"I hate an overreacting woman, I can't deal with it"
Over the decades, British Asian men always wanted certain characteristics in the women they date or marry.
Some of these qualities, especially years back, were stereotypical towards women and men normally wanted them to be stay-at-home wives, looking after the house and kids.
However, as society and culture have become more inclusive of women and their rights, have the traits that British Asian men look for also changed?
Do they want women similar to them? Are they wanting more independent women? Do they care about family values anymore?
In order to understand this further, DESIblitz spoke to some British Asian men to see what qualities they look for and why.
One of the most overwhelming qualities men were looking for and still resonates with the modern generation is family morals.
Guys want women who respect their family, can live peacefully in the household, and have close relationships with their parents.
Likewise, they’d also like a woman who wants a family herself and is excited to have children. 30-year-old Muneer Singh says:
“My wife needs to be able to get on with my family but also wants kids herself.
“A couple of girls I’ve spoken to said they never want children and that was off-putting.
“Family is a very special thing in our culture so for someone to not want that or share those same values as me wouldn’t work out well.”
Vijay Patel, a student in Leicester chimes in:
“It’s such a big thing for my girlfriend to get on with my mum. So many marriages or relationships end because the mother and daughter-in-law don’t get on.
“You can tell with some women now that they’d rather not spend that much time with your own family.
“I get it, girls are more self-assured/independent but there has to be some understanding that this is part of our culture and I hold those values quite high.
“If they don’t get it then they’re not the one for me.”
Lastly, Sunny Chunah, an accountant from Birmingham reveals:
“I think if a girl doesn’t appreciate her own family and have those values, then it tells me a lot about them.”
“It shows me that she may not have certain personality traits that I’d want in a future wife or partner. Things like compassion, togetherness, empathy and responsibility.
“I have a big family and we’re all so close. So, if someone didn’t want to be a part of that or appreciate those qualities then it’s a massive red flag.”
As it always has been, family values are one of the biggest characteristics British Asian men look for in women.
Even though society and culture have progressed over time, even in South Asian families, men still were looking for the typical housewife in their partners.
The guys that DESIblitz spoke to outlined that their wife needs to have domestic skills like cooking, cleaning and tidying up.
However, they did admit that it wasn’t solely the woman’s responsibility, but they should have these basic life skills. 38-year-old Muhammed from Rugby told us:
“I want a working woman, but also someone who can do the basic things at home. I’ve seen so many girls who can’t even cook now or don’t want to learn to make Desi dishes.
“I’m not saying girls should just be in the kitchen, but I get scared that they want to be so distant from cultural traditions that we’re going to lose the qualities South Asian culture is based on.
“That maternal instinct or need to take care of their family could be lost in the future and I want a woman who wants to carry that on.”
Mandeep Lalli*, a 23-year-old from London agrees with Muhammed:
“Both men and women should know how to cook and clean, and share the responsibility.
“But, when I look for a partner, I ask if she knows how to do certain things around the house.”
“I mean, it’ll show me she knows how to care for us as a family, but she also knows how to take care of herself.
“If I meet a girl and she can barely do laundry or make a homemade meal, it’s an ick and like she’s been handed things on a plate to her (no pun intended).”
Sameer Khan, a shop assistant from Leeds chimes in:
“When I date a girl, I look at qualities that my mum has shown my dad – looking after him, the kids, cleaning, helping us when we need it, etc.
“What’s wrong with expecting your wife to do certain things for you? It’s the same as she would expect you to provide for the family.”
39-year-old Ranjit from Birmingham agrees with Sameer:
“Girls can barely do the minimum nowadays and even though I’m older, I’m looking for a woman who can meet these basic standards.
“The elder women in my family love doing motherly things and looking after the family, whether it’s cooking or cleaning.
“Why don’t the women of today show that same enthusiasm? I find it weird. What will they teach their children?”
It seems there are still stereotypical views held on Desi women by some British Asian men and that they should have some level of domestic qualities.
However, in a society where these household tasks are being divided between a man and woman, it does seem that some British Asian men think the responsibility lies more with their partner.
An Independent Woman
Whilst men want a woman who is a housewife, they also want women who are independent and have a balance between this and household tasks.
Most of the men that DESIblitz spoke to want a woman who worked and was self-assured.
Interestingly, they also wanted them to have a quality where they could go out with them to bars and restaurants, and not have to worry about outside opinions.
Aman Ranu*, a 24-year-old graduate from London said:
“I like a lot of women are becoming their own person but some of them think after marriage that they can’t do certain things.
“I’d like a woman who still goes out, spends time with her friend and wants to go on spontaneous holidays with me.
