It is possible for couples to truly love each other, but to truly feel unloved
Does passion and feelings of love necessarily diminish over time?
Why does a person who was once the centre of your universe seem like a different person?
Why does your obsession, fascination and adoration for them begin to fade away?
A lasting relationship is something we accomplish with effort, patience and perseverance.
It does not happen just because we are in love with someone or believe the myth that we have found our ‘soul mate’.
We humans are not preprogrammed computers, but beings with complex needs and feelings.
Empathetic communication, realistic expectations, mutual understanding and respect are just some of the key traits of long-lasting bonds.
DESIblitz delves into the world of books and presents the five must read books on Love and Relationship.
1. Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus by John Gray
Authored by John Gray, this popular handbook has turned into a relationship Bible across the globe.
The book basically speaks about the differences between men and women, depicting that men are from Mars and women are from Venus, which are two dissimilar planets.
Gray says that when there is as tough problem to be solved, men go to their ‘Caves’.
They become non-communicative so they can work out how best to help themselves.
On the contrary, when faced with a problem, women become more communicative and want to include others in working out a solution.
When men do communicate, they like to get to the point, while women enjoy talking and listening unconditionally.
The book emphasises that the need of each gender is distinct and exclusive, and should be understood differently in order to ensure a harmonious relationship.
“Men are motivated when they feel needed while women are motivated when they feel cherished.”
2. Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Sue Johnson.
In Hold Me Tight, Dr. Sue Johnson talks about seven conversations for a lasting love life.
This book emphasises on ‘Emotionally Focused Therapy’ which has become popular among therapists around the world.
The first conversation, ‘Recognising the Demon Dialogues’, helps couples identify the negative patterns of communication and offers insights to avoid them.
Sex and touch are powerful bonding experiences. The author talks about the importance of sex in building long-lasting relationships.
The conversation, ‘Hold Me Tight’, is the conversation that moves partners to be more reachable, emotionally responsive, and deeply engaged with each other.
Johnson explains that love is the most compelling survival mechanism. Fights are really protests over emotional disconnection.
The longer partners feel disconnected, the more negative their interactions become.
“In insecure relationships, we disguise our vulnerabilities so our partner never really sees us.”
3. The Highly Sensitive Person in Love: Understanding and Managing Relationships When the World Overwhelms You by Elaine Aron.
Dr. Aron explains that in the past, highly sensitive people were often called shy, inhibited and introverted. They pause before reacting and always reflect based on their past experiences.
The Highly Sensitive Person in Love, helps to view the sensitive traits of the personality as strengths rather than weaknesses.
Highly sensitive people are often unusually creative and productive, attentive and thoughtful partners, and intellectually gifted individuals.
The book offers practical help for highly sensitive people seeking happier, healthier romantic relationships.
It also includes a wealth of practical advice on making the most of all personality combinations. It can definitely benefit you if either you or your partner is a highly sensitive person.
“Extremely intense love is often rejected by the beloved just because it is so demanding and unrealistic.”
4. The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts by Gary Chapman
It is possible for couples to truly love each other, but to truly feel unloved because they have different notions about giving and receiving love.
The ‘Five Languages of Love’ explained in the book are quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, and physical touch.
Dr. Gary Chapman identifies these and directs couples towards a better understanding of their unique languages of love.
Your upbringing can speak volumes about your love language. What made you feel the most loved as a child can most probably be your primary love language.
Opting to love your partner and hoping feelings of affection will sprout again with whom you are no longer in love with may seem idiotic. But Chapman promises that the results will be worth the effort.
“Forgiveness is not a feeling; it is a commitment. It is a choice to show mercy, not to hold the offence up against the offender. Forgiveness is an expression of love.”
5. The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships by John Gottman.
The Relationship Cure is a revolutionary five-step program for repairing troubled relationships – with spouses and lovers, family members, friends, and even your boss or colleagues at work.
Drawing on a host of powerful new studies, Dr. John Gottman offers new tools and insights for making your relationships thrive:
“I had one couple in counselling and the husband said his wife never checked the oil in her car.
“He thought she was careless, but it turned out that she never knew a car engine needed oil. I think it is the same with relationships,” Gottman explains.
He says people don’t get into relationships to have them fail. However many long term bonds crash because we seldom pay attention to the emotional needs of others.
He talks about emotional illiteracy. The partners who are unable to read facial expression or change in voice are emotionally ignorant. This book basically guides people to connect emotionally.
The Relationship Cure is all about developing, nurturing, and cherishing long lasting relationships.
“You don’t have to be interesting. You have to be interested.”
People often feel unloved in relationships when the romantic and physical connection seems to fade away.
These five great books on love and relationships will definitely help bring back that missing sparkle. Just give them a try.