Being single, being Desi and being a woman are all pretty natural but when you have an affair with a married man, it becomes very complicated. DESIblitz explores this relationship taboo.
Young women who have no plans to get married or settle down can get easily wooed into an affair
Many people would look at this title and perhaps be disgusted by such a relationship, whilst there might be a minority that might concur the relationship phrase as ‘it’s complicated’.
Falling in love with someone is not a crime but who you fall in love with can lead to many complications and situations, especially, for a Desi girl or woman. And if he is married, then that leads to the ‘What? How can you date a married guy?’ question.
Young, single and modern Desi women with a tremendous amount of independence today make choices for themselves. And although ‘having an affair with a married man’ is not something that is on the ‘to do’ list, it is a relationship that can happen, quite easily.
Such affairs can kindle in the workplace, via socialising, on social media, in chat-rooms and even dating sites – where married men can often pretend to be single.
Men who are in loveless marriages or are in the marital home for the sake of the children often end up looking for love outside of their marriage.
Whilst for others the thrill of dating single women whilst being married is the one way to live a ‘double life’ they knowingly desire.
A single woman is an appealing choice for a married man compared to a married or divorced as she has ‘less emotional baggage’. More importantly the time spent together is very focused on ‘happy’ and exciting times between them, often involving sex.
Young women are known to go for older men in such relationships where the man is financially much better off and can give his ‘lady’ a lavish lifestyle. A gloss that is very appealing.
This now leads to who is at fault here? The married man for romancing the woman whilst knowing he was married, or the woman once finding out he was married, carrying on with the affair.
The consequences for a single Desi girl in this situation are even more greater and dangerous than a non-Asian woman.
Family honour, self-respect and dignity all come into play here. If someone who should not know finds out, it can lead to huge impact on the her and the family she is from.
The man in the affair is also affected with regards to wife, possibly children and his extended family and relatives.
But the scenario of how does a Desi woman cope with the love she has for a man, who is out of reach in terms of a future, becomes a very antagonising challenge.
Does, she accept all the restrictions and be the ‘second’ woman in his life or does she try and fight for this man, trying to get him to leave his wife?
The case of Mindy Sanghera the 23-year-old Dentistry student jailed for killing her married lover, Sair Ali’s pregnant wife, Sana Ali, highlights how such a relationship can spiral out of control.
Sanghera let jealousy and hate completely take-over her, after she found out the Sair was married and that his young wife, from an arranged marriage, was pregnant. After writing hysterical letters to Sair, she confronted his wife and stabbed her over 40 times, including stabbing her deep into her pregnant belly.
This is an example of how dark a relationship with a married man can get within the Asian community. Where cultures and backgrounds can conflict and result in tragedy.
There are no exact figures on such adulterous affairs but stories in communities unfold to tell that such relationships are on the increase.
Young women who have no plans to get married or settle down can get easily wooed into an affair with a married man. Sometimes knowingly or other times falling for him and then finding out he is married.
The victim in this scenario is often the wife of the man but there are other times she turns a blind eye knowing if she confronts him, there is the danger of him leaving her and her losing him forever. She still comforts herself of the fact he still comes to her bed at the end of it all.
The moral advice would be for anyone in such as relationship is that it is very wrong and it is better to end it before someone gets hurt.
But many single women would argue that it is a choice they are comfortable with and are willing to face the challenge if they were found out. In the Desi community this can be pretty ugly.
Some hope if the wife finds out she will divorce him. But usually, this is not the case and the single woman is the one left as an emotional wreck.
So, is the heartache worth the hassle of such a secretive affair? Or does being single and dating a married man provide freedom, sex and love that other relationships do not offer?
The answers to these questions mainly depend on what the intentions are for such a relationship.
Is the single Desi woman happy to play the ‘bahar wali’ (outsider) versus the ‘gharwali’ (wife) and enjoy moments of desire with the man, or is she really in it for the long haul, where she hopes that one day, he will leave his wife and he will be really hers.
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