Sex is about intimacy and love. It should never make you feel bad.
You know when it will be the right time for you to have sex. If you are unsure, then you are not ready.
If you are scared or looking to get permission from someone then that might mean you’re not ready. The only person who can make the decision is yourself.
You should definitely not be coerced or forced into having sex if you are not ready or certain, as this would be classed as rape or sexual assault.
If you are ready and happy to proceed then you may want to know what happens when you do have sex for the first time.
Will you feel guilty after? Is your partner the one you really want and trust?
It could be that your first time, is on your wedding night, as it is for many of those who have an arranged marriage.
In this article, we will try to make you feel more at ease and answer some questions that first-timers might have.
Fear of Losing Virginity
Whether you are with a trusted partner or newly married, losing your virginity is probably something you’re going to remember for the rest of your life.
Society has put such emphasis on this first moment of deep intimacy that it’s impossible to think of it in any other way.
Will you change after? The answer is – no. You will still be yourself.
What you will ‘lose’ as such is your virginity. But once you are ready to lose it because you are ready, you will have not ‘lost’ anything.
If you are truly ready for it, you will come out on the other side having gained something.
The interesting thing about having sex for the first time is realising how human and like us the other person is. There is no loss in that – only gain.
We have to realise that our partner, like us, is probably full of insecurities and expectations.
Expectations from themselves, not from you.
It’s easy to forget that in moments of stress and uncertainty, especially in a situation when we feel like we just have to look good and do everything absolutely perfectly, it’s easy to forget what’s really important: love and intimacy.
So, forget about expectations and whatever you have seen in romantic movies or on the internet. Forget about porn, cartoons, strange representations of women and realistic looking sex dolls – everything that society has invented to make sex work if you’re alone.
Forget about the outside world because, in this special moment, it’s only you and your partner. And whatever happens, will be between the two of you.
If you have doubts about any of this – then maybe one of you isn’t quite ready for the sexual experience yet.
Do not be ridiculed or mocked about your virginity. If it is something you feel you want to keep intact for the right person, you have every right to do so.
Pride and Prejudice
Shame, confusion, fear and anxiety – if you feel any of those things, stop what you’re doing and think about why you feel forced to do something you’re not comfortable with.
Sex is about intimacy and love. It should never make you feel bad. And if it makes you feel bad, that means there’s something very wrong.
Sometimes we don’t love ourselves enough. We are hard on ourselves. We expect a lot.
If a relationship you’re in is toxic and wrong, the chances are that you will not feel good about it after having sex with that person.
If you feel pressured, don’t do it. And if you do, realise it’s not your fault. That what matters is tomorrow.
If you have made a mistake, don’t let that mistake define you – let it be a lesson. And we all know that education can be very expensive sometimes.
Sometimes we do things that we don’t want in order to please others. But sex should never be one of those things.
It’s different for men and women of course – culturally, it’s still deemed not acceptable to have sex before you are married, especially if you are a woman.
We are a traditional society with rules that are strong and hard to break, despite Indian mythology being full of women who had premarital sex.
Could it be a bigger issue in modern times than it was in the ancient world that’s shrouded in legends and history? That is the question.
Pain and Anxiety
While anxiety and pain things should never be directly associated with sex, they often are.
Pain – especially for women can be a real thing.
The female body is built to have children and to go through things that many men could not even begin to imagine. Therefore, pain during sex for the first time is something that you as a woman are naturally able to survive.
This is why you need a partner whom you can trust completely, and who listens to you. Especially, if you do feel the pain is not bearable.
Pain and bleeding are something many women fear when it comes to having sex for the first time.
Whilst patriarchal methods are still practised in orthodox villages in India to check if the bride was a virgin by inspecting the bedsheets for blood, it is not always the case that a woman will bleed profusely after the first sexual act.
Do not be alarmed if this happens, as it is perfectly natural.
The pain experienced by the woman is usually the tearing of the hymen (a very thin membrane of skin covering the entrance to the vagina) when she has sex for the first time.
However, the hymen can easily break before having sex for the first time due to sports like horse riding and the use of tampons.
Therefore, having sex for the first time may or may not result in this happening. It very much depends on the act and how it is experienced.
Sex for the first time should be an enjoyable experience. One for which you are completely ready and open. But anxiety about having sex for the first time is a natural feeling.
The best way to address anxiety is to speak about your concerns to your partner or friends who have experienced sex and feel at ease.
Some people say that if it’s your first time, the woman should lead. Why? Because she’s the one that needs to feel the most secure and comfortable. If she is, then the chance of pain and anxiety of occurring is minimal.
However, for many, this is not always the case. So, when the man is taking the lead, you still need to be fully comfortable with it.
It should be noted that pain can also be experienced by a man if he is a virgin too. Although it will not be the same as what a woman may feel.
The Heart and the Brain
If you know you are ready for sex and are anticipating your first sexual encounter, you have nothing to worry about – or do you?
If you are only beginning what will hopefully become a lifetime sexual journey, chances are that you don’t want to have kids right away.
There are a few ways of stopping pregnancy. Unfortunately, if you don’t have a steady partner, there is only one way of preventing sexually transmitted diseases – condoms.
Condoms are a big taboo because some people might take the request to use them the wrong way.
It might sound like you’re telling your partner that you don’t trust them. But the fact is that unless they have been tested and everything is in the clear (and who does that between changing partners in the real world?) you just don’t know – and neither do they.
Out of respect for you, they should have no problem putting on a condom, especially if they have had sexual partners in the past.
It’s no shame. It’s letting your brain take control of the situation after your heart has told you to jump right in.
Condoms are the safest when you look at unwanted pregnancy and STDs.
If you are absolutely sure your partner is in optimal health, and the only thing you have to worry about is becoming pregnant before you want to, (a lot of young married couples opt for this while they concentrate on their careers or schooling) there are more options open to you.
Among married women in India, contraceptive use has jumped from 13% in 1970 to almost 50% in 2009. This is an impressive number and helped a lot of families plan better for their
kids’ education, upbringing, and financial needs.
There are always developments in contraception. One example is Depo-Provera, a drug which is a progestin-only hormonal contraceptive and is given to women using an injection.
The great thing about Depo-Provera is that after you get one shot it starts acting immediately and is active for three months. You don’t have to worry about remembering to take a pill or deal with having an IUD placed by a gynaecologist.
In other cases, the pill is the preferred method of birth control. IUDs also contain hormones that affect the uterus, and Mirena actually helps to control bleeding if your period is very heavy.
In India, the patch is also available in a lot of areas and is becoming more popular. The only downside is someone noticing a “band-aid” on your skin and asking about it.
While you can choose whatever form of birth control best suits your needs, unless you are married, the condom is recommended, even if you are using another type of birth control like the pill or IUD.
Be yourself. And let your partner do the same. If you feel any pressure or doubt, trust yourself and wait.
Sex is a tricky subject in today’s society, and in order to make the right choices, you have to look inwards.
This might mean your choices will be different depending on where you were raised, how traditional your family is and if you have access to the right kind of contraceptives.
Wherever and whoever you are, remember to let your decision for having sex for the first time be entirely yours; while you enjoy the experience with someone you feel completely comfortable with.