My Partner does not like to use a condom. What should I do?
Most people would agree that sex feels different with a condom however not everyone says it feels worse.
Some people are more able to relax with a condom as they are not worried about getting pregnant or contracting a sexually transmitted disease.
It is important to recognise that feeling safe can help people feel closer to one another, which in turn enhances the sexual experience.
However, the scenario, where you are about to have sex and your partner is reluctant to use a condom because he does not like the ‘feel of it’ or is coercing you to feel it will be okay without it because he will use the ‘pull out method’ can send out alarm signals.
What do you do? How do you avoid having sex unless a condom is used for all-round safety?
Firstly, it is absolutely not okay under any circumstances to be pressurised by anybody to engage in a sexual act that they are not comfortable with.
Coercing, cajoling, guilt-tripping or nagging someone to perform a sexual act that they do not want to do is rape.
If a woman has to find a way to ‘avoid’ having sex she is in a vulnerable position and with no doubt she is potentially being abused.
It is also indicative that the man really is behaving sexually aggressively, especially, if he can not or does not listen to and respect the woman’s desire to stop.
No, means No, regardless of what stage of sexual activity you are at.
Using a Condom or Not
If your partner or you, do not want to use a condom, you both need to find and agree on an alternative method of contraception or find an alternative sexual act. For example, a femidom or mutual masturbation.
However, sometimes it is not the condom itself that causes problems it’s the discourse around it. Frank discussions before engaging in sex will eliminate the awkwardness and concerns around using the condom.
Learning to say something about your experience, what you want and what you like sexually will help your partner to also speak freely and ultimately achieve the sexual experience you both want and deserve.
Practise putting a condom on, in a heterosexual partnership perhaps the woman can take the lead and put the condom on the man or both people could practice together on a banana or some other penis-shaped object.
In this way, you could explore a variety of condoms and lubricants. Be playful in the process, go on, be a little silly, let yourselves have fun in the process.
On the note of storing condoms be aware that heat can cause condoms to lose their integrity, so it is best to store condoms in cooler locations like a jacket pocket and not your wallet or the glove compartment of your car.
Sometimes people remember the condom but forget the lubricant. Lubricant is essential with condoms, it increases the efficacy of the condom and reduces the risk of pain and tearing.
Vaginal lubrication may not be always enough, therefore, it is totally okay and advisable to use lubricant with or without condoms, it will reduce friction and increase pleasure.
Why not go on a shopping trip together and buy a couple of different lubricants to try so that you are both invested in the process and the delights to be had.
Lubricants ideal to use with condoms are either silicone or water-based. Try both to see which works best for you and your partner.
Never use an oil-based lube with condoms because you will run the risk of damaging the condom.
You might also want to put a tiny drop of lubricant inside the condom at the tip, just enough to help the condom slide over the penis head more easily.
There are a wide variety of condoms on the market. Trial and error will help you find the perfect fit. Check labels to determine the shape and size of the condom to ensure you get a good fit.
There is a variation in thickness. Some are also thinner than others, thus, giving a near skin-like feeling.
Some men and women also enjoy the feel of a ribbed condom, which can bring a new dimension to the sexual experience.
For some men, the reduction in stimulation because of the condom helps them last longer and therefore, delay their orgasm.
Have a look at all the different condoms available on the market, try a few before deciding they are not for you.
Lubricants and flavoured condoms combined will help increase the pleasure when practising oral sex.
You might want to try polyurethane condoms, polyurethane is a good conductor of heat and consequently, the condoms quickly reach body temperature so there is less chance of feeling
The more both parties invest in exploring condoms and lubricants the more likely that they are going to find a condom lubricant combination that will offer them maximum pleasure with minimal disruption.
As an alternative to external condoms, there are a variety of internal condoms or femidoms on the market.
It must be noted that femidoms are not as effective at reducing the chances of contracting sexually transmitted diseases, but like external condoms offer some protection against unwanted pregnancies.
Femidoms can be inserted into the vagina a couple of hours before sex. The woman controls their use although there is no reason why the male partner cannot be responsible for inserting the femidom into the woman’s vagina, making it a mutual experience.
Many women report pleasure from femidoms claiming the inner ring feels pleasurable inside the vagina as does the outer-ring as it rubs against the clitoris. Caution must be taken to ensure that the man inserts his penis into the femidom and not down the side and into the vagina proper.
Like external condoms, femidoms have no known side effects and do not require medical help to use.
One party alone cannot be responsible for both parties’ sexual pleasure. It will be easier to maintain safe sex if the sex is at the same time safe and pleasurable.
Once an exclusive intimate partnership is established, and protection against STD’s is no longer required, there are a number of options available for birth control. Couples can look at the pill, a monthly injection, a hormone implant and the coil either with or without hormone.
The two people participating in the sexual act are completely responsible for ensuring that safe sex takes place. In the case of unfortunate accidents, it is the responsibility of the same two people to find a resolution.
If you experience any kind of pain during intercourse it is important to speak to your GP to get a sexual health check.
Ultimately remember. condoms protect against unwanted pregnancies and sexually transmitted infections and diseases. The safety a condom affords always outweighs a moment of ill-thought out pleasure.
Lohani Noor is an experienced empathic psychotherapist with a special interest in psychosexual therapies. She is resident at the Manchester Institute for Psychotherapy in Chorlton Manchester. Lohani works with individuals and couples covering a wide range of difficulties. She also offers long term group therapy. Details regarding Lohani and her practice can be found on this website.
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