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  • Arranged Marriage and the First Night of Sex

    Arranged marriage and the matter of sex for the first time can be very anxious for couples. DESIblitz explores this intimate dilemma and provides tips to help.

    Arranged Marriage and First Night of Sex

    It can be a very nervous time for a couple who have never ever been intimate

    Despite changes and progress in South Asian culture, Arranged Marriage is still a widely practiced matrimonial activity within its communities.

    Some may find it surprising that in the 21st century, this still is the case. But in fact, arranged marriage is still a means of finding partners in the UK too for many British Asians.

    After the wedding, the first night of sex is something in Asian culture that produces very different experiences for couples with different knowledge levels of sex.

    It can be a very nervous time for a couple who have never ever been intimate with each other prior to their marriage.

    Especially, in India, Pakistan or Bangladesh, where couples may not be allowed to date or even meet before their wedding.

    In India, arranged marriage is totally different for the upper middle class to high class and the lower middle class to poor people.

    Lower classes tend to depend on traditional society norms, where for example, a girl who has turned 18, is seen as the perfect age to have an arranged marriage.

    This increases the prospect of sexual naivety and inexperience to be a major issue for a newly married couple.

    Arranged Marriage and the First Night of Sex

    From being single to being married and sharing a bed for sex with a man or woman you have never met can be a very strange, weird, scary and anxious time for both parties, especially if they are virgins.

    So, is it right to have sex on the first night of your arranged marriage and if so what is expected of you?

    There are a number of points related to the first night of an arranged marriage that can have effect on the sex.

    • The environment may make you feel uncomfortable due it to being a parent’s or relative’s home and knowing people are still around in the house from the wedding.
    • A long wedding day and constant rituals leaves both very exhausted.
    • Both agree that time is needed to get to know each other before they have sex, so they will wait.
    • The bride is emotional, upset and sad due to leaving her parental home.
    • If both are virgins then it may be a very awkward and difficult for them to know what to do or expect.
    • The bride may be afraid that sex will be painful.
    • The groom may think the bride does not want sex but actually she is very excited to finally be physical with her husband.
    • The groom feels he has the right to have sex and assumes having forceful sex with the bride is acceptable – which can lead to marital rape.
    • The groom does not have experience of buying or using condoms.
    • The bride has not used any contraception or knows much about it.
    • The bride is very inexperienced sexually whereas the groom is very experienced or vice-versa. Leading to questions and thoughts related to the partner’s past and future sexual satisfaction.
    • Out of duty, the bride has sex after being told by her relatives or mother that she must do as required of her.
    • The bride feels sex is dirty and disgusting and is not comfortable with having sex at all – leading to a difficult sexual relationship in the future.

    Arranged Marriage and the First Night of SexAll of or some of these are likely to ring true for many who have had an arranged marriage. Whilst there will be some who have not had any such experiences because they have both grown into their relationship in loving and sexual way.

    It is also common for couples to delay their first sexual encounter until a honeymoon or time-out away from families and relatives.

    For every couple of an arranged marriage things will be different depending on where they are from and their background.

    When it comes to first time sex, here are some special tips that can help you.

    • Sex on the first night is not compulsory unless you both feel comfortable to do so
    • Expectancy of one partner may lead to disappointment – so keep an open mind.
    • Talking and communication about sex is the most important way to understand each other’s needs.
    • Do not forget foreplay – touching, hugging and kissing each other.
    • Learn from each other if your are completely new to sex – give it time and do not rush it.
    • First night of sex may not always be the best experience – especially if you do not know what you’re doing.
    • Be enthusiastic and excited about sex, not scared or reluctant.
    • Don’t expect to do, see or feel what you may see in porn or films.
    • Learn about sex without feeling apprehensive and share it with your partner.
    • As a man do not force or expect it – get her in the mood.
    • Make an effort with your partner don’t let it be one sided.
    • Do not use sex as a barrier or to control the relationship.
    • Learn to include sex as an important aspect of your married life and always have time for each other.
    • Practice makes perfect and sex is no different!

    As you can see arranged marriage and sex on the first night is not a straightforward affair.

    It can be very complicated for those who have no idea about sex. But it can also be difficult for those who expect something from the marital sex but do not get it.

    Arranged Marriage and the First Night of Sex

    Therefore, if you are about to have an arranged marriage or are in one already, try and make sex an enjoyable part of your relationship, not a difficult one.

    Talk and communicate your inner desires and differences with your other half. Your partner can’t read your mind!

    Your first experience of sex in an arranged marriage should be the start of intimacy in your marital union, which after all, is still unique to you and your partner.

    Priya adores anything to do with cultural change and social psychology. She loves to read and listen to chilled music to relax. A romantic at heart she lives by the motto 'If you want to be loved, be lovable.'

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