Sex Help: How can I Tell if I am Bi-Sexual or Gay

Being gay or bi-sexual can lead to many dilemmas and challenges for British Asians. Our sexpert Saidat Khan explains how to tell if you are.

Sex Help: How can I Tell if I am Bi-Sexual or Gay

How can I tell if I am Bi-Sexual or Gay?

One thing to remember and understand is that your innate or inborn sexual orientation does not change. If you are inborn heterosexual you do not become gay and vice versa.

Be totally honest and ask yourself; when you see someone of your own gender in a magazine, in person or in a movie and your thought is that you would like to give and receive sexual pleasure, you are probably gay and homosexual.

It is more to do with relating to the whole person in a way you are not able to with someone of the opposite sex.

If you feel this way and you are also sexually attracted to the opposite gender, you are bisexual.

Being bisexual means you are capable of having an emotional, physical, psychological and romantic attraction to same sex or opposite sex partners.

If you are attracted sexually only to the opposite gender, you are heterosexual.

Sexual orientation, however, refers to someone’s sexual preferences, fantasies, emotional feelings and conscious attractions. All these indicators make up the orientation.

If you are still unsure; there are various online tests you can take to gauge if you are gay or bisexual and the most famous is the Kinsey test. This is a scale that was developed by Dr. Alfred Kinsey for measuring human sexuality which determines whether a person was gay, straight or something in between. You can take this test using this Kinsey test link.

Most British Asian men enter into a marriage that is usually based on the family’s cultural and religious customs; that the man should marry a woman and have children.

This poses a huge personal dilemma if you are gay and you choose to abide to fulfil these obligations and sacrifice your own needs. The pressures against your inborn orientation, if you are a gay man, may lead you into a life dominated by secrets of same-sex activity; which may lead you to feelings of shame, guilt and spells of varied depression, although, we are all sexual beings.

British Asian women who are bi-sexual or lesbian feel similar challenges and most likely will want to keep their orientation a secret. 

It is often the case, that Asian women can be known to experiment on each other prior to relationships with men, especially, during student times in countries like India. Whereas, in the UK, something may just happen after a party night out with a flatmate, which can lead to curiosity or more.

If you admit you are gay and you come out, you may risk the possibility of being outcasted and rejected by your family, friends and the community.

The other predicament is, if as a man, you have married a woman, have had sex with her, and you have a sexual attraction to both sexes, how do you tell your partner? Or vice-versa.

Either way, the issue or problem doesn’t go away unless you have family and friends who are able to understand your situation and be supportive. 

Some people have concerns over their sexuality because they fantasise about receiving or giving anal penetration/sex, and because of this they think they may be gay or have homosexual tendencies. This just means that you want to explore your sexual behaviour and try out new sexual activities which can also be experienced in a heterosexual relationship.

Some people also have sexual experiences with the same gender but are not gay/lesbian. It is just an experience put down to curiosity.

Communication plays a very important role in any relationship and in this case, it is very important to understand and accept who you really are and develop a way of communicating it that works for you.

Saidat Khan is an experienced psychosexual and relationship therapist who treats individuals and couples with sexual dysfunctions and intimacy issues. He also facilitates structured group-work; programmes for sex addiction/compulsive behaviour. Based at his Harley Street practice in London, he is open minded and empathetic to client’s needs. Information about his services is available on his website.

Do you have a Sex Help question for our Sex expert? Please use the form below and send it to us.

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Saidat Khan is a Psychosexual and Relationship Therapist and an Addictions Specialist from Harley Street London. He is a keen golfer and enjoys yoga. His motto is ''I am not what has happened to me. I am what I choose to become'' by Carl Jung.


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