Are Desi Women Judged More Harshly for Cheating?

Traditionally, in South Asia and the diaspora, Desi women can be judged more harshly for cheating than their male counterparts.

Historically, women would face being ostracised, imprisoned and even death. Indeed, this was a reality for women across cultures and the world.

Today, traditional patriarchal norms in many South Asian communities continue to emphasise purity and loyalty, leading to severe stigma if a woman violates expectations around the two.

This stigma is compounded by the cultural notion that a woman’s izzat (honour) reflects on her entire family.

Consequently, traditionally, Desi women often bear the brunt of shame and ostracism in cases of cheating, unlike their male counterparts, who may not face the same level of scrutiny.

However, the fact remains infidelity does take place by both South Asian men and women.

For example, according to a survey by Gleeden, India’s first extramarital dating app, about 55% of married Indians have been unfaithful to their partner at least once, of which 56% are women.

DESIblitz explores whether Desi women are still judged more harshly for cheating.

Socio-Cultural Expectations and Ideals Around Sex

South Asian cultures typically situate sex as something that occurs within marriage, especially for women.

Ideas of female sexuality and women enjoying sex remain taboo topics and a threat to ideas of women’s chastity and purity.

Aliyah*, a 26-year-old British Pakistani, maintained:

“My entire life, sex was a no-go zone. Direct and indirect conversations made it clear it was for marriage with one man, that’s it.

“I remember asking my mum, ‘What about the men?’ Mum just said it’s different for men than women.

“I knew my brothers and cousins were dating; some cousins even cheated when dating and married. Her tone showed it’s worse for women to be found to have had sex outside marriage.

“And cheating, a woman is marked for life in a way men aren’t in my community. The entire family would be humiliated.”

“Entire family wasn’t humiliated when my cousin-brothers cheated. Some were angry and personally disgusted, but that’s it.”

Historically and today, socio-cultural ideals, expectations, and judgments powerfully police women’s bodies and sexuality.

Female fidelity carries important symbolic value as a marker of purity, virtue, and family honour, but this brings constraints and restrictive expectations for women.

Socio-cultural norms and ideals police and regulate women’s bodies and actions in a way men’s bodies and behaviours are not. It also means women often face harsher judgements.

Aliyah continued: “Generally, when it comes to sex, Asian men have this leeway we women don’t. It’s hypocritical.

“I think men and women should be judged equally for cheating; it’s bad no matter who you are. But cheating women are disgraced in a way men aren’t.”

Cheating and Sex Through a Gendered Lens: Language Matters

The way women and men are judged differently when it comes to issues of sex, hooking up, one-night stands and cheating is apparent when comparing the words used.

People give labels such as player, playboy, f***boy, and man-whore to men who are very sexually active outside a monogamous relationship and who cheat.

However, the words used to describe women have more negative connotations and are more degrading. Words include whore, slut, slag, hussy, trollop, slapper and tart.

Both men and women can be homewreckers, but people often label women with this term more frequently and judge them more harshly for cheating.

Alina*, a 30-year-old British Indian, stated:

“My auntie went out with a married guy in her mid-20s. She’s now 45, and people still whisper about her being the homewrecker.

“He was the one married. Yeah, she did wrong, but somehow she is worse than him.”

“English words and words in all Asian languages are meaner for women who cheat, have sex outside marriage, or anything like that.

“My auntie told me she’s been called a whore more than once.

“Even though she’s never done it again, unlike my cousin-brothers, it gets thrown back in her face during family arguments. Unlike them, she was single, young and naïve; she adds stupid to the list too.”

The language around sex and sexuality is almost always heterosexual. It also upholds patriarchal notions that work to restrict and police women and their bodies.

Society assigns harsher and more derogatory labels to women whose sexual behaviour deviates from normative standards and expectations compared to men.

Cultural Double Standards on Cheating

In South Asian culture, family honour is paramount. A woman’s actions, especially in relationships and around sex, can reflect on the entire family.

Cultural double standards are prevalent when it comes to cheating within Desi and other communities.

Alina believes society still judges women more harshly for cheating than their male counterparts:

“Since I was young, Mum and others said my cousin-sisters, and I had to be more careful and make sure we didn’t mess up.

“Somehow, my auntie being with a married man meant people would expect us girls to do something similar.

“I hated the pressure, but now I say f*** it. I know I’m doing nothing wrong; why should I second-guess every action?

“What makes me angry is that my grandfather cheated on my nani loads. Some of my cousin-brothers have, too, but no one cares.

“Only my auntie gets judged and shoved in the corner of shame. For me, what my grandfather and married cousins did was much worse; they kept doing it.”

Society can judge women more harshly for cheating to police their actions to ensure the continuation of the patriarchal family line.

Shoaib*, a 24-year-old British Bengali, stated: “There are no two ways about it. Girls stepping out is way worse than a guy.

“You can say it’s sexist, but it’s how it is.

“Girls can get pregnant; guys can’t; no one wants to raise another guy’s kid cuz the girl cheated.”

“Plus, guys have needs; girls don’t have the same, and they’re meant to have better control.”

Shoaib’s words at the end highlight the problematic gendered assumptions that can exist about men’s and women’s sexual needs and ideas of control.

There can be an assumption women are innately more capable of controlling their actions, as well as the idea they do not have similar desires to Desi men.

At the same time, people use the assumption that men cannot control their sexual needs or have higher sexual needs to justify their cheating, making it less taboo.

The Experience of a Desi Woman Who Cheated

Natasha*, a 29-year-old British Pakistani, went online two years into her marriage. She was seeking emotional comfort and wanted to feel desirable:

“It’s no excuse, but I needed to be listened to and wanted.”

Natasha ended the relationship because she felt the way it started was not good, despite falling in love with the man she had an affair with.

She is now happily engaged. However, only one friend knows about her cheating. Natasha is acutely aware that she would face severe judgment and possible danger:

 “I’m not stupid; I would have been dead. My family would have only disowned me if I was lucky.”

“The community would have never stopped judging.

“A guy cheating is one thing; some people shake their head disappointed, that’s it. If a woman cheats, she’s a whore, it’s never forgotten.

“And I know, if people knew, some of my relatives would have used it to stop my cousins from doing things.

“It’s the same when girls run away with someone; the rest of the girls can suffer. I’ve heard too many stories.”

Natasha feels guilty for cheating, but her fear of the backlash and her fiancé’s reaction drives her to keep it a secret.

South Asian women often face harsher judgment for infidelity due to cultural norms emphasising honour and female chastity and innocence.

Moreover, people use harsher judgments for Desi women cheating to deter other women from doing the same. Thereby for example reducing the risk of a child born outside marriage or a child who is not the husband’s.

Accordingly, Desi women’s bodies and sexuality are still policed and judged in a manner men overall escape.

Conversations around cheating remain taboo within Desi communities. Yet it is clear that when it comes to the action of cheating, the taboo nature of it is more focused on women.

Societies and communities continue to judge Desi women and women broadly more harshly for cheating than their male counterparts.