Are Live-In Relationships still Taboo for British South Asians?

When discussing live-in relationships within the British South Asian community, it does not take long for others to silence them.

Although this aspect of dating has progressed over the years, it still remains an area that is not spoken about openly.

“What will people say?” is a common phrase used for several such practices.

The fear of being shunned by society has plagued multiple generations resulting in individuals refraining from actions that could result in them being excluded by their family and community.

In South Asian countries, it can be frowned upon.

India’s Chhattisgarh High Court said people “prefer” live-in relationships over marriage because it “provides a convenient escape when things fail to work between partners”.

But the court added that it does not provide the security, social acceptance, progress and stability which the institution of marriage does.

In April 2024, veteran star Zeenat Aman promoted live-in relationships before marriage, leading to a divided response.

Many fellow stars have supported her comments and in the UK, more couples are choosing to live together before marriage, including British Asians.

But is it still taboo in the community?

What did Zeenat Aman Say?

In an Instagram post, Zeenat wrote:

“If you’re in a relationship, I strongly recommend that you live together before getting married!

“This is the same advice I’ve always given my sons, both of whom have had or are in a live-in relationship.

“It just seems logical to me that before two people get their families and the government involved in their equation, they first put their relationship to the ultimate test.

“It’s easy to be the best version of yourself for a few hours a day.

“But can you share a bathroom? Weather the storm of a bad mood?

“Agree on what to eat for dinner every night? Keep the fire alive in the bedroom?

“Work through the million tiny conflicts that inevitably arise between two people in close proximity?

“In short – are you actually compatible?

“I’m aware that Indian society is a little uptight about ‘living in sin’, but then again, society is uptight about so many things!”

Although the likes of Mumtaz disagreed with the comments, many supported Zeenat.

Megha Sharma said: “Living together before marriage is a great idea because it helps you understand if you can adjust with each other’s habits and preferences.

“You’re two different people with different likes and dislikes, such as cleanliness habits.

“Small differences like these can lead to conflicts in a relationship, which are often about small things rather than big issues.

“To avoid these clashes, living together and sorting things out beforehand is much better.

“Nowadays, divorce rates are increasing, and it’s essential to know your partner well before committing for a lifetime.

“It’s important to prioritise our mental peace over societal norms, as ultimately, our happiness matters the most.

“Families might have their opinions, but the decision to marry or live together should be solely ours, considering compatibility is important.”

Somy Ali said she “100% supported” Zeenat’s comments, saying: “It helps in bringing down divorce rates.”

There is a progression in both South Asia and the UK when it comes to live-in relationships. However, it remains a polarising subject.

Traditions

Traditionally, British Asians have been influenced by conservative values and cultural norms that support and have practised arranged marriages.

These marriages were often regarded as the foundation of family and societal stability, representing the union of two individuals as well as their entire families.

Despite having only met a few times, the man and woman were expected to marry and commit their lives to raising a family.

They also faced intense scrutiny from their families.

For Priya*, she adhered to traditions and had no problem with it but issues arose with her younger sister.

The 36-year-old said: “My parents got me married at a young age as they were of traditional beliefs.

“I had no problem as I always wanted to get married and raise my own kids, I was never ambitious when it came to making a career.

“It was, however, a problem for my younger sister who is a career-oriented, modern British Asian woman.”

“Our parents were disappointed because even after repeated attempts they could not convince her to get married to a man of their choice.

“She instead went on to focus on her career and is happily in a relationship with someone, which only I am aware of within the family.”

Have Attitudes really Changed?

For British South Asians, there has been a notable shift in attitudes toward relationships in recent times.

This change can be attributed to several factors, including increased exposure to Western culture, values, and lifestyles, higher education levels and greater economic independence among young adults.

However, this does not mean that these changes are universally accepted.

Due to their strong religious beliefs and value systems, first-generation family members are far from considering live-in relationships acceptable.

A specific aspect is sex, which is rarely discussed in the British Asian community. Meanwhile, sex before marriage is frowned upon.

In a 2018 Metro article, Taran Bassi said:

“A common practice for many first-generation immigrants entering a strange new culture is to cling on to their own cultural practices because to sacrifice tradition means losing a part of their selves.

