"It's quite hardcore and takes a lot of practice"
Intimacy in a relationship doesn’t have to be just intercourse. There are various sex acts that Desi people enjoy but cannot be too vocal about.
Whilst things such as fetishes and sex toys are widely acknowledged, certain doings are considered ‘taboo’.
This is more prevalent in South Asian communities. Discussions around sex are still minimal so talking about kinks or sexual acts is a no-go.
Consensual and legal sex is not taboo in itself but society has attached a stigma to deeds such as BDSM, public sex, and anal play. But why?
Everyone has certain tastes and interests, especially when it comes to something as personal as sex.
What one may consider uncomfortable or ‘taboo’ may be much-loved by someone else, and vice versa.
And, South Asian people engage in the wide spectrum of sex just as much as any other community or culture.
So, DESIblitz spoke to some Desi people to hear about the most popular ‘taboo’ sex acts that they enjoy.
One of the most popular sex acts is swinging, otherwise known as “partner-swapping”.
It’s an activity where those in a committed and open relationship have sex with other couples.
Some engage in this type of deed for better quality sex and heightened levels of intimacy between them and their partner.
However one can see why this would be a taboo in Desi communities because sexually entertaining another person, let alone another couple, is almost forbidden.
But, Harvey Singh* from Birmingham told DESIblitz how swinging is healthy:
“Me and my wife have been married for over nine years and only recently got into swinging. We were just curious about it and the first time we went, we felt uncomfortable.
“But there was a level of interest there and over a few weeks, we started to get intimate with other people, as well as each other.
“The excitement both of us got was next level. I mean the sex was incredible and it has been ever since.”
“It’s made me appreciate my wife much more, sexually and emotionally.”
It seems swinging can not only be a release for couples but also maintain and improve a relationship.
Public sex is another act that couples do because of the thrill and excitement that comes with it.
For some people, the idea of getting caught or being in a place that is quite crowded brings an element of risk that you cannot get with normal sex.
Additionally, public sex doesn’t always have to be intercourse. It can be oral sex, foreplay, or even passionate kissing.
Gurwinder Kaur*, a 23-year-old from Leicester explains why public sex is so enjoyable:
“I love having that chance that you can get caught. In most cases, people won’t see you ’cause you’ll be somewhere public but not entirely exposed.
“I’ve had sex on the stairs at my apartment complex which was amazing. It was 3 am and we weren’t there for hours.
“But in those five or ten minutes, I had about four orgasms. More Asian people need to do it in my opinion.”
It’s important to mention that public sex or anything of that nature should always be done in a safe and legal place. But, it shows how enjoyable it is for Desi people.
BDSM stands for bondage, discipline, dominance, and submission, and is a major turn-on for a lot of folks.
This is one of the more intense sex acts as it involves the sensation of having a submissive and dominating partner. However, it’s a much-loved kink for couples.
BDSM is a whole spectrum of sexual activity. It can involve things like slapping, biting, handcuffs, latex, masks and much more.
In some drastic cases, couples use a safeword to shout in case things get too heated and they need a time out. Due to this heightened level of passion, BDSM is considered taboo.
But, DESIblitz spoke to Mariam Rai*, a married woman from London who has been experimenting with BDSM ever since she married:
“My husband loves to be dominated by me.”
“He enjoys it when I wear saucy outfits and tie him up with rope or something a bit harsher on the wrists.
“It’s quite hardcore and takes a lot of practice to get to know what we both like. We use a lot of sex toys like clamps and dildos.”
“We also take it in turns to blindfold each other and that heightens our senses so much. It’s incredible.”
Whilst BDSM is rougher, this is definitely a sex act enjoyed by many Desi couples who crave control and pleasure.
Cuckolding is a term given to a husband or man who enjoys seeing his wife or partner commit adultery.
It’s another sex act similar to BDSM which takes a lot of trust between one another as it’s basically a woman cheating on her partner.
However, as long as the fetish does not damage the relationship then many people find it exciting.
It also fits into a type of humiliation fetish where individuals find it pleasurable to see their spouse enjoying someone else’s advances.
Harkesh Rai*, a 30-year-old mechanic from Birmingham, reveals why he is into cuckolding:
“Not going to lie, it started off with porn first. They have cuckold categories and it always turned me on.
