My Girlfriend wants a threesome with another guy but I don’t. What should I do?
Having a threesome is considered to be one of the top three sexual fantasies for men and for women. Stop there for a minute and re-read that sentence and note the word fantasy.
A fantasy is something for the imagination and in general, doesn’t need to be acted out to be achieved. In fact, once it’s acted out it is no longer a fantasy.
It is totally okay to want to explore and act out sexual fantasies and it is totally okay to not want to also. I think this couple needs to have a frank discussion about what they want and their sexual limits. It is possible that they are not well suited.
It is also possible that they could engage in kink, roleplay or other sexual activities which don’t involve a third party in order to get their sexual needs met.
I’m curious does this Desi girl want a threesome or does she want to have sex with another man, does she have a man in mind? Would she be equally as happy if the third person was a woman instead of a man? Would she be happy to watch her partner enjoy another woman?
These are important questions which must be answered before progressing.
A safe threesome would be a sexual agreement which is mutual, meaning both people in the couple are enjoying someone else in their sexual dynamic.
A threesome in this way could be successful, especially if the third person is someone outside of their friendship group, perhaps someone they source online. In this situation, the third person is essentially a living sex toy for the pleasure of the couple.
Inviting a ‘friend’ into your bedroom because one of you fancies them feels quite risky.
In this scenario, there is a real risk that the couple will stop behaving like a couple and that one member of the couple will feel left out and possibly jealous of the sexual chemistry between the other two. The third person can potentially become an equal player in the relationship, creating uncertainty as to who has power and preference.
It is important for the guy to be clear with his partner that he feels that entering a threesome could damage their relationship, which he feels is special and could become more serious if that’s what he has in mind.
If the girl doesn’t agree, perhaps they should consider whether or not they are compatible.
We are all different, there is no right or wrong way to experience our sexuality. The reality of acting out a sexual fantasy can be hugely damaging to the relationship if carried out without forethought.
Most people are only thinking about how it will be for them, in the moment, but not how it will impact their relationship or their partner from the experience.
For example, for the couple in question, the girl is only thinking about how it will feel for her to experience two men in the bedroom.
However, it seems her partner will not enjoy the experience and will consequently struggle to maintain a healthy attachment to her. He will begin to doubt himself and her commitment to him.
This is a sure way to quickly bring this relationship to an end.
To bring a fantasy into reality both partners must be:
- emotionally robust, that is, be clear about their commitment to one another and completely trust the other to not abandon them in the experience.
- clear about the boundaries i.e. who will be the third person, will either or both parties have contact with the third person after the experience, if so does this have to be disclosed.
- clear about what can and cannot happen in the experience e.g. in the above scenario would sexual contact between the two men be okay? I’m presuming so as it’s a ‘threesome’, but clarity before-hand would be useful.
- interested in a mutual experience rather than looking for an excuse to have a bit on the side or seeking out a new partner.
- secure about yourself and your sexual capacity.
Of course, if you are not really bothered about maintaining your current relationship and it is just about fun, go ahead without a discussion, but be warned that with no agreed boundaries there is no safety.
My experience has shown that both parties rarely have the fun experience they were looking for. Usually, one or the other person is left with difficult feelings about having a threesome.
Lohani Noor is an experienced empathic psychotherapist with a special interest in psychosexual therapies. She is resident at the Manchester Institute for Psychotherapy in Chorlton Manchester. Lohani works with individuals and couples covering a wide range of difficulties. She also offers long term group therapy. Details regarding Lohani and her practice can be found on this website.
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