What is a Cuzzy Bro?

For the last five years, the term ‘Cuzzy Bro’, has been a prevalent phrase used in the British Asian community.

In the simplest sense, a Cuzzy Bro (shortened to just ‘Bro’), is basically the brown equivalent of a ‘chav’ (commonly referred to young White working-class guys and girls).

However, there are significant differences between the two that make the ‘Bro’ distinctly unique.

The Cuzzy Bro was first given widespread exposure when Humza Production’s, Diary of a Badman series, launched in 2010.

Each video entry of the series went viral on YouTube, boasting a multimillion view count.

However, the Cuzzy Bro was best depicted by Matt Lucas, when he played Taaj in the BBC airport sketch comedy show, Come Fly With Me.

Having observed the Cuzzy Bro like David Attenborough watches the regal sloth, there are certain characteristics that can be associated with this particular British Asian subculture.

How to Identify a Cuzzy Bro

1. Language

The dialect of a Cuzzy Bro is extremely unique and is not really adopted by any other sect of British society. Common phrases include:

• “Bro” ~ Unsurprisingly, this is the most frequently used term. It expresses endearment and signals friendship amongst other bros, or if you’re lucky, non-bros.
• “Brother” ~ A formal variation of ‘Bro’, used predominantly by the elder Cuzzy Bro.
• “OY OY OY OY OY” ~ A cross between oi oi oi and ay ay ay. There can never be a singular OY; it must be said at least three times consecutively. This term is used to express surprise or excitement about someone’s actions.
• “Ehnit” ~ In this case the bros have levelled up the already evolved word. The phrase began as, ‘Isn’t it’, which evolved to ‘enit’ and the final form has been cemented as ‘ehnit’. The term means, ‘I know, right’, or ‘You know, right’. The ‘h’ really added extra emphasis.
• “Kusmeh” ~ Formerly known as se kusmeh and this is usually followed by the prior colloquialism ‘bro’. It means I promise or I’m telling the truth.

Finally, Cuzzy Bros have a tendency to remove prepositions and ‘the’ from most sentences, e.g. ‘I’m goin gym bro’, ‘I went Dixy’s ehnit’, ‘Chillin in sheesha bro’.

2. Fashion

Cuzzy Bros boast a very unique fashion sense that mixes loud designer logos and bling:

• Body Warmer or Big Cotton Fleeces is a particular favourite of the Cuzzy Bro as these torso coverers serve two purposes. Firstly, it makes them look big and secondly, it hides any high body fat percentage in the love handle department.
• Pouches are also imperative. No bro would dare admit this but a pouch is a male purse, used to store all sorts of brik-a-brak.
• A Gucci hat, a gold or silver chain, G star jeans and an earring are also an essential in the Cuzzy Bro starter pack. Best make sure the earring isn’t on the gay ear though because, ‘That’s Haram ehnit!’

3. Haircut

Early Cuzzy Bro hairstyles include ‘The Fountain’, which looks like tarantula legs trickling down the forehead and they have to be separated equally by the centimetre.

A ruler and mirror will be required to be on one’s person at all times to maintain this look.

As he reaches adolescence however, the Cuzzy Bro tends to adopt the Desi favourite; the short back and sides.

The sides can often display a patterns arraying from stars and swirls to zigzags.

4. Facial hair

The Cuzzy Bro classic facial hair is the soul patch into chin strap look. Slit eyebrows are optional but never any more than two slits.

The Contradiction

A very real enigma of many Cuzzy Bros of all South Asian descents is their conservative background and their constant need to pick up girls.

Bros can be found in many clubs getting blitzed out of their skull and are often seen perusing the talent for an awkwardly long period of time.

Cuzzy Bros often stick to each other like glue for the entirety of the night out, which is arguably a safe thing to do, but the night out is certainly denied any sense of adventure in the process.

However, some Cuzzy Bros don’t even bother going into clubs. For those based in Birmingham, Broad Street is the home of the bro in a rental car.

The bro can be seen trying to attract girls by revving their engines and shouting from a rolled down window.

Kirandeep says: “My friend and I were walking down Broad Street from OBar to Mooch and a parked up car pulled up aside, one of the guys inside rolled down his window and he shouted, ‘Oi, come over here’.

“We declined and he said, ‘You’re f****** ugly anyway’, and then they drove off.”

Aman adds: “A few years ago my friends and I were walking to our local pub. A car drove past us with the windows down and they shouted something in our direction.

“They literally stopped the car in the middle of the road, did a three point turn, to then drive alongside us.

“One of my friends was a very attractive mixed race girl and it turns out it was her attention they were trying to get. The bro on the passenger side’s opening line was, ‘You are so fit come and talk to me.’

“My friend kept on walking but as she did the car slowly trickled down the road in pursuit.

“In the end my friend had to pretend I was her boyfriend and then the bro’s attention turned to me and they asked, ‘That’s your girl? Bro you are bare lucky man’, and they drove off.”

It is bemusing to any rational person why anyone would think this would be a legitimate way to attract women but it does happen more often than you’d think.

As you can probably tell, the Cuzzy Bro is a peculiar fellow.