"Pre-marital sex should be a choice."
Desi millennials grapple with deep-rooted socio-cultural expectations when it comes to sex and sexuality.
Thus, those from Pakistani, Indian and Bangladeshi backgrounds can struggle with issues encompassing pre-marital sex.
Pre-marital sex is a topic deeply entrenched in stigma and pushed to the shadows within South Asian communities.
But what are Desi millennials’ attitudes to pre-marital sex?
Desi millennials, also known as Gen Y, are generally identified as those born between 1981 and 1996.
Millennials are more exposed to global ideas than previous generations. Their experiences and thoughts often blend and reflect navigating, for example, traditional values with modern norms.
In the diaspora, like in the UK, Desi millennials are often second or third-generation, facing the complex challenge of balancing two worlds and cultures.
While traditional values remain influential, globalisation, increased access to information, and different ideas reshape beliefs and attitudes.
The struggle in attitudes and actions around pre-marital sex can lie in navigating modern values with socio-cultural and religious obligations and ideals.
DESIblitz explores what Desi millennials think about pre-marital sex.
Navigating Socio-Cultural & Religious Expectations
Socio-cultural and religious ideals and expectations can influence sexual behaviour among Desi millennials.
At times, these expectations are transmitted through the family and community rather than being directly embraced by Desi millennials.
Societal expectations rooted in modesty, family honour and reputation (izzat) remain deeply ingrained.
Religions like Islam, Hinduism, and Sikhism traditionally advocate abstinence before marriage. This expectation affects men and women, though women often face stricter scrutiny and policing.
British Pakistani Rehna, who is 34, stated:
“My faith means I would never have sex outside marriage. Have I got desires? Yes, but no, I wouldn’t. Anyone who practices their faith should be the same.
“One reason I am considering marrying in the next year or two. But won’t do anything haram [forbidden].”
In contrast, Mariam, 42, another British Pakistani, expressed a different perspective:
“Pre-marital sex was taboo when I was young and still is. It shouldn’t be like that.”
“I had no clue what I was getting into, and it was an arranged marriage when I was 18.
“Everyone has a right to make their own decision, but it’s important to know if you are compatible in that way.
“For many, what I’m saying is haram, and I’ve turned too Western, but it is what it is. I had sex with my second husband before marriage.
“I’ve told my kids, son and daughter, that their choice is theirs, but I think being intimate with a partner should be a non-issue.
“Both kids are in their early twenties and date. My daughter is active, and son is not. It’s not hidden.”
For Mariam, discussions about sex remain taboo in many South Asian households. This silence leads to a lack of knowledge and reinforces feelings of guilt and shame for those who go against socio-cultural and religious norms.
In turn, 30-year-old British Bangladeshi Minaz* told DESIblitz:
“I have dated and done things like kissing, but I didn’t have sex before marriage. I was too scared my parents would find out.
“It’s why I married at 22. Kept it mostly halal with my boyfriend, although having a boyfriend was not allowed.
“It’s the same for my younger cousins, at least the girls.
“Bengalis are conservative when it comes to pre-marital sex for girls. If it happens, parents never to know, at least in my family.
“Boys, nothing said about what they do, but they wouldn’t get the same nightmare if parents knew.
“For lots of Asian women like me, the decision isn’t just about what we personally want.”
Minaz’s experience highlights how cultural expectations shape personal choices. Despite romantic relationships, she prioritised marriage at a young age to align with socio-cultural and religious norms.
Some Desi Millennials negotiate personal desires with socio-cultural restrictions and ideals, seeking a middle ground that allows them to maintain some autonomy while minimising the risk of conflict and disapproval.
Desi Millennials on Gendered Double Standards
Gendered expectations persist across South Asian communities. Men often face fewer restrictions regarding sexual behaviour, while women endure greater scrutiny.
This double standard can place immense pressure on Desi women to maintain their family’s honour.
Hence, the ongoing policing of female sexuality and desire and the positioning of the two as dangerous.
Jas (nickname), who is Bangladeshi and 32, revealed:
“Yeah, I have [had pre-marital sex]; most guys do, it’s normal.
“The rules are different for girls. I’m guessing my parents knew about me but said nothing.
“A girl having sex or sleeping around loads before marriage is going to have a bad name. It shouldn’t be like it is, but it is.
“But inside couples, it can be different. I know my fiancee has slept with her ex, but that’s it. I wouldn’t want someone who had been with as many people as me.”
Though subject to cultural expectations, Desi men generally experience more freedom regarding relationships and sex. The imbalance highlights the persistent gender inequality embedded in many South Asian societies.
However, things have shifted for some Asian women.
Thirty-year-old Indian Canadian Rupinder* said:
“Most of my family have been in long-term relationships before marrying, some eight years plus.
“We don’t talk about our sex lives, but most of us are active.”
“It’s just not flaunted or discussed, and I think it’s that way for most. Nothing wrong with enjoying sex outside marriage.”
Moreover, 31-year-old British Indian Gujarati Adam* asserted:
“The double standard is still there, but it doesn’t mean I follow it.
“I haven’t always been practising when it comes to religion, so yeah, I did. How can I judge my partner for doing what I did?
“Now I’m practising, and she is. We will raise our children to see it as part of marriage and hope they follow that.
“What we won’t do is not talk about sex and safety, as age appropriate. That’s where we feel our parents went wrong.
“It was sex before marriage bad, the end.
“No discussions, no acknowledgement that feelings and bodies change and experience things.
“But from a religious point of view, talking about sex is not wrong, and sex within marriage is seen as important.”
Desi Millennials & Pre-Marital Sex: Tensions Continue
For many South Asian millennials, the topic of pre-marital sex can trigger tension between ideas of choice, socio-cultural and religious values and consideration of family.
A strong gendered lens continues to frame pre-marital sex as more taboo for women than men, as Jas and Adam highlight.
In turn, family plays a significant role in shaping perspectives on relationships and intimacy.
Parents, influenced by generations of cultural traditions and religious values, may view pre-marital sex as taboo.
For some millennials like Minaz, fear of pre-marital sex and parental reactions led her to marry young to align with cultural and religious expectations.
For other individuals like Rehna, her faith leads her to see pre-marital sex as a sin, making it unthinkable.
Nevertheless, the words of, for example, Mariam, Rupinder and Adam show that pre-marital sex occurs. Some, like Mariam, are actively questioning and challenging the taboo around pre-marital sex.
Mariam stated: “Pre-marital sex should be a choice.
“Not a choice influenced by fear or guilt about what family or community will say, think or do.”
“Sex for Asians in general is still a massively uncomfortable topic, seen as dirty, and that needs changing.”
The influence of family, tradition, and religion often remains a significant force in shaping how South Asian millennials view pre-marital sex.
Family expectations, where cultural honour and fear of disapproval continue to shape personal choices, especially for women.
The perspectives and experiences shared here by Desi millennials highlight the complex and multifaceted standpoints on pre-marital sex.
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