"My husband would gaslight me every day"
Gaslighting is a mechanism of human behaviour that is coercive, controlling, and upsetting to experience.
The term ‘gaslighting’ comes from the film Gaslight (1944).
The behaviour generally involves someone being made to feel like they are to blame for something when they are not.
It is common in abusive relationships though it can take many forms.
In terms of etymology, the expression was coined from a British play titled Gas Light (1938).
The play shows a husband manipulating his wife into thinking that she is mentally unstable.
He does so by cunningly changing the intensity of their gas lights when she is alone at home.
This is to make her believe that she cannot trust herself.
Although gaslighting is an unfortunate experience for many, it is prevalent in the South Asian community.
We have curated a list of five stories of South Asian women who have endured various forms of this toxic behaviour.
Medical
Gaslighting is not only rampant in relationships. It can occur in various industries as well.
Writing for Southasiantoday, Varsha Yajman details her experiences when she was gaslighted by her male doctor.
Varsha has faced struggles with food but was told to be “strong” and that she would “grow out of it”. She writes:
“I was gaslit to believe it was all in my head and that it was just about flicking a switch.
“Just turn it off, why don’t you?”
“My GP, who was also South Asian, said he did not want to diagnose me because it would become official and part of my medical history.
“His nonchalant attitude towards my struggles made me feel like an imposter in my own struggles.
“My mind immediately went to, ‘how can I prove I am sick enough?’
“When you are a brown girl who does not fit societal ideals of what an eating disorder looks like, it can make or break you.
“Women of colour are also disproportionately affected by medical gaslighting.”
Varsha’s story portrays a shocking depiction of gaslighting in the medical industry.
Coercive Control
Gaslighting can be a major factor when it comes to coercive control within relationships.
Coercive control refers to behavioural patterns that are employed continuously by the abuser.
These are used to exert power and control over victims.
In 2021, Fatima shared her story with Metro, explaining her experience with her husband. She says:
“My husband would gaslight me every day.
“He taunted that I was losing my memory as I was getting old.
“He also hid my keys. I would look for them and he’d say that I am definitely losing my memory.”
Admirably, Fatima ultimately decided to divorce her husband in 2019.
She married him at the age of 18 and they remained together for 28 years.
Coercive control is also a criminal offence and if convicted of it, perpetrators can face prison time and community service orders.
Between April 2017 and March 2018, 15% of 960 coercive control cases involved South Asian people.
Unfortunately, the number of these cases is always rising.
Educational
Educational pressure is extremely common within South Asian communities.
The demand that young Asian people face when it comes to performing and succeeding in their education can be extortionate.
Parents can often employ methods of gaslighting to make their children secure higher educational ranks.
On Medium, an unnamed Asian person discusses this manipulation in their life:
“Growing up as an Asian, our culture taught us that our parents’ opinions reigned supreme.”
“Once I entered university, I discovered the excitement of nightlife and desperately wanted to stay out late without a care in the world.
“Yet whenever I acted against my mom’s bidding, she would give me a stern look of disapproval and throw snarky comments over the breakfast table.
“She would send me passive-aggressive text messages at 5 am as proof that she has not slept a wink because I failed her.
“She would pretend to be nonchalant, as she tells me, ‘Now that you’re older, you think you know better than I do. Well, suit yourself’.
“These instances always made me feel downright terrible.
“I once refused an invitation to do a watercolour class with my mum and her friends, simply because I wasn’t interested.
“She took offence and complained that I was not listening to her advice anymore.
“When I stood my ground, she spiralled into a full-blown lashing on how I was cold towards her and the family, that I was uncaring and a disappointment to her.”
The person goes on to highlight the importance of understanding boundaries and using ‘non-complementary behaviour’ in such situations.
Marriage
As previously discussed, coercive control can be a key component when it comes to gaslighting within South Asian marriages.
However, the abusive behaviour can also be thinly veiled by praise.
A woman recounts an incident concerning her cousin and her husband. She remembers:
“My cousin sister and her husband came home for lunch.
“While the feast was being laid, we happened to exchange a few harmless remarks.
“There were mild mannerisms until I subtly started observing him to realise shockingly that he was a full fledged ‘gas lighter’.
“While he was plagiarising like a parrot, his undying love for his wife, in the midst of the confessional conversation you could notice him calling her a ‘careless cook’ and a ‘mad fanatic’ when it came to their fights.
“While she shyly kept blinking her eyes camouflaging it as a joke he was pulling on her, my mind went for a toss.”
On the other hand, gaslighting can sometimes be preceded by violence.
For example, in a 2011 clip of EastEnders, Dr Yusef Khan (Ace Bhatti) slaps his wife Zainab Khan (Nina Wadia) and then declares:
“You made me do this. You made me hit you. Is that what you want? Is that what you’re used to?”
These incidents are classic examples of gaslighting within a marriage.
Family
Gaslighting is arguably the toughest when it happens among those who are supposed to love and care for you.
South Asian families are often bound by strict customs and beliefs rooted across generations.
Nida Sheriff sheds light on familial gaslighting, delving into examples of language and phrases that pertain to such behaviour. She writes:
“When you do not comply and fall obediently within line, their insecurity and desperation turn to rudeness and meanness.
“They attempt to control you by talking to you disrespectfully or talking cruelly about you, to others.
“They try to make you feel guilty for practising self care by not engaging.”
“‘What do you mean, you won’t? After everything they’ve done for you?’
“It’s even worse when you do speak out, trying to make sense of what is being done to you.
“I posted on Facebook once, at my wit’s end.
“One of my uncles replied with ‘just move out’ — possibly the most tired, useless and unhelpful response you can get when you open up about abuse.
“Once again, the onus is on the abused and no accountability is placed on the abuser.”
Nida goes on to suggest questions for your gaslighters such as:
- Why aren’t you defending or protecting me?
- Why are you letting them spread lies about me?
- Do you think this kind of behaviour is normal?
In all these stories, women found themselves at the receiving end of toxic manipulation and self-doubt.
It is essential for victims of gaslighting to seek help, set boundaries, and notice the signs of abusive behaviour.
These survivors should be highly commended for sharing their stories and for raising awareness of the issue.
Above all, if you’re a victim of gaslighting, it is vital to question your abuser and remember that there is help available.
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