“Menopause is not a switch that turns off a woman's sexuality.”
Knowing someone for years does not mean knowing everything about what they enjoy in bed.
A couple might be comfortable discussing money, children and retirement, yet still rely on assumptions about sex made much earlier in their relationship.
What felt pleasurable at 30 may feel different at 45. A familiar routine might remain satisfying, or it may need adjusting. Sometimes, one partner notices a change without knowing how to explain it.
For women navigating midlife, the answer need not be to recover the sex life they once had. There may be something more useful in discovering what works now.
In an exclusive interview with DESIblitz, psychotherapist and broadcaster Lucy Beresford explains why couples may need to revisit their understanding of intimacy.
“They may need more time, different forms of touch, more emotional connection or a willingness to move beyond a narrow definition of what sex should look like.”
Her advice offers a practical starting point for Desi women and their partners: pay attention to pleasure, take discomfort seriously and remain curious about each other.
Desire After 40 Has No Single Direction
Midlife sexuality is often described through competing promises: desire will disappear, or women will suddenly experience the best sex of their lives.
Neither account leaves much room for individual experience.
“Menopause is not a switch that turns off a woman’s sexuality,” says Beresford.
“Women’s experiences vary enormously. Some experience a reduction in desire; others experience little change, and some feel more confident or liberated in their sexuality.”
Research supports that varied picture.
A US qualitative study published in Menopause in 2018 explored sexual changes among 39 sexually active women aged 45-60.
Participants described difficulties including lower desire and vaginal dryness, but also positive changes associated with greater self-confidence, self-knowledge and communication.
Some adapted by changing sexual activities or placing more importance on different aspects of intimacy.
As a small qualitative study, it describes experiences rather than predicting what every woman will encounter.
For couples, that means beginning with the person in front of them.
A partner’s age cannot tell them how much sex she wants, what she enjoys or whether something has become uncomfortable.
Those answers require attention and conversation.
Understanding What Pleasure Means Now
Beresford’s interview is accompanied by research shared by Ashley Madison and YouGov about female desire later in life.
According to the supplied UK findings, 21% of women said becoming more aware of their desires had motivated them to express those desires.
Rather than experiencing midlife as a sexual decline, a significant number describe their 40s and beyond as a period of greater confidence, curiosity and sexual self-awareness.
Among Ashley Madison members surveyed, 45% of women said they reached their sexual prime at age 40 or older.
Beresford suggests asking: “What feels good? What helps me orgasm? What do I miss? What would I like more of? Is there something I’m tolerating because I feel I ought to?”
These questions allow for different answers. Someone may want more affection, a different kind of stimulation or a less hurried approach. Another may want to stop an activity that no longer feels comfortable.
The aim is to identify what would make intimacy more enjoyable for her.
Getting to Know Your Own Body
Beresford recommends masturbation as one way women can explore their preferences.
For those who feel comfortable with it, solo exploration can provide an opportunity to notice which touch feels pleasurable without having to explain immediately or consider another person’s response.
It is an option rather than a requirement. Women can also learn through reflection, reading reliable information and mutually agreed exploration with a partner.
The questions remain useful either way: does a particular touch feel good? Would more time help? Is the experience pleasurable, uncomfortable or simply uninteresting?
Recognising a preference does not oblige someone to act on it or share it before they are ready.
Nor does understanding the body mean treating orgasm as a test. Paying close attention to whether orgasm happens can turn intimacy into another task to complete.
Beresford’s broader advice is to acknowledge personal experience. That includes enjoyment, uncertainty and the freedom to change one’s mind.
A partner can help by responding with interest rather than taking a new preference as criticism of everything that came before.
What Couples Say Matters More Than How Often They Talk
Starting a conversation is useful, but the response matters too.
A woman who explains that she needs a different approach needs space to finish without being dismissed, teased or asked to reassure her partner immediately.
Beresford suggests a gentle opening:
“I’d love us to talk about the things you like and I’d love to tell you about my preferences too.”
An article about sex can provide a way into that discussion. So can mentioning one specific change rather than attempting to review the entire relationship.
“And remember,” she adds, “you don’t have to know all the answers before you start the conversation.”
For a partner, listening without rushing towards a solution can make an uncertain first conversation easier to continue.
Make Comfort Part of the Conversation
A change in sexual interest may involve physical discomfort as well as desire.
Beresford identifies vaginal dryness, pain, disrupted sleep and changes in mood among the experiences that can accompany the menopause transition. She also points to tiredness, stress and relationship difficulties.
The NHS similarly explains that low libido can have several causes, including relationship problems, sexual difficulties, mental health conditions, medicines and menopause. Treatment depends on the cause.
It is therefore worth being specific. Is sex painful? Is there interest in intimacy but little energy? Does a particular activity cause discomfort? Has desire changed alongside a new medicine?
These questions can help guide a healthcare appointment without requiring someone to diagnose herself.
For vaginal dryness, NHS advice includes water-based lubricants and vaginal moisturisers. It recommends seeing a GP if symptoms persist despite self-care or affect daily life. Bleeding after sex, between periods or after menopause also needs medical assessment.
NICE recommends vaginal oestrogen for menopause-related genitourinary symptoms in people without a history of breast cancer, with treatment discussed and reviewed individually. Non-hormonal moisturisers and lubricants are also options.
As Beresford emphasises, women should not feel they must endure uncomfortable sex silently.
Take the Pressure Off Familiar Routines
A couple can become so accustomed to a particular sequence that neither stops to ask whether it still suits them.
Beresford’s suggestion to consider different forms of touch creates room to revisit that routine.
Couples might agree to spend time kissing, cuddling or exploring touch without assuming that intercourse must follow. They can discuss what feels welcome and what they would prefer to leave out.
Any exploration should remain mutually wanted, with either person free to stop.
For some couples, more time and attention may make intimacy more satisfying. Others may need medical treatment, relationship support or a clearer discussion about different levels of desire.
No amount of affection creates an obligation to have sex.
For Desi women, Beresford also cautions against assuming a shared experience. Background, beliefs, relationships and personal preferences differ considerably.
Advice is most useful when women can adapt it to their own lives, including deciding which activities fit their values and comfort.
Confidence Can Grow Without a Different Body
The release accompanying Beresford’s interview also included comments from sex therapist and author Dr Tammy Nelson.
She describes a possible shift away from judging attractiveness entirely through another person’s eyes:
“Feeling sexy is less about how you think someone else sees you and more about how you feel about yourself.”
That perspective can be useful when bodily changes make intimacy feel unfamiliar. Enjoyment need not wait until someone looks younger or feels completely confident.
Partners also have a part to play. Patience, affection and taking a woman’s preferences seriously can support a conversation that she may initially find difficult.
Beresford’s advice begins with acknowledging what is happening now: what feels good, what needs attention and what a woman would like to change.
Couples do not need to recreate an earlier stage of their relationship. They need to keep learning about each other, and allow their sex life to change as they do.