“Such coping mechanisms may be appropriate for those first arriving in Britain, but for second and third-generation British Asians who consider themselves fully assimilated and ingrained into British culture, the pressure of adhering to such traditions leads to the feeling that we are leading a double life.”

Simran* echoed these sentiments: “It’s (sex) not easy to talk about amongst family members, especially the older generation, they’re always saying it should be discussed between husband and wife behind closed doors.

“I’m British Indian and I moved in with my boyfriend’s family in the summer of 2020.

“My family are aware of this and there haven’t been any objections or comments made.”

However, many continue to lead a ‘double life’.

This includes dating multiple partners, having sex outside marriage and entering into live-in relationships that their parents or relatives are not aware of.

This is the case for Hassan*, who is in a live-in interracial relationship.

He said: “There is no way I can tell my parents that I am in a live-in relationship.

“The stakes are too high and I don’t know how badly they will react to this.”

“For now, I am comfortable living in another city, away from my family so that no one knows about it.”

Explaining the difficulty of introducing his girlfriend to his Muslim family, he added:

“They will never accept it. They will never approve of me dating anyone, let alone a white girl.”

A More Independent Generation

Things are changing as the current generation of British Asians is more educated and independent than previous ones.

They can make their own choices and no longer rely on family approval.

As a result, live-in relationships are gradually being accepted as a viable alternative to marriage.

Young people today often prioritise personal happiness, compatibility and emotional connection in their relationships, sometimes valuing these factors more than societal or familial expectations.

Exposure to Western culture through media, social media, travel and social interactions has fostered a more open-minded approach to relationships and lifestyle choices.

British Asians come from diverse cultural backgrounds, leading to a greater acceptance of various relationship styles within the community.

Being in a live-in relationship has its advantages as it allows couples to thoroughly assess their compatibility before making long-term commitments.

Zara* says:

“My experience has been fairly positive, it’s made me and my boyfriend realise we do want to stay together.”

Couples in live-in relationships often enjoy greater personal freedom and independence compared to married couples.

They can pursue individual interests and career goals more easily, without feeling pressured to fulfill traditional ‘marriage duties’.

Additionally, cohabitation allows couples to share living expenses, alleviating financial burdens and making saving money and investing in their future easier.

This is the case for Meera*, who says:

“In my case, my boyfriend and I share all living costs, and that has really helped me feel less stressed out as a student.

“He also makes sure that we pay all our bills on time so I don’t have to worry about that either.”

For some couples, they are an opportunity to delay marriage until they are emotionally and financially stable, which can lead to more satisfying unions later in life.

Despite the benefits, many British Asian families uphold traditional values staunchly and may oppose the concept of live-in relationships, resulting in family disputes and social exclusion.

Furthermore, couples in live-in arrangements lack the same legal rights as married couples.

This can pose challenges during separations, child custody matters, property disagreements or inheritance disputes.

Another drawback of live-in relationships is the absence of formal commitment, which may fuel uncertainty about the future and contribute to stress or insecurity for one or both partners.

Despite the changing attitudes, some members of the British Asian community still oppose live-in relationships.

For Zain*, he was ostracised by his family after they discovered he had secretly been in a live-in relationship.

He said: “It was hard for me and my girlfriend.

“My family threatened to tell her parents about it because she is from a conservative Muslim family.”

Unfortunately, this is the reality in some British Asian households where even after being exposed to a different culture, the mindset remains very orthodox, creating a sense of fear among the youth.

Live-in relationships have progressed within the British Asian community, mirroring shifting values, growing independence and changing cultural standards.

There are numerous benefits to living with a partner before marriage, like testing compatibility in a closer setting, enjoying more personal autonomy and achieving financial stability.

However, couples may also face challenges related to family expectations, legal entitlements, social marginalisation and uncertainty about the relationship’s future.

Ultimately, the present-day acceptance of live-in relationships highlights the importance of allowing people to make their own decisions and pursue what brings them happiness.

Achieving success in this regard involves finding a balance between cultural traditions and the evolving customs of contemporary society, allowing each person to follow the path that aligns most with their personal desires and aspirations.