

“Lovemaking makes me feel good, beautiful, and also shy at times. However, ‘sex’ brings up dirty pictures and feelings of little disgust.”

Do you agree that South Asian communities aren’t fully sexually literate yet?

Artika: Today, South Asians take pride in owning their culture and tradition, but they also actively shame their own people for expressing their sexuality.

So, we are definitely on a journey of ‘unshaming’ and relearning so many things before we become fully sexually literate.

But you have to agree that we are in the middle of a revolution where so many people are conversing about sex, periods, genders, and relationships freely and unabashedly.

It’s amazing and such an important event to note.

The change has started, we just have to keep going. One thing at a time, one less myth each day, space for more experiences to exist daily.

Pallavi: I believe that you are right. Desi communities have an exhaustingly long way to go before we can achieve what is known as a sexually literate society.

While I am aware and glad that the mindset has changed recently, there is still much left to do.

Recently, I have seen that a lot of people feel more at ease now than ever, when talking about sex in the online sphere. But discussions in real life are still very rare.

People find it easier to ask questions and offer opinions behind the safety of a screen.

But still, I feel distressed at the prospect of talking about it to an actual person.

Until and unless a vast majority of people become comfortable with talking about sex with their peers or close family members without it feeling like some kind of emotional torture, I don’t think we have scratched the surface.

What advice do you have for fans of millennial sex educators like yourself?

Artika: I love each and every person who interacts with us, through our content, AMAs et cetera.

And I just want them to know that I am so proud of all of us for taking charge of our own bodies and making the effort to be more informed.

I think if I had to boil it down to one piece of advice, then it would be for you to understand that the only person who gets to decide what’s right for you is you; neither your peers nor the society.

So do what feels good to you, when it feels good to you.

Pallavi: I am glad that they have access to sex education that I did not get when I was their age.

When I was younger, no one would even utter the word “sex.”

People like me are trying our best to not do what was done to us, and the youth seem to really appreciate it.

I am pretty proud of the refusal that many young people exhibit towards maintaining the status quo.

I think they would make some groundbreaking changes in the broken, rigid way society works in the coming few years.

My advice to them would be to keep talking about sex.

Instead of taking silence and ignorance from our elders as an answer as people did in my generation, be relentless in asking for better information.

Do your best to destigmatise sex and promote the idea of body autonomy.

Just like your cool, millennial sex educators have paved the way for you, continue the good fight for the next generation.

The South Asian community is slowly making its way towards sexual literacy.

Much of the credit goes to sex educators like Artika Singh and Pallavi Barnwal, who are teaching people to reclaim and love their bodies.

DESIblitz supports their efforts just as we encourage open and vocal discussions about sex.