"he turned to hook-ups to ‘relieve stress’."
Infidelity within South Asian communities can be food for gossip but remains highly taboo to discuss.
Yet the reality is that infidelity within Desi communities occurs across South Asia and the diaspora.
Indeed, adultery occurs in, for example, Bangladeshi, Indian and Pakistani communities by both men and women.
A survey carried out by Gleeden, the first ‘extra-marital dating app’, found that 55% of Indian married couples confessed to cheating on their partner.
The survey highlighted that 56% of Indian women were unfaithful.
In the British Indian community, only 33% of respondents confessed to cheating at some point during their relationship.
The lower percentage may be due to conversations about adultery being less open in Britain than in India.
Moreover, 48% of the surveyed people in India believed it was possible to be in love with two people simultaneously.
Forty-six per cent believed cheating on a person while still being in love with their partner.
Digital technology, the web and platforms like Gleeden can create more opportunities for infidelity. Simran* a 30-year-old British Pakistani, stated:
“The internet and having second phones make having affairs easier for those that want to cheat.
“I know friends and family who disagree, but cheating can be just emotional, too. It can hurt more and is as bad as sleeping with someone else.”
Often, when people think of infidelity, they consider this to entail a physical/sexual relationship. However, for some, emotional cheating is also a form of being unfaithful, as is cybersex.
DESIblitz explores some of the causes and consequences of infidelity within South Asian marriages.
Feeling Pressured to Marry and then Regretting?
Most Desi families traditionally expect sons and daughters to get married at some point.
Sometimes, such expectations can play a role in individuals making decisions they should not. Consider the words of Zeeshan* a 37-year-old British Pakistani:
“I agreed to the marriage when I shouldn’t have. I was 32. Me and my girlfriend [Maya*] had gotten into a massive fight weeks ago and broke up. I was p****d.
“Before that, for a year, my dad and some older cousins had been pushing for me to marry, saying it was time.
“Only my mum knew about my girlfriend Maya*. My dad’s traditional; you decide who you marry but with family approval.
“My dad and cousin said they had a rishta from Pakistan come through, and the family and girl were really good. Dad loved what he had seen of Alina*.
“They were all for it; my mum wasn’t. She knew about Maya and told me to wait.
“She was the one trying to put the breaks on it all, but dad and my cousin kept at me, so I went fine.”
“When Alina came here, for a year, I tried to make it work. At least, I thought I did. Looking back, I knew it had been a mistake early, but I was trying to suck it up.”
Zeeshan revealed how his affair with his ex-girlfriend Maya started:
“My mum told me before the marriage if I was determined to go through with it, I needed to cut my ex out. No contact.
“That didn’t happen. A few months after Alina got her visa and came over, I started speaking to my Maya.
“It was just messages and phone calls; she always knew me best. I could talk to her about things I couldn’t with Alina.
“The talking carried on for months, and we started meeting up. I never planned it, but I never should have married anyone else.”
Zeeshan conceded to family pressure to marry when he was angry and was not thinking clearly.
His emotional investment in and communication with his ex-girlfriend cracked the foundations of his marriage.
Cracks neither his wife nor father knew existed.
Consequences for Zeeshan and those Involved
The fallout from Zeeshan’s affair coming to light rippled through his family home, impacting relationships.
Zeeshan and his father’s relationship became strained, and from what is revealed, Alina, surrounded by Zeeshan’s family, felt isolated:
“When Alina and my dad found out, Dad went ballistic, yelling at me to cut ties and focus on Alina.
“It was weeks of back and forth, arguing, ice-cold silence.
“She [Alina] stayed quiet, closed off from the family. She spoke to her cousins on the phone but was closed off from us. Then, one day, when we were all out, she left.
“Mum and Dad freaked and called her relatives in London. All they would say is that she was fine but wanted nothing to do with any of us.”
