"It’s selfish. It shows a lack of emotional maturity"
A new toxic dating trend known as “Banksying” is leaving people blindsided and heartbroken.
The name is derived from the elusive street artist Banksy, known for art that seems to pop up out of nowhere and often comes with a cryptic twist.
Emma Hathorn, a relationship expert at Seeking.com, said:
“Banksying is something that we have all experienced at one point or another.
“Previously, there hasn’t been a way to express that subtle feeling of dread when a partner has begun to pull away, essentially icing us out.
“Emotionally manipulative, emotionally distant – there are plenty of ways that people have tried to define it.”
The dating phenomenon involves one of the partners in a relationship being blindsided by a sudden and unexpected dumping that’s been planned by the other for weeks or even months, often using AI and online communities for advice on how to execute this.
The name reflects both the stealthy nature of the withdrawal and the eventual emotional destruction it causes.
Experts say it’s a particularly cruel form of emotional manipulation.
Amy Chan, a dating coach and author of Breakup Bootcamp: The Science of Rewiring Your Heart, said:
“Banksying happens more now, especially with the proliferation of dating apps, where people have developed poor dating etiquette.
“The person withdrawing gets the ability to process the breakup on their own terms, before they hand the memo to the other person, who ends up being in total shock.
“It’s selfish. It shows a lack of emotional maturity and a way of dealing with conflict that is rooted in avoidance.”
Banksying happened to Rhiannon, who had been dating Amir for nearly a year before he abruptly ended their relationship.
Rhiannon revealed: “I was beyond upset but what really tipped me over was when my friends saw Amir on TikTok (he blocked me), explaining to his followers how he’d done it.
“He’d basically been withdrawing from the relationship for over six months using advice from ChatGPT and his online ‘bro’ workout communities, so he was prepared for the emotional fallout.
“I wasn’t, and all the commenters online were laughing at me and congratulating him on his ‘strategy’. I threw up when I saw it.”
What makes the experience so painful, according to Chan, is its ambiguity.
She explained: “They might not be using their words to tell you, but their actions are.
“They might lie and say everything is ‘fine’ but you also have to exert that you’re not ‘fine’ because you can pick up the cues of emotional distance.
“Don’t gaslight yourself into thinking it’s OK to sweep the cold behaviour under the rug just because they’re saying everything is fine, but acting in a way that’s completely the opposite.”
Unlike ghosting, where the partner disappears entirely, Banksying keeps the illusion of a functioning relationship intact until the break-up. That makes it harder to identify and even harder to process emotionally.
Hathorn said: “Banksying leaves daters feeling stressed, confused and gaslit.
“Often, the person on the receiving end can sense something is wrong, but their partner keeps assuring them everything is fine.”
Relationship experts say the trend points to a wider breakdown in emotional communication and dating etiquette.
Chan continued:
“It does highlight how conflict-avoidant people have become.”
“It seems like there’s less of an ability to tolerate uncomfortable emotions and hard conversations, so instead of dealing with the relationship challenges, or feeling the guilt of a breakup, people end up causing more harm by dragging things out.”
The solution is honest and open communication, even when it’s difficult.
Hathorn said: “Modern dating is in desperate need of blunt honesty.
“Being upfront, firm but polite shows that you know what you want and are unwilling to waste your time and a potential partner’s time.”
Chan agreed: “The solution is to practice open and honest communication, even when doing so feels uncomfortable.”
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