“Some people don’t even realise that they are doing it."
New dating trends emerge every week, and the latest term buzzing on TikTok is floodlighting.
But this trend has nothing to do with beams of light illuminating a sports field or stage.
Floodlighting is an impulse to overshare deeply personal information early on in a relationship.
Emma Kobil, LPC of Mindful Counselling, says she’s seeing more clients struggle with this growing habit.
She says: “This concept resonates because so many people – especially those with unresolved trauma – are desperate for deep connection, but aren’t sure how to build it safely.”
What is Floodlighting?
Kobil defines floodlighting as “when someone shares highly personal, often emotional, details about themselves early on in a relationship, before trust and intimacy have been established”.
Sarah Hodges, LMFT and Therapy Network Manager at Headspace, agrees.
She links the trend to shifts in online culture:
“I’ve seen this happening in dating where someone really wants to connect, so they share something deeply personal right away with the hope that it will create closeness.
“Unfortunately, in some cases instead of bonding, it can catch the other person off guard and create pressure instead of connection.”
Social media, particularly TikTok, has normalised oversharing, but that doesn’t translate well to real-life dating.
Hodges adds: “I think more people are starting to notice the impact.”
Kobil says: “This sharing can feel like a shortcut to closeness, but it often overwhelms the listener, making the connection feel intense but unsteady.
“Unlike intentional vulnerability, which unfolds over time and is reciprocal, floodlighting tends to be one-sided and can sometimes push the other person away.”
Why does it Happen?
Floodlighting isn’t usually malicious. In fact, it often stems from good intentions and a longing for intimacy.
But Hodges suggests it’s frequently rooted in anxious attachment styles.
She explains: “Some people don’t even realise that they are doing it.
“Sometimes it’s a way to test a new partner’s emotional availability [such as by] someone bringing up childhood trauma or deep insecurities on a first or second date, hoping for reassurance.”
While vulnerability can be powerful, timing matters.
Hodges says: “Yes, vulnerability is great.
“But relationships thrive when both people open up at a more natural pace once a secure emotional foundation is in place.”
Emotional Risks
Oversharing too early may give the illusion of closeness, but it doesn’t guarantee emotional safety.
Hodges says: “Instead of letting trust develop naturally, it’s like skipping ahead to the most intense part of a relationship before the foundation is there.”
Even when the intention is connection, the result can be pressure.
For the listener, it can feel like being emotionally ambushed, expected to respond with empathy and vulnerability before feeling ready.
How to Avoid Floodlighting?
Like any common dating mistake, floodlighting can be unlearned. The first step? Recognise the impulse and pause.
Kobil recommends a simple question:
“Am I sharing this to build connection, or am I looking for reassurance?”
She says therapy, especially trauma-focused approaches like EMDR or IFS, can help people develop emotional safety. That way, vulnerability is shared, not unloaded.
Hodges reminds clients to think of connection as a slow build.
She says: “Slowing down and letting trust build over time makes for stronger, healthier relationships.
“Date one should feel like a conversation, not a therapy session.”
Whether you’re dating in your twenties or rediscovering love later in life, there’s a lesson here: intimacy isn’t instant.
And when it comes to love, a little patience often leads to stronger foundations, and fewer awkward overshares.
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