Zeeshan and Maya, a few months later, had a Nikkah, which led to further tension:
“Mum made Dad come to the Nikkah. He was silent all the way through. It was a small one, and none of the rest of the family knew about it for months.
“Mum, dad and my sister only knew. It was all my fault, but Mum told people things between me and Alina didn’t work out.”
The affair also impacted how Zeeshan’s father’s relationship with Maya, causing unease and discomfort:
“He didn’t accept her for a long time. We barely went to the house until we had our first baby.
“At family events like Eid, he’d say a brief salaam, and that’s it. Now he talks to Maya.”
Infidelity to Escape from Pressures?
Infidelity can occur in both arranged marriages and love marriages for a variety of reasons. One reason some give for an affair is the need to escape pressure and ‘de-stress’.
Rani*, a 47-year-old Indian Gujarati, revealed to DESIblitz:
“My ex-husband and I had a love marriage when it wasn’t common.
“My dad had been hard to persuade to let me marry him, so when it happened, it was an extra big slap in my face.”
“A few years in, we were struggling with money, fighting, and he turned to hook-ups to ‘relieve stress’.
“The rage I felt when I caught him, and he said that. If I’d been relieving stress with some other guy, there was no way he would have forgiven me.
“He’d want to kill me; I know he would have.”
“His mum encouraged me to forgive him for our kid’s sake. When I asked her if she’d tell him the same if I’d been the one sleeping around…
“Her face went red, and she shut up.”
For Rani, it’s infuriating that there are double standards in Desi communities, where men are not judged as severely as women for extra-marital affairs.
Consequences for Rani and the Family
The revelation of her husband sleeping with other women broke the trust Rani had in her spouse but also raised health concerns:
“When I learnt he’d been sleeping around, not just once but more, I was terrified he might have given me something.
“We’d still been intimate, not as much with all the stress and arguing, but we had.”
Rani’s tests returned negative, and her husband assured her he had used protection.
However, her trust had been shattered:
“He kept saying that he ‘didn’t care about any of them’ and that he ‘had been safe’; it was just sex and escape. How was that meant to make me feel better?
“I stupidly still loved him, and we had kids, so I focused on making it work. But I couldn’t trust him again.
“The kids felt the tension; they didn’t know what happened, but they felt something was off.
“I gave him a chance, and I wish I hadn’t. I was finally feeling we had turned a corner when, two years later, he did it again.
“It was so much worse this time. My 12-year-old daughter Ava*. Her friend saw him kissing a woman in the local park.
“Then more came out, and Ava learnt things I wish she never had.
“Their relationship has never been the same. After that, I was done, but I still wanted the kids to have a dad.
“Ava has refused to have anything to do with him, and she’s 17 now.
“What broke my heart was when she said, ‘She’ll never marry, just in case the man turns out like Dad.’ I hope that changes.”
For Ava, her father’s infidelity has made her wary of relationships and trusting men.
Extra-marital affairs cannot just break a marital relationship but have a detrimental impact on relationships between parents and their children.
Issues of Sexual & Emotional Fulfilment
Effective communication is the foundation of any marriage. Moreover, feeling emotionally and sexually fulfilled matters for both men and women.
In Desi cultures, indirect communication and avoidance of talking about sex and desires can lead to unresolved issues and dissatisfaction.
This can be particularly true for women, who can find themselves trapped by sociocultural mores and the silence around female sexuality. They may also feel they are not listened to or made to feel desired.
Natasha*, a 29-year-old British Pakistani, found herself going online looking for comfort two years into her marriage:
“My husband came from a conservative house when it comes to showing affection and things. And he wouldn’t talk about bedroom stuff.
“I grew up not talking about sex and women having desires.
“When sex was spoken about or mentioned in front of me, it was shown as ‘dirty’.”
“I’d never dated or even kissed someone before marriage. I didn’t know how to speak to him about it. I tried once, and he closed it down fast.
“It led to me talking to someone through Instagram; it was honestly just talking at first.