“There comes a time of course when you have to settle down more but I don’t want them to repress their personality after marriage or entering a relationship.”
Riyad Ali*, a 28-year-old from Southampton comments:
“I’ve been dating for a while now and one of the main questions I ask is whether a woman is financially stable and what she wants from a man.
“I want her to be responsible for herself and not have to depend on me.”
“Of course in life, there’ll be a time when you compromise and have to look to each other for help. But, I want her to be independent and her own person.
“I want her to be strong but not disrespectful and self-reliant yet understand cultural values.”
Lastly, Kian Singh, a 25-year-old from Essex states:
“I don’t like when women feel like they can’t be themselves anymore after meeting the family.
“It’s 2023, we’re allowed to do things that were taboo in the past like go to clubs, have a drink, go on staycations.
“I like women who are self-assured and have the boss mentality. That’s definitely a turn-on.”
It’s clear that British Asian men like a woman who stays true to herself.
Many women in the past did feel like they couldn’t do certain things in front of their in-laws like drink or go out.
However, times have changed and it seems many men acknowledge that and would like their partners to not change who they are or what they like doing.
Understanding & Supportive
Perhaps one of the obvious traits that all men would look for in a partner is for them to be understanding and supportive.
Charan Meena, a lawyer from Birmingham, reveals:
“A lot of women I’ve dated jump to conclusions quickly, especially some Asian ones.
“When I look for a girlfriend, I want someone who will understand my lifestyle and my personality.
“For example, if I have to work late, I don’t want them to get moody because I can’t see them. It’s just how life is sometimes.
“They need to have that compassion and support me – and vice versa.”
Jurnal Ahmed, a 36-year-old in Stourbridge expresses:
“There are a lot of women who think that guys don’t do enough but they need to have the same energy when putting the effort in for their man.
“I’m not saying I want a woman who mothers me, but someone who offers support if I need it.”
“I’m not a clingy guy and don’t want my partner to be either. But a lot of women forget that they also need to reassure men that they’re there.
“That could be listening if I’m having a hard time, understanding my feelings, appreciating me and giving me space if needed.”
Lastly, Harry Sandhu from Leicester states:
“I hate an overreacting woman, I can’t deal with it, especially when they act needy.
“There needs to be balance in a relationship as well as space to get on with our own life. I want to support my partner but also let them have their own time away from me – that’s healthy.
“Not a lot of Asian women understand that and feel like men have to obey their wishes. It’s not mature enough for me.”
It seems a lot of men want women who acknowledge different lifestyles and situations.
Not every relationship is the same and there needs to be a supportive balance between the two individuals in all aspects of their life, both together and apart.
The last quality that British Asian men outlined was that they look for ambition in future partners.
Most of the men we interviewed liked a woman who planned ahead, had a hobby, and wasn’t afraid of challenging herself.
Parminder Rai*, a 22-year-old from Luton said:
“I always want to try new things and challenge myself personally and professionally. So, I’d like a woman who was the same.
“There’s nothing sexier than a girl who wants to take the next step in life and likes to get out of her comfort zone.”
Manjit Patel, a 31-year-old train conductor also stated:
“I’m actually currently dating a woman who is very lovely. But, what made me attracted to her more is all the plans she had for her life.
“She’s a writer and said she wants to publish her own book series and I thought that was refreshing to hear.
“It motivated me to look at my life and the things that I wanted to but kept talking myself out of it.”
29-year-old Abdul from Birmingham gave us his opinion:
“A girl for me has to be ambitious and have a dedicated attitude towards all aspects of life.”
“I like a woman who gives her all, whether it’s going gym, eating healthy, working a 9-5 or focusing on a hobby.
“There’s a culture now of people having side hustles and doing more than the average person. For me, there’s nothing more appealing than a girl who does that.
“It shows me that she’s her own person and has elite qualities that I can’t find in another person.”
Ashraf, a student in London, added:
“I meet a lot of girls at university who want to go out and then miss lectures. I get that type of lifestyle, but it’s not really something that turns me on.
“If a girl has a schedule, knows what she wants to do with life, and works towards it, then that’s what I like. It’s even sexier when they’re not happy when they reach a goal and want to go even further.
“It’s not like she has to be the next Steve Jobs, but just having goals in different areas of life is so attractive.”
All of these qualities outlined by British Asian men show there is a new wave of characteristics that they are into.
Although some aspects like being a housewife and supportive are typical of previous generations, there are still that shows a progressive attitude towards attraction.
It seems men want a partner who is hard-working and doesn’t change their personality. But, also someone who understands cultural and homely values.
It’s interesting to see if things change in the future and also what women would think in response to these turn-ons.