“I have a girlfriend and told her about this which she was open to. It’s kind of a win-win because she gets to climax with someone and I do too watching her.
“Luckily, we’re still able to have intimate sex and when we do, it’s way more passionate and intense.
“I’ve been with girls before, especially Asian ones, who get put off by it.”
As long as cuckolding is done with consent, then there is nothing to fear. As previously mentioned, someone’s enjoyment is not fit for all.
In previous times, dressing up would have been for women. Wearing lingerie remains one of the biggest turn-ons but now more men are getting into it.
Wearing men’s lingerie is still a relatively new thing but a lot of males enjoy wearing something feminine.
In some cases, husbands and boyfriends also like wearing their partner’s underwear as it gives them a certain thrill. Likewise, some women get excited by that.
However, dressing up in certain garments like leather ensembles or latex boxers is taboo. Not only for Desi men but for men in general.
They’re highly unlikely to discuss what “sexy panties” to buy with their mates.
But, this kind of kink happens and needs to be less stigmatised.
DESIblitz spoke to three British Asian males and all denied wearing lingerie for their partners.
However, they all did admit that they had desires to wear something racy like lace or leather underwear.
Anal play can cause all types of stimulation for both men and women.
Although sex acts relating to anal play are more accepted than they were before, there’s still a reluctance to admit people engage in it.
For men, it’s harder to admit that they like to be aroused via that route even though their ‘G spot’ is located there.
Portia Brown, Director and Content Creator at Froetic Sexology states:
“I think we have to become less squeamish and more educated when it comes to anal play and sex.
“Part of the reason this remains taboo is a lack of knowledge around how to do it painlessly and pleasurably.”
Lilly and Juggy Dandar*, a couple from Bradford, expanded on Portia’s statements:
“We both love anal play and sex acts that are new and exciting. We both play with each other around there and it gives us both different types of orgasms.
“There are a lot of people who do it but deny it when it comes to open discussion. Even with Desi people, they need to be more free about their sexual urges and desires.
“It’s okay to enjoy every inch of your partner and get them going, no matter if it’s anal, oral, BDSM, rimming etc.”
This shows how popular anal play is becoming and how more advocates are coming forward in its support.
Extreme or hardcore sex is similar to BDSM but is much more focused on forceful behaviour.
Things like whips, heel stamping, and pegging are elements of extreme sex. Again, these sex acts have safewords because of how extreme they can be.
In some cases, degrading your partner is a form of extreme sex where they are mocked for certain physical or emotional traits.
Again, this is a type of fetish that not everyone will have but for some people, it gets them going.
In other scenarios, partners can use sex toys like strap-ons, food, and knives to use during coitus. The knives are merely used as a prop, used to control someone as part of a fantasy.
This type of sex is highly shunned in the Desi community because of its high level of passion and intensity.
Simran Bhumra*, a 39-year-old mother from Leeds states that she cannot find a husband who can understand these desires. Therefore, she has been with multiple partners who all fulfill her extreme sexual urges:
“I’ve been arranged to a couple of people before and once they learn of this fetish, they instantly get turned off.
“Whenever I’ve told men to do certain things, they get so weirded out. They almost go into a state of shock.
“It’s like I know how much porn these guys have watched and then when I want some more passion, they think I’m speaking another language.
“Normal sex is fine, but people are into different things and the way to get me to orgasm is this. I can’t just lay there pretending to enjoy something I don’t.
“Hardcore sex acts are definitely a stigma, in any culture. It’s like there’s an idea that those who enjoy it are goths or emos.
“But trust me, some of the parties I’ve been to and the amount of Indians, Pakistanis, etc into this thing are high.
“It’s sad that we can’t all embrace each other’s desires coming from the background we do.”
These sex acts not only highlight how many elements are under the sexual umbrella, but how many Desi couples and individuals are into different levels of intimacy.
Whether it’s anal play, extreme sex, or cuckolding, a lot of South Asian people are embracing their urges.
However, there’s still secrecy to what they do behind closed doors and they rarely admit to what they get up to, even with close friends.
Whilst enjoying these sex acts in secret is fine, more should be done to normalise sexual activity and forms of intercourse.