“And I felt listened to, and he complimented me. My husband did nothing, and I really tried.
“Then I realised I was falling for the guy I was speaking to; it wasn’t just friendship. We started to have heated conversations… sex talk, sending pictures without my face.
“I met him, and things happened that showed me what I had been missing out on. Why was only my husband getting off in our bedroom?
“But I knew it was wrong. I tried speaking to my husband, but nothing changed. I left, just saying it wasn’t working, shocked everyone.”
Natasha didn’t find emotional or sexual satisfaction in her marriage. Her husband’s reluctance to discuss their sex life and relationship was an insurmountable barrier for her.
Consequences for Natasha after her Infidelity
Natasha revealed that she never disclosed her affair to her now ex-husband or family to avoid negative and possibly dangerous consequences:
“I’m not stupid; I would have been dead. My family would have only disowned me if I was lucky. The community would have never stopped judging.
“A guy cheating is one thing; some people shake their head disappointed, that’s it. If a woman cheats, she’s a whore, it’s never forgotten.”
The highly unjust gendered aspect of how Desi communities and families can react to infidelity is why Natasha is adamant that she would never tell the truth.
Yet Natasha says she has not escaped wholly unscathed from her infidelity:
“I feel really guilty; part of me always will. And the guy I cheated with, I cared about him more than I can say, but we started the wrong way.
“I tried a relationship but couldn’t stop thinking, ‘What if he does it to me?’ I’m engaged now, and we talk about everything my ex-husband wouldn’t.
“Honestly, these conversations need to happen, even in arranged marriages. Epically uncomfortable, yeah, but have to happen.”
Natasha lives with guilt for being unfaithful. However, it is a guilt she cannot release outside this anonymised story and one friend who knows her secret.
She is fearful she would lose her fiancé if he knew, as well as the wider socio-cultural and family judgement she would face.
Consensual Extra-Marital Affairs?
When people think about affairs, it is often that these are done in secret, hidden from the partner. Indeed, this is implied in the words used: affair, unfaithfulness and infidelity.
However, this may not always be the case.
Kajol* a 42-year-old Indian currently living in Canada, stated:
“My husband and I have had years where we have been in different countries due to work and studies.
“I adore him and vice versa; we are it for each other. But we are human with needs, so when I was in the USA, and he was in India, we had a serious talk during my postgrad.
“We agreed that when we are separated, we can sleep with other people, but as a one-off, no emotional ties.”
For Kajol and her husband, true unfaithfulness would be if one became emotionally connected to another person.
Monogamy remains a potent norm within Desi cultures, especially for women. Kajol and her husband’s relationship deviates from this but works for them.
Kajol said: “We don’t advertise this; family members from the older generations would be mortified.
“And the community can be judgmental. But we have friends with similar agreements, and some are in open marriages.”
This raises the question of how many Desi relationships and marriages deviate from sociocultural norms around monogamy.
Jinasree Rajendrakumar, a psychologist and couples therapist in Bangalore, stated:
“Among people who opt for open or polyamorous relationships, there is a sense of transparency that is lacking in extra-marital relationships.”
Loading ...The idea of monogamy is being questioned and may destabilise traditional Desi ideas of marriage and sex.
Extra-marital affairs remain frowned upon, although men are perceived as facing more acceptance for their indiscretions.
Indeed, having an affair is incredibly taboo for Desi women. The experiences shared here highlight that women are perceived as being judged more harshly than men.
It is also clear that the reasons for infidelity and its consequences are many, the ripple effects of which can be felt by wider family members.
Social media and technology have provided further avenues for those who feel dissatisfied and/or need escape.
There is also an indication that the idea that all affairs are done in secret, hidden from the partner, needs to be re-evaluated.
For some, like Kajol and her husband, finding sexual satisfaction with others is acceptable, but unfaithfulness occurs when emotions are involved.
The taboo around cheating and its causes and consequences makes it difficult to explore the layers within it, something that needs to change.
