Why Some South Asians Cut Off Their Parents in Silence

For many South Asian families, the bond between parent and child is considered sacred, often taking precedence over all else.

Respect, duty and obedience are seen as non-negotiable, especially from children towards their elders.

Yet, beneath this cultural ideal lies a growing but under-discussed phenomenon, adult children choosing to cut ties with their parents.

These decisions are rarely impulsive, often rooted in years of unresolved tension, pain, or control.

While not always visible, estrangement is becoming more common among South Asians living in the UK and beyond.

The reasons are layered and complex, challenging long-held assumptions about family loyalty and love.

In a BBC Worklife feature, British South Asians, especially those raised in the diaspora, shared why they deliberately distanced themselves from their parents.

Intergenerational clashes over identity, religion and autonomy were key reasons.

Many described leading “double lives,” hiding relationships, sexual orientation or even lifestyle choices.

These adults did not always choose full estrangement, but the emotional distance was still stark.

The stigma surrounding this subject remains heavy, particularly in cultures where concepts like filial piety dominate social values.

Yet as more people speak out, the silent suffering behind family breakups is gaining attention.

Abuse and Trauma that Cannot Be Forgotten

For some South Asians, the decision to cut ties stems from enduring years of trauma inside the home.

Physical violence, emotional neglect or witnessing abuse between parents can leave deep scars.

While forgiveness is often encouraged in Desi culture, it does not erase lasting pain.

Many adults report never receiving an apology or acknowledgement for what they went through.

For others, therapy helped them realise that their childhoods were far from normal or safe.

Some parents use cultural guilt to downplay abuse or deny it entirely.

Over time, repeated harm without accountability leads some to sever contact completely.

These choices are not made lightly but often follow multiple attempts to rebuild or explain.

The lack of understanding or dismissal of emotional trauma makes reconciliation difficult.

For survivors, safety and mental health can take precedence over maintaining family ties.

In some families, this includes cutting off contact with not just parents but also siblings or extended relatives.

Overbearing Control and the Fight for Boundaries

Control disguised as care is a familiar theme in many South Asian households.

Parents often make decisions about their children’s education, career and even marriage long into adulthood.

While some children comply to maintain peace, others feel suffocated by constant monitoring.

Disagreements can escalate into threats of disownment, emotional blackmail or public shaming.

Seeking independence is sometimes viewed as betrayal rather than growth.

Adult children who move out, choose partners independently or prioritise personal goals are often labelled selfish.

Attempts to set boundaries may be met with accusations of disrespect or abandonment.

For some, years of conflict over personal choices eventually pushes them to walk away.

The desire to live freely, without fear or guilt, becomes more important than preserving a relationship based on conditional love.

The Burden of One-Sided Loyalty

In South Asian culture, respect for parents is seen as unconditional. But many adult children feel this respect is rarely mutual.

Some describe relationships where they were expected to be obedient and available, but rarely heard or valued.

There may be little emotional intimacy, with love shown only through expectations of sacrifice.

The lack of empathy or understanding often leads to feelings of being emotionally invisible.

When parents view children as duty-bound rather than as individuals, resentment can build.

Some adult children speak of reaching a breaking point where continued contact felt damaging to their well-being.

They no longer wished to play the role of the “good child” if it meant erasing parts of themselves.

While gratitude and duty are important, they do not replace the need for respect and emotional safety.

Clashing Worlds and Unmet Expectations

Cultural and generational clashes are common, particularly among second-generation South Asians in the West.

For them, navigating Western ideals of independence while being raised in collectivist households creates inner turmoil.

Issues like dating, sexual orientation, religion or mental health often become battlegrounds.

Parents may see these as betrayals of culture, while adult children view them as expressions of identity.

The pressure to conform can lead to years of secrecy, anxiety and double lives.

Some adults hide their partners or pretend to follow religious practices they no longer believe in.

When this balancing act becomes too heavy, the decision to step back or cut ties may follow.

The emotional toll of living between two conflicting value systems becomes unsustainable.

Financial Tensions and Expectations of Sacrifice

Another hidden reason for family breakdown is financial pressure.

In some South Asian households, parents expect children to provide support once they start earning.

While many do so willingly, the demands can become overwhelming.

Adult children may face guilt-tripping, comparisons or accusations of being ungrateful if they prioritise their financial stability.

There are cases where adult children were expected to fund parental lifestyles or support extended relatives without question.

If boundaries are set, they are sometimes met with hostility or rejection.

In extreme situations, financial disagreements trigger deeper emotional fractures, leading to estrangement.

The lack of understanding or fairness in these expectations can break trust irreparably.

A Silent but Growing Reality

While global studies show that 10 to 27% of adults are estranged from a parent at some point, this is likely underreported in South Asian communities.

Cultural shame, community judgment and fear of social exclusion often keep such decisions private.

The MASALA Study in the US revealed that although 80% of older South Asians believed they could rely on their children, a significant minority could not.

This points to fractures in the traditional family system that are rarely spoken about.

A British Muslim woman featured in the BBC article has lived away from her parents since 2014, choosing emotional distance over familial obligation.

Her story is just one among many that challenge the idea of family as unbreakable.

The silence around estrangement does not mean it isn’t happening.

It means that those going through it often feel alone, judged or ashamed.

Breaking the Silence, Rewriting the Narrative

Severing ties with one’s parents is among the most painful choices an adult can make, especially within South Asian culture.

These decisions are usually born from long-standing pain, unmet emotional needs or a lack of autonomy.

While society continues to idealise family harmony, the reality is often more complicated.

Conversations about trauma, boundaries and respect are slowly entering the mainstream, but stigma remains strong.

For many, estrangement is not about hate or revenge, but about survival and healing.

It is a last resort after years of conflict, silence or emotional absence.

As more South Asians speak openly about their experiences, it becomes easier to understand and empathise.

Not all stories end in reconciliation, and that too must be acknowledged.

In rewriting what family means, adult children are learning that love should not come at the cost of self.